Blessing Amidst the Chaos

Today is the first day in weeks that I feel like I'm standing on solid ground. Well - maybe not solid but certainly not the quicksand I have been standing on for the past couple of weeks.

I credit that to the support all of you have been giving me though emails, comments both here and on Facebook, real life face time, phone calls, etc. Kelton has been placed on several prayer chains (for which I am grateful, thank you!) and is being thought about across the globe. Amazing, really. It's hard sometimes to feel connected to a world outside and yet here is proof positive; we are all connected.

I have family members calling regularly which remind me how much we are loved and cared about and how much they are standing at the ready to swoop in and hold us up if we need it. I have friends dropping of Peppermint Mochas who let me stand in the foyer and cry huge alligator tears of fear as they hold me up and remind me that we can do this; we can face whatever it is and get through whatever comes. Friends and family who absolutely refuse to believe anything serious could be wrong with such a strong, happy child. Friends who bring their babysitting-aged daughter to my house to stay with my kids so she can follow me, and then bring me home, from the car repair place. Who so thoughtfully brought along a peppermint mocha and then was appropriately impressed that I sucked that puppy down in the 4 minute drive. (What can I say? It's comfort food for me.)

I have a friend who sent an email yesterday asking me to allow her to bring us dinner. She ended her email with a "please say yes." so I responded with one word: yes. And a hot, homemade kid-friendly, healthy dinner was in my kitchen at 5pm. I can't begin to tell you how far that simple act of kindness went last night. Kelton was beaming that someone would be so nice to us and Dakota and I both felt "taken care of". So sweet and so kind. Thank you, friend.

I have friends texting just to let me know they are thinking of me. I walk by the computer to find the IM screen blinking at me; a friend from clear across the country writing to see if I'm doing ok.

Connected in a million ways to all of you - and it has all helped, and continues to help, so much.

We have no word on anything beyond the urine test. At this point I'm torn between wondering what will be harder: knowing or not knowing. In not knowing, there is worry and fear and pain and confusion and tears but in knowing the risk of it all being there for the long haul still exists. It may not be but it's still a huge risk. I know people always say it's better to know. I'm just not sure it's where I stand. Denial runs deep in me and it's a safe place. Reality? Well - it can be a very unforgiving place sometimes.

I want to say thank you. Thank you for being there and for helping to keep me standing these past few days. I'm pretty sure the ground I am standing on today wouldn't be what it is without you.

Keep praying. Keep thinking of us. We love you for it.