Friday, May 28, 2010
I think of you all often and wonder. Wonder what I have to say that keeps you coming back. I'm glad you are here, don't get me wrong. I just wonder who you all are. It's odd to have times when I feel so incredibly alone but when I check my stats you have been coming by in droves all day long to check on me. It's surreal. Comforting and yet still lonely.
And beyond all of that, I hope you find what you are looking for when you visit me.
I just got a text from Dakota which states:
"Heads up - flight delay with airline. No idea if I will get out of Philly tonight. Will know more once we land in an hour or more. Sorry.....hopefully will not impact me being there tomorrow afternoon. Hope you are ok."
I responded with "Dang. I have plans tomorrow but I guess it's unavoidable if it happens. Crap. Why the delay?"
"Long story....sick pilot.....international laws about flying with 3 pilots and we only had 2. Oh - gotta turn off my phone. Bye for now. More when I can."
Ok here is what I don't get. They diverted the plane that had flown all these hours from London to Philly because they only have 2 pilots instead of 3? WTH? Taking them to Boston and having everyone miss their connecting flights corrects this issue how? Sanction them. Fine them. But for the love of all that is good and holy - land that plane!
It's not that she might not make it back tomorrow and I so desperately need a break. It's not that at all. What it IS...is I have plans tomorrow night to go out and I really have been looking forward to it. The kids are eagerly counting down the hours until Dakota arrives and I so don't want to crush them by telling them she might not make it tomorrow.
So it's wait and see. Wait and see. I know she is probably tired and frustrated too though being who she is - this is just one of lives adventures and she will enjoy the ride. I'm glad someone will. As for me? I really, really want to go out with my friend tomorrow. :)
It is, after all, all about me. :)
All in all, from my perspective, this hasn't been bad at all. There was only once or twice when I hit points of saturation but they were short lived. Truthfully, these days haven't been any different from the law school years. I'm so used to doing this alone that it doesn't even phase me.
The kids? They were phased. They missed her but still came through the experience unscathed. The hardest parts for them were the days of no contact from Dakota as well as bedtimes (which is when they would fall apart because they wanted to say good night to her).
All in all - it was fine. And, if I were to be completely honest, it was less hectic for me because the kids behavior stayed consistent and we didn't deviate from our tightly strung routine.
But I know for sure that there will be two VERY excited children watching out the window most of the day tomorrow. They can't wait to see her!
Thursday, May 27, 2010
It's completely restored and decorated in period furniture and it was so much fun to walk through. There was even a smoking room which left me with the feeling that I should go to the opus x website and order some cigars. :)
I didn't get photos on the inside (I was way too busy looking at everything and reading the information plaques) but I did get one of the outside as well as the few of Portland from one of the upstairs windows.
Check it out:
Oh yes, I could very easily live in a place like that.....as long as I had a really great cleaning service. :)
What? It *could*?
Well that bites.
Time to get back to basics and stop eating the junk. I get that I've been stress eating so at least there is that understanding. I just need to stay out of the kitchen and oh yeah, stop buying the junk! If it's not in the house, Ican't eat it, now can I? :)
I really don't want to have to turn to things like reading up on hydroxycut hardcore x reviews or the like but if I don't stop, that's exactly where this is headed. No thank you.
So...the race is on to lose the unwanted 5lbs before the next month rolls by....and speaking of......are you KIDDING me? June is just a few days away?!?!?! I figured by (at least) this time I would have a job and life would be looking different. WTH? *breathing deeply* Just breathe. Everything is working out as it should in its own time and way.
Yeah.....there are lots and lots of times I don't buy that one. *sigh*
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Today was the jog-a-thon at Kelton's school and guess what I woke to? The sound of rain pouring, overflowing the back gutter. Lovely. The paperwork all said "rain or shine" (whose big idea what THAT!?!) so I got ready, got the kids ready and headed out into the land of water.
On the way to the school, I started receiving text messages from people asking if it was still happening. I responded with "On my way to the school. I'll let you know."
I drove into the parking lot and immediately noticed that it was completely flooded. There were pump trucks working to clear the drains. It was overwhelming. I got the kids out of the car and, as we side stepped around gigantic puddles, we made it to the office. I was greeted by several people, the principal included, saying "We need to cancel!" No kidding! The parking lot is flooded and, as it turns out, so is the field.
I'm pretty sure I saw a few tv stands and other furniture floating by! Someone really needs to build an arc....and soon!
So now the job at hand is to reschedule the jog-a-thon...and hope that it finally stops raining for a while. It is seriously crazy how much rain has fallen in the past week.
