Getting Used To Missing Her

It's been a sucky 24 hours. I miss my cat so damn much it isn't funny. I honestly had no idea how integral she was in my life - how much a part of everything she was. My eyes keep playing tricks and I will see her here and there - but then my eyes will focus and it will either be nothing or one of the three remaining cats. Three. A year ago at this time we had five which yes, I know seems like a lot but it really wasn't. Even at night when all five cats were in the same room it didn't seem like a lot. It was just our life. Last night it was just three (plus the dogs) and it felt so wrong. So many pieces missing.

Everything I did this morning as I went about my routine made it painfully obvious that Taz is gone. No Tazzy waiting on the bed for me when I went to take my shower. No Taz greeting me as I came out of the bathroom. No Taz following me from room to room as I went about getting things done. No Taz sleeping on the back of the couch or coming in last night to walk across me as I tried to sleep. No meows heard when the house became too quiet for her (she loved the noise and chaos and if the kids were too quiet for too long she would start calling out and would only settle back down when the noise was back to a level that she liked).

Now don't get me wrong - she had her more than obnoxious qualities: the first of which was she needed noise and activity constantly (after the kids would go to bed she would cry and cry and cry and would take a long time to settle down). She would paw at doors and cabinets to make them bang - usually just because she was bored and usually in the evening or in the night. For years she was a force to be reckoned with at the door - she would always be looking for a way to escape into the big world and sometimes she did. We would have to chase her all over the place to get her safely back inside.

She was so tiny. Compared to other cats she looked like she was about a year old - very small and petite. It was hard to keep weight on her in the winter so she was given lots of treats and extra food. She never weighed more than 8lbs in her entire life and generally hung out around 6 or 7lbs. Her nose was so tiny. But her personality was huge. You knew she was in the house.

She was the only cat who would ever come out if we had company. Most people never believe that we had other cats because they are never anywhere to be seen but Taz was always in the mix. At the very least she would watch the happenings from the safety of the dining room table. Always watching her beloved chaos.

I miss her so much I can barely breathe today which I know might seem weird to some. But let's be honest, pets give us something that you rarely, if ever, get from another human - unconditional love. They just want to be loved and they want to love you back. It's a pure relationship and it hurts like hell to lose it.

Dakota and I are struggling. Kaylen, well - she's 2. She is ok with it but then again, how many times in the past year has she heard about heaven and people/animals going there. It's just reality for her. She did ask several times yesterday when Taz would be coming home. Kelton, on the other hand, we are worried about. He swings back and forth. He was really close to Charlie and after he died, Taz became his buddy. Never before had Taz allowed him to get as close to her and this summer she began letting him carrying her around (not always happy about it but she would let him). She slept in his room (which she always did for at least part of the night) and seemed to watch over him. The two of them became good buddies. Now she is gone. We're worried that he will just begin to feel like it isn't worth getting close to anyone or anything because they will just leave. But then, maybe all the talks about heaven and not having pain, etc. makes him feel safe with their leaving for this mysterious place. I know he talks about everyone being together and how Charlie must be so happy to have Taz with him again. I don't know - all we can do it watch, wait and see.

Grieving sucks and honestly, we've all had enough for right now. We need a break from bad news. We just need some time to be happy and feel safe. Is that really all that much to ask for?

She's Gone

Tazzy, true to her independent nature, chose to leave this earth on her own terms and alone. Dakota went into the vet's office to sign in and take care of all the paperwork and left Taz in her carrier in the car. Taz was clearly dying in front of our eyes this morning and for about 10 minutes I thought a trip was going to be unnecessary. Her cries through spurred us into action because we didn't want to force her to linger and she was clearly in pain.

When Dakota went out to the car to get her (she left her there to spare her unneeded jostling and stress since she was in pain) Taz was dead.

We believe she chose that time to go. Alone. She had come out to find us this morning in the living room and allowed us to see she needed help. Then she let us all say goodbye but then she wanted to get away from us. We closed all the room doors so she couldn't go hide under a bed but left her alone until it was time to put her in the carrier. She clearly didn't want us with her even then so really, it doesn't surprise me that we saw her chance to go on her own terms and alone and took it.

We are all really going to miss her. As obnoxious as she was known to be, she had been with me 6 months before I met Dakota. Taz has been a big part of our life - which says a lot for a 7lb cat. Sure, she may have been a wee little thing but her heart was as big as the world.

Even though she was an indoor only cat - her heart longed to be outside. This summer I decided to stop fighting the cats and let them have outside time in the backyard (supervised) only. They loved it but none more than Taz. I'm so glad I gave her a summer of outside. She loved lying under the trees and play structure and she loved playing chase a a stick with the kids and she loved, loved, loved being in my lap on the swing and soaking up the sun. We all love you, Taz!

My Personal Stress Indicator

Now I know this is going to sound weird but I really do have my own personal stress indicator and monitor system. I can tell when I am maxed out on stress and I can tell when things are feeling more under control. No seriously. It's true.

Taz, my 13 year old tabby cat, is my monitoring system.

It all started back in 2004 when we were trying to get pregnant with Kaylen (we had a bit of stress over that!). I suddenly noticed that Taz had begun chewing off the fur on her hind legs. And then, when I was about 6 months pregnant, and incredibly stressed out about adding a baby and Dakota applying to law school (a virtual single mom full-time to a 3 year old and a newborn?!?! Are you kidding me??? What was I thinking?? EEEEK!!!), Taz started shearing her entire back half - including her belly. We would joke about her being shaved for surgery (it's totally what she looked like) and how perhaps she needed a Hair Transplant or, in her case, a fur transplant.

She would periodically let it grow in and then BAM! It was gone again. We started noticing a pattern; the more stressed out I was over this, that or the other thing, the less hair she left on her hindquarters. When things calmed down, she would let her hair grow in.

When I left for Seattle back in April, the poor cat was practically bald and yet, five weeks later after being away from my stress, she was a furry cat again. For the past month she has left her fur alone and then today I noticed her ankles are bare again. Something tells me it's the stress of having Kaylen sick this week that is doing it.

Hopefully, now that I am working out, my stress levels can even out so the poor cat can have some fur. :)