I have had a not-so-great weekend. I'm in a funk and can't seem to get out of it right now. You know that "the deck is stacked against you" feeling? Yeah. I got it and for no particular reason. I mean seriously, you would think I would be used to the state of affairs in my life (no job, rejection, being overwhelmed, exhausted, etc.) that I would just come to accept it and know that it is what it is.
And yet. And yet I want it different. I want someone to call on the many applications I submit each week. I want someone to say "I see potential and I'm willing to take a risk on you." But nope.
Yes, I have tons of things to be grateful for....and I am, believe me. I know it could be worse and I am very thankful it isn't. I'm healthy (enough) to be able to live my life, my kids are fantastic and amazing and healthy, no one in my family is dealing with a horrible disease. I have people who support me in many various ways.
So why do I have this overwhelming feeling to run for the hills? Fight or flight and I'm tired of fighting. I guess that's what it is.
I need a break (which, yes, I know is ironic considering I don't have a job), a weekend at the beach, time with friends to just be silly and laugh....or cry. Whichever. I need a break from the stress and the worry of how this is all going to turn out.
Because this life? Not really turning out the way I dreamed it would.