Kaylen started in first thing yesterday morning about missing her and it went on all day. Kelton started asking as soon as he arrived home from school. I kept reminding them that she probably wasn't going to be able to call.
Then came a rescue plan! A friend of mine with a 10 year old son who my kids are crazy for asked if they could come over and hang out for a while. What a great distraction for the kids!! Kaylen loves to chase him through the house and, God bless him, he goes right along with it. Kelton and he both are into Pokemon so they hooked up their DS games and battled.
They hung out until almost bedtime which limited the whining and tears over Dakota to about an hour. Of course, that would be the hour I had them in their beds and was trying to get them to fall asleep. It was a "several lullaby" kind of night before they both drifted off.
Dakota sent an email last night and is hopeful she will be able to make contact with them tonight via Skype or a phone call. Here's hoping.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
So. Not. Fun.
My neck pain is growing worse by the hour and it has gotten difficult to turn my head side to said. My back? It's spasming pretty badly.
Oh yes. It's a joy to be me right now...and yet, life doesn't stop. I still have to keep going and so I will.
Onward we go.
Geez people! Get your minds out of the gutter.....wow. :)
I'm lusting after the Droid phone that Verizon has out. I know it's been out for a while and believe me, I'm been lusting after it for a while. Not that I can do anything about it since I only have had the phone I currently have for 6 months but still. It's pretty awesome.
Haven't seen it yet? Then get out your netbooks and go to verizonwireless.com and check it out. Pretty fancy!
I like my phone....I really do...but the draw of having a social networking phone is hard to walk away from. But sadly, walk away I must. Unless I win the lottery which doesn't seem likely since I don't play.
If you are looking for me - I'll be at the website drooling over the features. :)
It makes sense though with the headaches I've been having the past few days - not to mention my arms and hands going to sleep for no apparent reason and my grip being less than usual (though why I fail to put two and two together when I start getting the constant headache is beyond me. You'd think after two years I would start putting the pieces together but I guess that comes from 13 years of doing all I can to block out constant pain.) that I would be having a mini-flare up. I say "mini" because as much as it hurts and is frustrating, it is nothing like that first go around with it, which is my "go-to" when I remember how bad it *could* be.
Hopefully it will begin to settle down soon.
Monday, May 24, 2010
I can tell the stress of their stress is affecting me because I am hitting the kitchen at an alarming rate. And this after almost a year of hardly going in there unless it was to cook something for the kids. If I'm not careful I will need to start reading a lipozene review because there is no way I will graduate myself into my bigger jeans. No way, no how.
I need to go back to reaching for glass after glass of water during the day. That will help in many ways, I'm sure. And if the sun ever graces us with its appearance again, walks and bike rides would be nice, too.
I checked the weather though......it doesn't look like anything but rain for the next four days.....at least. Blick.
Only one more hour until bedtime.
Friday, Dakota was able to talk with them a couple times on the phone and Saturday and Sunday they were able to talk via Skype which really, really helped. They like being able to see her and she has been showing them things and even gave them a tour of her hotel room. I honestly believe that this whole thing is being made easier thanks to skyping. I'm not so much having that feeling that I will be needing hair dye and wrinkle cream once this week is behind us. :)
Kelton was really happy to realize that in 4 days Dakota will be on her way home. I had a feeling that the anticipation was far, far worse that the actuality of her being gone.
Some moments I am so convinced that she is in her teen years that I wonder if I should start looking up information for the best acne treatments or the rules on make up application.
But then.....on a dime she will turn. Sweet and cute and adorable with her little voice saying "I'm sorry Mommy. I love you bigger than this whole house!" and I will forgive her....as I brace myself for her teen years.
Friday, May 21, 2010
We carry around with us a treasure-trove of old emotional pain, old memories with old emotions, stored up and ready to fire off whenever just the right set of circumstances arise. It could be a critical tone of voice, a certain word, almost anything. We are burdened, in this case, by thoughts about the past in which our identity is invested. One thing: stop investing in the past-movie, and come to the Present.
Like many artists, I reflect the universal dilemma of alienation. This estrangement can happen when the voice in my head says a worrisome fearful thought is an actual situation. I respond as if I am in danger; really, it is mental fiction, a story disturbing the mind and body in a continuously negative loop. The positive real tale lies here in the Present Moment. Let me come to, and let go of “me and my story”.
I find this incredibly interesting and thought provoking. How many times have we done just that; let a thought or fear or worry control how we behaved in a situation that didn't necessarily call for the reaction we gave it based on our own internal baggage? "I respond as if I am in danger." Indeed.
It's too easy for me to get lost in my head when the rain falls. And being stuck in my head isn't all that great as I can play some pretty good mind games on myself. And no one thinks that's funny.
