Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Getting Used To Missing Her

It's been a sucky 24 hours. I miss my cat so damn much it isn't funny. I honestly had no idea how integral she was in my life - how much a part of everything she was. My eyes keep playing tricks and I will see her here and there - but then my eyes will focus and it will either be nothing or one of the three remaining cats. Three. A year ago at this time we had five which yes, I know seems like a lot but it really wasn't. Even at night when all five cats were in the same room it didn't seem like a lot. It was just our life. Last night it was just three (plus the dogs) and it felt so wrong. So many pieces missing.

Everything I did this morning as I went about my routine made it painfully obvious that Taz is gone. No Tazzy waiting on the bed for me when I went to take my shower. No Taz greeting me as I came out of the bathroom. No Taz following me from room to room as I went about getting things done. No Taz sleeping on the back of the couch or coming in last night to walk across me as I tried to sleep. No meows heard when the house became too quiet for her (she loved the noise and chaos and if the kids were too quiet for too long she would start calling out and would only settle back down when the noise was back to a level that she liked).

Now don't get me wrong - she had her more than obnoxious qualities: the first of which was she needed noise and activity constantly (after the kids would go to bed she would cry and cry and cry and would take a long time to settle down). She would paw at doors and cabinets to make them bang - usually just because she was bored and usually in the evening or in the night. For years she was a force to be reckoned with at the door - she would always be looking for a way to escape into the big world and sometimes she did. We would have to chase her all over the place to get her safely back inside.

She was so tiny. Compared to other cats she looked like she was about a year old - very small and petite. It was hard to keep weight on her in the winter so she was given lots of treats and extra food. She never weighed more than 8lbs in her entire life and generally hung out around 6 or 7lbs. Her nose was so tiny. But her personality was huge. You knew she was in the house.

She was the only cat who would ever come out if we had company. Most people never believe that we had other cats because they are never anywhere to be seen but Taz was always in the mix. At the very least she would watch the happenings from the safety of the dining room table. Always watching her beloved chaos.

I miss her so much I can barely breathe today which I know might seem weird to some. But let's be honest, pets give us something that you rarely, if ever, get from another human - unconditional love. They just want to be loved and they want to love you back. It's a pure relationship and it hurts like hell to lose it.

Dakota and I are struggling. Kaylen, well - she's 2. She is ok with it but then again, how many times in the past year has she heard about heaven and people/animals going there. It's just reality for her. She did ask several times yesterday when Taz would be coming home. Kelton, on the other hand, we are worried about. He swings back and forth. He was really close to Charlie and after he died, Taz became his buddy. Never before had Taz allowed him to get as close to her and this summer she began letting him carrying her around (not always happy about it but she would let him). She slept in his room (which she always did for at least part of the night) and seemed to watch over him. The two of them became good buddies. Now she is gone. We're worried that he will just begin to feel like it isn't worth getting close to anyone or anything because they will just leave. But then, maybe all the talks about heaven and not having pain, etc. makes him feel safe with their leaving for this mysterious place. I know he talks about everyone being together and how Charlie must be so happy to have Taz with him again. I don't know - all we can do it watch, wait and see.

Grieving sucks and honestly, we've all had enough for right now. We need a break from bad news. We just need some time to be happy and feel safe. Is that really all that much to ask for?

9 comments:

Stacey said...

Oh God, this sounds so familiar. I still see our Charlie around the house, in the yard, at the park... It's so hard to have them gone but it does get a little easier and they give you such wonderful memories. You were blessed to have Taz and she was lucky to have you. It sounds like you gave her a wonderful life and a loving family.

momtothreeboys said...

Oh Casey – my heart feels for you – it really, really does. I can now honestly say I can totally understand and relate to the heart-breaking feeling it is to lose a pet. I remember the day after Sadie died, I sat in the parking lot at work and just cried. It’s hard, very hard. I thought – at the time that it just couldn’t be normal to be “that” upset about a pet, but it was. You guys have certainly had your share of heart-break this year – it isn’t fair. It just isn’t. I am sure Kelton will look to you guys for comfort that having 4 deaths so close to together isn’t the norm and that he’ll come out stronger for it. Cyber-hugs to all of you.

Froggymama said...

I'm sorry. It's so hard to lose a little furry soul. My sis lost her dog and cat and my parents lost their dog and cat this year, and going home just doesn't feel the same without them. They really do become a part of the family. I'm so sorry for your loss. Hugs.

Lynilu said...

It is hard enough to lose a pet, but that on top of the other loses you and Dakota have survived in past months must be simply awful. I don't know what words heal that kind of loss. I haven't found them yet, myself. But it gets somewhat more tolerable as time wears on. I look at the little box that holds Mai Lin's remains, and my heart aches. But I don't usually tear up now.

Taz will always be with you in your heart, That is what unconditional love does for us. Thank goodness we have our pets to teach us about it, event hough the end hurts like hell. :') More hugs sent your way.

Rainbow Momma said...

I'm so sorry, Casey. I know all too well, the sadness that comes with losing a pet - a part of the family. Someone gave me this poem when I lost my Eddie. I hope it helps, even just a little.

Monogram Queen said...

I am so sorry Casey. It IS very hard to lose a beloved pet. We have two dogs and three cats and each are special in their own particular way. My heart aches for all of you honey.

Caroline said...

Sending you lots of big hugs. I know this year has been so hard on all of you. Just know you are in my thoughts and prayers. xoxoxo

SassyFemme said...

I'm sorry. {{{ }}}

Random and Odd said...

Oh sweetie. I just caught up with your grieving. I am so sorry.
I love the words you use to describe Taz's love of the children and of the warm sun and chaos.

*hug* I'm sorry.