Right now my world is very peaceful and still. Just what I need. It's so odd to hear the stillness instead of the constant input of noise and the constant whirling of thoughts in my head. Instead of crazy-making thoughts swirling (like; how much laundry do I need to do today? Do the beds need changing? Should I be mopping instead of blogging, maybe looking up home remedies for acne? Figuring out what I need at the store? Planning a menu for dinner?) I am left with important thoughts. Some deep, some not but they are thoughts I don't get to think when I'm caught up in the noise of life with children.
Being without the kids is a new experience for me and while I thought it would be really, really hard it's not all that bad. I miss them, yes. I love seeing them, yes but somewhere in all this I am stopping to breathe and take inventory and be with me. Rediscover what I like and have it be ok that there are things I don't like. I never really got to know myself in my 30's or in the first half of my 40's (I was 32 when I broke my back and that pretty much defined who I was for most of that decade. Then Kelton was born when I was 37 and then Kaylen when I was 40).
But now. Now I get a chance to be me. Still a mom. Still a responsible person but also ME. I get to decide how I want to spend my time and who I want to spend time with. Not all the time, mind you but a whole heck of a lot more often than I ever have before.
This is a new world. And so far, it's an ok place to be.
5 comments:
Oh, I'm so happy you are using that time to find yourself! I remember the first weekend without my kids, how strange, how quiet. I soon found that I could enjoy my time without having to always have one ear tuned to "uh-oh" sounds. It is healing, isn't it? And it will be glorious when they return!!
I am also so happy for you.....my first weekend without the kids I did nothing but sat and cried all weekend......but over all I came to realize it made me a better mom....becuase I did have some down time.....you know a whole weekend where I didn't have to worry about any body.....
I'm so excited for you to begin a new chapter in your life. While the situation is still difficult I know it must also feel so freeing.
Casey, I just read your last several posts and I just wanted to tell you - I'm so proud of you. I think when challenge and hardship hits us, the one good thing that we can get from it is to grow, to become more of ourselves than maybe we were before. I think you are doing an amazing job of that.... and although I know that that doesn't make the bad things any less painful, but it can be a small piece of peace you can cling to in the storm. Keep going. You can do this.
I remember my first few kid-free days. I didn't know what to do with myself. I had all this free time to just do whatever. Strange yet wonderful.
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