Come on sunshine!
Thursday, May 20, 2010
This morning I was at the school bright and early to take care of some PTO stuff and then back home I came to hit the web for the ol' job search. I updated my resume and then submitted it to a few positions I found. I have to say, some of these jobs really take employment screening to a new level. I know it's all the weeding out process but still....it's daunting. This whole thing is daunting.
I really would like my phone to start ringing soon with people who want to meet with me. I'm just sayin'.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
It's like there is a synchronicity among the people I have on my friends list. It's crazy and yet intriguing all at the same time.
Maybe it's just the human experience. Still - it amuses me. :)
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Any questions? :)
Yep - I paid bills and balanced the checkbook which, I am embarrassed to admit, was two months behind. (Yeah yeah - April was a tough month and it didn't seem all that important in the grand scheme of things.) It took a long time - far longer than usual due to various reasons. But it's done. Yay me.
After I finished those necessary chores, I hit the sales job search. Well...not really just sales jobs but really...any job search. Once I submitted a couple applications, it was time to toss Kaylen in the car and head to the grocery store and post office. I needed stamps to mail the bills (yes - I still do bills the old fashioned way. I like it. Get off me.) and we were out of, or running very low on, several grocery items.
It was a crazy rushed few hours but I got it all done and managed to still feed my daughter lunch at a reasonable time. Phew! I'm tired just thinking of all that I accomplished so far today and today? Yeah...it's far from over.
Why am I blogging in the dark? Simply stated: the kids are still sleeping and I am not ready to have them awake yet and the light from my room shines into Kaylen's room and has the huge potential for waking them. We can't have that yet. :)
Yesterday was a tough day for my little girl. Last night was a tough night for both the kiddos. Dakota is getting ready for her trip to Europe and while she is gone, the kids won't be able to have open contact with her. The cost and time difference makes it all but impossible. She will be there over a week and the kids are reeling from knowing they won't see or talk with her. My heart breaks from them but I know they will survive this. The real question is: Will I? The screaming and crying and flinging themselves at the suitcase she left here was more than I could take last night. We finally got ahold of Dakota and she talked with them for a while. Kaylen calmed down but Kelton was still in tears when he finally fell asleep. Poor boy. I know the anticipation is way worse than then actuality and I know he will be just fine...I just wish I could convince him of that before I lose my ever lovin' mind. Maybe now is a good time for me to look into a life insurance quote for myself because I swear, the week leading up to her trip just might do me in. :)
In other news......the Burgerville on Mill Plain is hosting a fund raising night for our school from 4-8 so if you are in the mood for Burgerville (and personally speaking - I am ALWAYS in the mood for Burgerville) head on over there tonight. You will be supporting a great school AND getting the best cheeseburger in town.
Monday, May 17, 2010
But now, just for fun, let me look it up and see what it is. Hang tight.
Ok - I'm back. Miss me? It's a cell phone booster which strengthens the signal.
Yeah - that doesn't tell me much either but there you have it.
No need to thank me. Just consider it a public service announcement. :)
Would anyone like to remove the knife from my heart?
I know she doesn't understand the necessity of my finding a job, nor the impact it will have on her world, but it still gets to me.
I'm applying at a lot of medical establishments. It seems to be a field that keeps pushing forward. It makes me wish I could do something like go to medical assistant school or something specialized to give me an edge. But school? Not likely. That is adding to bills instead of reducing and there is no way I am even remotely in a place to do something like that.
So onward we go in the job hunt. It feels never ending and I am ready for a bit of forward motion.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
So maybe that's what I should do. Just sit back and let the thoughts and events of the weekend swirl around in my head. It's been a wild few days - really good and not so good. But I guess that's life these days. In some ways, I feel my plate is as full as it can possible get and I am overwhelmed by it all and in other ways, I do understand that every situation is a chance to learn and grow.
Here's hoping there is more learning and growing in a positive manner this week than there are things that overwhelm me.
A new week. Full of possibilities, right? :)
Friday, May 14, 2010
We're starting to wrap up all the PTO stuff (Parent Teacher Organization) which, among other things means loading all the documents I have created over the year onto a flash drive for safe keeping.
We still have the school-wide jog-a-thon, yearbooks, field day and end of the year calendar set up for the new year to get through and then we are done.
Hard to believe it. Next year I will have a 3rd grader and a kindergartner. Wild.
It's warm though I hear it should be even warmer tomorrow. It's practically shorts weather and usually, I am fine with the clothing season change but this year? Not so much. I'm good with short sleeve shirts but my shorts and Capri's? Yeah. They don't so much fit anymore. They are way too big. I bought one pair a few weeks ago but one pair isn't going to cut it soon.
