Dancing on the Edge

One Year Ago

One year ago today was, without a doubt, the worst day of my life. The moments of that afternoon will echo in my heart forever - each and every second is seared into my memory and every fiber of my being. It's the first time that Kaylen stopped breathing.

And yes, I said first.

The first was the worst. And while I will never, ever get used to it, my heart doesn't stop now like it did that first day. I know the things to do now to get through it. I know she will start to breathe again...even if those moments feel like a million lifetimes. I didn't know that the first time. For those moments in time I was sure I was holding my dying child. I have never been more terrified in my entire life. Never. Not ever.

Kaylen has what is called Pallid Breath Holding Spells which is an involuntary response to sudden trauma such as a painful fall (usually when she hits her head) or to something that terrifies her (again, usually when she hurts herself). For some reason she stops breathing and passes out. I wish it was as easy as it sounds but it's not. At least not for the Moms.

One year ago. It seems like this has been going on for forever and yet, at the same time, the terror I felt that day truly does feel like it was just yesterday.