Wow. Who knew that my seemingly innocent post (see below) would elicit such a reaction from my sister (and, according to her, my brother). Good heavens - you would think I was dressing him in drag *just* to make him different. "His life is going to be hard enough coming from the family he is - why would you even *think* about letting him do this? At his age he should be wanting to dress like a superhero. He is a boy and he should be acting like one." (This is not word for word but the general idea.)
For all of those who are saying "Well....I have to say I do agree....
" let me ammend my earlier post by saying in the course of today the prince has changed his mind at least 4 times regarding what he would like to be. He bounced back and forth between Pooh, a robot, a princess and back to a robot. I did finally give him the choise of the three costumes we have for him and he settled on Pooh.
However, I am sad to report that after hearing bits and pieces of my umm..."conversation" with my sister he has decided to go "as a blank" to the MOMS Club halloween party tomorrow. In his lingo, this means he doesn't want to dress up at all. I think I may have him convinced to wear his Spider Man PJ's - or at least the top (See, dear sister of mine....he DOES enjoy dressing as a super hero at times.). I feel bad for him. I know he knows he was the topic of a very heated conversation that bounced in all different directions.
Apparently I am raising my child to be a target in the world because I refuse to let people tell him what he should play with. I am setting him up for being bullied because "let's face it - he already has so many things against him."
The conversation went on and on and on and on and on.
I do so love getting parenting advice from someone who has never raised children but instead only cared for other people's kids for a day or maybe a weekend. We talked about how she has so much more knowledge about raising children than me because she has worked with more kids than I ever have. I countered with "other people's children are not your own. It is NOT the same." I said it and I mean it. I stick to that line of thought 150%. I think it is leaps and bounds easier to stand tough with a child that is not your responsbility 24/7. I can be as tough as nails on any child that is not my own. I used to spout all the child rearing advice on what people "should" do with their child and what I *would* do with mine when I had them.
Yeah right.
It's just not the same. I can't even begin to explain all the ways it's not the same. People can love my kids - grandparents, aunts, uncles, other caregivers, friends, etc - and they can love them with all their heart. But it isn't, and never will be, the same for them as it is for me. I think I can speak for D on this front as well as we've had many conversations about the exact thing. We love our kids and know our kids more intensly than anyone. No one else would even come close. Not even if they wanted to. We knew these kids before they were born and we've been with them every single day since. We know them inside and out, upside down and backwards. It's not that way for anyone else.
My sister says she knows my son. This I seriously doubt since we visit one weekend every few months and have since he was 10 weeks old (when we moved out of the area). How in the world can she say that she really "knows" him? Plain and simple, she can't.
All these conversations that abound about good parenting/bad parenting makes me crazy. Makes me doubt myself when I really shouldn't. I honestly and truly believe I am doing what is in the best interest of my children for for the family D and I created. I really do.
So why is it I feel like I have to defend my choices and decisions every time I turn around?
Drives me freakin' crazy.
5 comments:
In your heart you know your sister doesn't understand. She may have good intentions, but she doesn't get it.
Remember Carson went thru that phase of wearing Katie's clothes on an almost daily basis? A few people from play group were a little taken back and surprised. But her clothes came in colors and prints that his didn't (pink, flowers, hearts etc). They were pretty...of course he was drawn to them.
The joys of being a moms...we are forever being given parenting advise that makes us doubt ourselves
Oh let the kid be a damn princess. Or fairy. Or butterfly. It's Halloween. And even if he wants to wear a dress every day for the next 3 months, who cares? Tell your sister to shove it. *Just* because he has two moms should not in any way mean that you have to *make* him be a *man* right now. He'll be a man soon enough. For now he's a little boy. One who wants to be a princess.
Although... I know it was sad in the context he said it... I think saying he wants to be a blank is frankly adorable.
Guess I should have read your blog before sending you the e-mail this morning.
First, let Kelton decide who he want's to be. I know you won't "make" him dress up in something he doesn't want to. Good for him wanting to be a Princess. I was guessing that it was a fleeting thought that could change in a moment or days... which IMO is what the basis of your quandry was. Hmmm... how do I acquire princess stuff on this short notice and is he going to change his mind?
Secondly, I have to absolutely agree with your comments on parenting. I tried to say this same thing in a response on E's blog yesterday. IMHO, being a parent to your OWN child is far far FAR different than "parenting" someone else's child. I don't care if it is 24/7 or not, if it is not a permanent placement it is not the same.
I will take it even a step farther... I also think it is different to parent your biological child than it is to parent your non-biological child. In our house we've created a family that fits the above scenario.
Now, the girls' ARE my girls' and I love them unconditionally. I LOVE LOVE LOVE my girls. I wouldn't say that I love S any more than I love the girls'. BUT I would say there is *something* different. It may just be circumstantial, but there is something different and I'd by lying if I didn't admit to it.
Did I tell you the flak I got from my mom over the lipstick I bought for Brendan this weekend? Every time he expresses an interest in anything not typically masculine, then I get a "you really need to expose him to more men". Uh mom, doesn't he see his grandfather, you know your husband, 5 days a week? And this is from someone who has raised kids and has been helping to raise this particular child.
Kelton should be able to be whatever he wants to be for Halloween, what your sister says be damned.
Well Casey, first and formost this is YOUR child... not everyone is going to agree, or have the same philosophies. Not everyone is going to think that how or what you are doing is right. BUT IT IS YOUR FAMILY! YOUR CHILDREN, YOUR CHOICE. You are a good mom, and I can tell that Dakota is a good mom, and I'm sure your sister knows this too. SO, even if she disagrees she is going to have to get over it, because bottom line, it is YOUR family.
We are a "normal" little home with a daddy, but that doesn't change the fact that Owen loves jewelry and he wanted to be a pink poodle for haloween. Now we decided against it, and I probably won't buy him lipstick, but that doesn't change the fact that he is drawn to marti gras beads... Still same rule applies. MY FAMILY MY CHOICE we say "no lipstick" and that is okay too.
So Casey just love your kids and you and D make your own choices... and we will all love you for it.
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