I guess there is a downside to losing weight (and yes, I know, gaining it too. But since I lost it that's where I'm going with this. And no, I didn't use diet pills. I used the "stress diet".).
I can't really complain though. I'm happy to be in smaller sized clothes again. But I have to say, it makes me wish I had kept all those smaller sized clothes I got rid of a few years ago. Life and learn.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Wall - meet Casey. Casey, wall.
Yep - that would be me hitting the wall......again.
The weeks ticking by are getting louder and louder and louder. Oh how I hate this. I know that I wouldn't really trade the years I had with my kids to raise them into the amazing people they are but there are days when I resent and regret the fact that I left a really, good, satisfying and well paying job when Kelton was born. The 8 year gap in employment is sooooooo hard. And the economy? Yeah - that doesn't help so much either.
I can't take just any job. There is day care costs to figure into the bills so a minimum wage job is just going to put me further behind because what is the point of taking a job that can't pay the bills and, in fact, adds hundreds more a month to them in day care?
And temp agencies? I called a couple and they admitted that right now they have so many people on the list that it's hit and miss.
Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow will be better.
(I'm just venting - no need to respond. I've applied for 3 jobs so fat this morning - I'm off to find some more.)
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Oh goodness. Maybe I shouldn't drink so much coffee in the morning. I get a bit bouncy and silly.
Let's see.....the kids are good. Kaylen has a new obsession: Otter Pops and the girl is going to drive me to the brink. I swear she would eat them all day long if I didn't cut her off. But Lord help me when I tell her "This is the LAST one for now!" because all hell breaks loose and suddenly I am the worst mom EVER and she hates me. I am going to chalk it up to an addiction issue and not take it personally.
So why do I continue to buy them for her? Yeah.....I dunno. I'm a sucker.
Kelton is doing well and growing like a weed. In school he is doing very well. We pulled back from his penmanship and spelling tutoring to avoid him getting burned out and giving up and it seems to have helped because he really was getting burned out. His penmanship has come a long way and he is trying with his spelling. His speech issues really give him a challenge though. And speaking of speech, he is doing well. His "th" sound is coming along nicely which is really great. I think correcting his speech problems will take more time than originally thought but it's coming along.
As for me, I'm keeping busy. Looking for a job and applying for ones I am qualified for takes up a chunk of time every morning. Slugging back an entire pot of coffee takes some time too so I multi-task on that one. :) I'm exploring options in my personal life which is great, fun, at times overwhelming but mostly really, really good. Figuring out what you want in life in your mid-40's is waaaaaaaaaaay different than in your mid-20's. Add to that kids, needing to do what is in their best interest, needing employment, needing to be thoughtful with my decisions, and all the other adult stressors and well.....it's a lot. Sometimes I think I have no idea what I'm doing on any front but I just keep muddling along trying to make the best choices I can. Sometimes I wish I had a time machine to travel forward and see where I will be and to know that I'm doing well in the here and now with my choices and decisions. But - since I don't have a time machine, I just have to follow my heart and my gut instincts. That's the best I can do.
The weather has been up and down. Rain and then amazingly beautiful and then rain again. I love, love, love the beautiful days and they do so much to lift my spirits but I have to say - the back and forth of the temperatures and humidity and barometric pressure really screws with me. The barometric pressure effects my spinal fluid pressure and triggers headaches (and for those of you who get migraines, this is true for you as well) and the changes in temperature and humidity really affect my skin. I swear to you that lately I feel like a 13 year old in need of acne treatment. It's crazy. But that is what spring does to me. Every. Single. Year. Ugh.
Tonight Dakota is coming over for her time with the kids (it's a wacky schedule this month due to trips, school events, etc.). Dakota's girlfriend is in town again so she and I are going to hit happy hour and hang out for a while. I really enjoy her company and she is fun to talk with. I know what many of you are probably thinking but you know what? I don't really care. :) Dakota and I are thoughtful in our decisions regarding the kids and what goes on around them and since we are lesbians and moms, the kids have been surrounded by women their entire lives. It's men they are completely unfamiliar with having in their lives in a capacity other than grandfather, uncles or cousins. Our bringing friends into their lives now is not much different than before. It's all in the way things are presented, framed and talked about. Unless you are a lesbian with children, I'm not sure you can understand it all. But know this: a lesbian divorce is NOTHING like a heterosexual divorce. And Dakota's and my divorce is NOTHING like anyone elses. We are friends and co-parents and we are in all of this together. So really? Unless you are Dakota, Kelton, Kaylen or me; you have no say in what happens or doesn't happen. So there! :) You are welcome to handle your children, your ex, their new partner and your divorce in whatever manner works for you. I promise I won't judge you for your decisions so do not judge me.
