Oh sure - as a society we can agree on the big points: neglect, abuse, endangerment, etc. but what about smaller issues like manners and behaviors. I'm talking about the young ones...from age 1-5....who has defined "bad parenting" and what standard is being employed?
I'm tired of feeling guilty because my child doesn't behave perfectly - because he acts like a 3 year old (which he is, by the way). I'm tired of feeling like I never should have had children - that I can't raise them properly to be decent members of society.
This is what got me going today (well - in truth it was the straw that broke this camels back today): a person on one of my list-serves sent a posting that revolved around these lines:
*snip*
I think that how 'good' your children are is a direct reflection of how good a parent you are. I know that my opinion won't be a popular one because many parents can't own their child's negative bahaviors.
*end snip*
So basically I'm a crappy parent because my child isn't as good as gold and because I can't "control" him. Because he is "busy".
I realize this is an over simplication but I also realize that there are a lot of people out there who feel they have the right to judge other people's parenting when those parents really are doing the best they can at any given moment. Children can be wild. They need to be "tamed" so to speak. That would be the process of raising children.
In the end, if you have an adult who can function in the world and contribute than you have done a great job. We're raising human beings and the process is messy, unpredictable and challenging. I think we should support each other and not give blanket statements like "your children's behavior is a direct reflection on the kind of parent you are". Just how helpful is that anyway?
From my perspective, being a parent is a tough gig. I'm hard enough on myself - I don't need other people being hard on me as well. Besides, what equates to bad parenting for one person isn't for another. What's that? You'd like a few examples? Ok - here goes:
What may be considered bad parenting by some but embraces by others:
co-sleeping
not co-sleeping
crying it out
not crying it out
attachment parenting
TV allowed
TV not allowed
creative expression through paints
not encouraging creative expression through paint
being allowed to stay up too late
not seeing a parent because it means staying up later and that isn't happening
being allowed computer access
not being allowed computer access
bottle feeding
extended nursing
being too strict about kid behaviors that aren't all that awful
not caring if your kid climbs under the table at a restuarant as long as s/he is quiet
being too controlling
being too permissive
So...as you can see, there are lots of ways to look at things. I am not saying that children should not be raised to have good manners and know how to behave in a proper and acceptable way but I am saying that we ought to stop implying the people are "bad parents" based soley on the way their children behave in isolated instances or in one type of environment.
I don't know....all I really know is I am not perfect in anything I do. Neither is my child. That's life.
7 comments:
I am resisting replying to this person on the list because it made me so mad and a hormonal pregnant rant is probably not condusive. All I can say is wait till her sweet, easy going baby hits toddlerhood. I can't beleive anyone is so naieve to beleive colic happens because parents are stressed and anxious and babies cry alot because of how their parents are.
I hear you on the 'busy' comment, we get it about Harriet all the time. I truly beleive some people have trouble with the concept of an articulate, smart, active, thinking for themselves preschooler and choose to label them badly behaved, however I see it as my goal to bring up my kids to be that way as adults so why wouldn't I expect it in them as children. I really do wonder about the child who meekly does everything they are told all the time. If you are a bad parent then sign me up for the club too.
I agree with Gabrielle. I resist replying negatively, but just wanted to tell you that I was completely appalled at the direct attack on you. Parents like you make me feel normal! I often feel like a bad parent because I do own my child's behaviors, even if it's not things I taught him. People would not agree with all my discipline methods either (as I found out on Friday) but sometimes we snap and lose it too. Just wanted to say that I'm there with you.
LOL being a mom is rough business. I love it when mothers of babies start talking about things like manners. They have NO clue. That would be like me offering my view on raising teenagers, seriously, I have no clue.
I hate the way moms are so hard on other moms, were all in this crazy business together, I don't know why we can't just be kind and supportive. Lord knows we all need as much support as we can get.
Casey you are a great mom, you do a great job with the prince and the princess, and I don't think you should think twice about what some judgmental idiot would say.
Well, you all probably know how I feel because I couldn't withold responding.
Can I still be in the club? :)
I never comment anywhere, but casey's blog seems like a good place to start. I agree with some of what everyone has to say, but I also disagree with some of what each of you has to say as well. Children are a direct reflection of their parents, but it take till ther adult life to be able to see it. I see alot of mom in myself and in the way I do things. But at 3 you never would have guessed what kind of parent my mom was or what I would become.But their behavior is only influeneced by their parents. We can only show them the correct way to do things and impose on them what we feel is the best thing for them. And yes parenting styles differ greatly, and no one style is good or bad. And everyone needs to respect that people are going to have very diffrent ways of raising children and diffrent opions on how children should be raised. Even in my own house we already disagree sometimes on what the other is doing but we both also know that we will have to come to a compromise and stand a united front on our parenting style. And I agree that just because you have an easy baby does not mean that you will not have a easy toddler. But I also believe 100% that you set the standards for your childs behavior. You may not be able to control what they do all the time, but you can and do influence how they behave on a daily basis. And children do respond to how their parents act... a nervous and anxious parent may be more likely to have a nervous and anxious child... but not always. And just because you are a laid back parent does not mean you will have a laid back child. Futhermore I believe that some people get stuck in that ugly cycle where their child is colicky and that makes them upset, and then the kids get more upset and so forth and so on and it just continues to escalate. And colic is no ones fault, it something that happens and something that will eventually go away too. Casey has done nothing that is going to ruin her children forever and "that other person"'s attack on her was uncalled for. Casey I believe you are doing the best that you can or know how to do and that is the best anyone can hope for. I know that somewhere along the line I will do something that makes someone else think,"Hey she's a crappy parent" but on the retro side of that I hope that I do things that make people look and say "hey what a good parent". Just hang in there, this too shall pass. And remember t's only life afterall.
Casey,
You love them. You provide for them. You don't intentionally hurt them and would never allow anyone to do that. You wonder all the time if you are messing them up for all eternity. Good parents do that. Bad parents never worry because they don't care.
No one does it right 100% of the time. If you are doing most of it right most of the time, you're ahead of the pack. Twenty years from now you will look at him and be proud that you are his mother, and that's what counts. He will love you and forgive you for your mistakes, and you will get to watch him parent his kids, and you'll know that you did okay.
You're a mom. Sometimes good, sometimes bad, sometimes just a mom. But you are not a bad mother. You've given up a career and creature comforts and sanity to stay home with them and provide them with a loving and supportive environment. All kids should be so lucky.
Casey,
You know, everyone has an opinion! My opinion is that you are a wonderful mother and that your son is just fine. He is who he is and you love him for it. I really believe that people make comments because they are so insecure in their own parenting that they have to find the "one" thing that they can do or think they can do better than you or me. BLAH on them..
Also, I want to be in the bad mothers club too...can I, can I?
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