Yeah... so umm....yesterday didn't go all that well for me. Let's just say I experienced "Failure to Cope" in a big, big way. The stress of everything has gotten to me in untold ways.
I held it together with the kids but I was definitely not a happy camper on the inside. I even took them to Lloyd Center where there is an "all things pirate" store that Kelton has been dreaming of for the past couple weeks since he saw it on an outing with Dakota. The kids each had $2.00 so they found something that they could pay half of and I picked up the other half. Kaylen left with a plush small monkey that makes monkey sounds and Kelton choose four plastic pirate characters. They are both very happy so all in all, a successful trip.
I, of course, spent time job searching. Always the highlight to my day (she said with sarcasm dripping from her words) because I've begun to see the process as an experience in virtual rejection. Hey - maybe I can create an affiliate internet marketing group for that. Ok ok - not funny. But really? Instead of being a hopeful experience, looking for a job has become a test for me; how long can my self esteem take constant rejection before I break?
Clearly about 7 months is the answer.
A bit later I set up the sprinkler for the kids and uncovered the pool. I ducked into the house for a few minutes and when I came back, Kelton had managed to break the new sprinkler I had bought just last week to replace the old one that had broken. This would be the sprinkler I need to water the lawn. Needless to say, being so close to the edge, it tipped me right over. I went inside and cried. Yes, you read that right. I cried over a broken $18 sprinkler. But you know, I don't have $18 to buy a new one at this point.
My mental state took a nose dive from there. Luckily, when bedtime for the kids rolled around, the kids wanted to have some "chat time". Somewhere in the hour conversation, they lifted me up with their love and things didn't feel quite so hopeless. They will never know how much that conversation helped me. They are amazing kids and I am so, so lucky to have them.
How's my mental state today? Tenuous at best but I'm holding on.
3 comments:
Sorry you're having a rough patch. If you still have the receipt they might be willing to exchange the sprinkler. Never hurts to try.
Hope today turns out better then yesterday.
Sometimes holding on is all we can do and then one day it does not seem so hard to tolerate what is what we call our life. And the sunshine melts the black clouds..... I wish you the best Casey.
UGH, sorry you're in a funk. We should have coffee soon. I'm without Declan for two weeks so I have plenty of free time and I'm kind of in my own little funk...
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