I'll get off my soapbox now. :)
And on that note, I will end this and let everyone, myself included, get back to their lives. Have a great day/evening/night!
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
I remember well the day the kids and I moved up to a hotel to stay so I could be with my mom. Little did any of us know it would be for a 5 week stay. If you want to take the journey again (or for the first time) you can find it all in the archives of April and May 2007.
My mom and me on my 2nd birthday.
Friday, May 07, 2010
Thursday, May 06, 2010
I started taking my vitamins and additional iron tablets yesterday and, today, by the 3rd dose of iron, I started feeling more alert and awake and just better. Maybe this explains all the naps I have been craving and the naps that have snuck up on me unannounced. Let's hope so. I like that explanation more than any other. :)
The kids are with me this weekend and I am really, really hoping for nice weather. It would be nice to get them out and about...maybe go to the duck pond and feed the ducks or to a park to play for a while. At the very least, the backyard would be nice too. Of course, there is the flip side to that; if it's nice, I probably should get out there and pull some weeds and clean up the driveway crevices. Have I mentioned how much is detest yard work? Oh yeah.......really, really detest. Blah.
And....it's Mother's Day Weekend. I'm glad I get my kiddos with me for Mother's Day. Dakota will come over and spend a bit of time with them on Sunday as well....and I'm glad about that. It means a lot to the kids and I know, as their moms, it means a lot to both of us too.
Tuesday, May 04, 2010
I don't want the students to lose computer lab. What is that going to mean for all the kids who don't have computers in their homes (for our population that is about 40-50% of the population. Possibly higher.) I don't want to lose David, the teacher. He is amazing and involved deeply with our PTO. And out PTO has precious few people on it. Four parents and six teachers. We are already struggling and are overworked. For everyone who votes against school bonds and replacement levy's? This is what happens when there is no funding available. I know it's easy to say you don't care if you don't currently have kids in the system but for the rest of us? This is so very important and has the potential for setting our kids, our sweet babies, up for not being able to keep pace with the rest of the world. The US is already so far behind all things academic.
And the truth is, depending on many things, I might not be with the PTO next year. I'm conflicted on that but mostly I am stressed out on the job front. I really need things to come together.
There is just a lot going on right now on all sides. And today I am finding it hard to get it all done.
Sunday, May 02, 2010
Friday night I met a new friend for dinner and had a fun time getting to know her as we swapped stories and shared pictures of our kids. The time flew by and soon we were saying goodbye.
Saturday Dakota and the kids headed up into the mountains to spend the weekend with Dakota's niece and her kids. The cousins are close in age and the 4 of them have so much fun together. While they were traveling there and settling in I did grocery shopping and a few things around the house and then I crawled under my covers and took a nice long nap. Bliss!
When I woke up I spent some time chatting online with another friend (and can I just say how nice it is to talk with someone without having the leave the conversation a bunch of times to take care of the kiddos? It was decadent.) and then it was time to get ready to go out.
My friend, Cande, and I headed out to a local martini bar and then for kicks and giggles we went to the only gay bar in town. It was a total dive but fun just the same and bonus! Cande and I now have lots of things to say to each other that will dissolve us into fits of laughter. Always fun!
I was back home by 10:30pm because Cande had to work this morning but we are already hatching plans for our next night out.
I sort of lost all sense of my ability to make a good choice and I drank a double sized Rock Star energy drink at 5pm so........at 3am I was still wide awake. Ooops. I won't make that mistake again. :)
I finally fell asleep. The dogs woke me at 5:30 for breakfast and then I crawled back under the covers and slept until 9. I remember jolting awake and noticing it was light. My mind started racing: why hadn't Kaylen woken up yet? Oh my gosh - something is wrong with her! And then I remembered that they weren't here. I'm so conditioned to having them with me that it was odd to remember they were not here.
I made my coffee and crawled back under the covers with my laptop. I surfed, answered emails, talked on the phone, etc. for a while as I half-watched TV. It was great. I finally jumped in the shower around noon but even after that, I hung out in my room and just enjoyed the peace and quiet.
I chatted with a couple friends as the day moved on and then I finally heard the sounds of little people at the front door. Two very tired looking children stumbled into the house. Kaylen had fallen asleep on the trip back and complained of a sore neck so I snuggled her into my bed and turned on a show for her. It seemed to help and ease her back into being awake. Kelton joined me for a while as well - it was so nice to have them beside me. As much as I love my weekend alone, I was glad to have my babies back with me.
A great weekend, indeed!