Dancing on the Edge

The Most Terrifying Hour of My Entire Life

I'm not entirely sure that I am in a state of mind to write this out - the terror is so fresh and every time I close my eyes I see it all over again. When I try to be still for a second, my mind plays out all the scenarios that *could* have happened. Yes, I know they *didn't* happen but it doesn't stop my brain from terrorizing me.

Kaylen, my 11 month old baby girl, and I were playing this afternoon while her big brother snoozed peacefully. She, being the clever girl that she is, invented a new "game" and even though I knew it wasn't the safest of things to be doing I let her because she was having such a great time and I love to hear her laugh. Our couch and loveseat are set up in the traditional L shape with an end table smooshed in at the angle of the L (you know, so you can have a lamp for reading). Anyway.....Kaylen discovered the joys of flinging herself over the arm of the couch, sliding onto the end table, sitting up, looking at me like she just won a gold medal, laughing hysterically and then climbing back to me to start all over again.

I was RIGHT there. I was holding her legs so she couldn't go too fast or fall from the table. But......on about the sixth time of the game something went wrong. I'm not sure exactly what happened - it's blurry in my memory - but she crashed onto the table neck first (chin up). It was a horrible sight. I grabbed her because I knew the tears were coming... except she didn't move from the position her body had landed - her neck was still extended, her eyes had a faraway look to them, her mouth was open but instead of a scream there was nothing but a horrible silence. I tried to get her attention thinking that she was just too scared to cry. No reaction. None. She started turning blue - I tried again. Still nothing - her face was now the color I would imagine comes with death. Then her eyes rolled back into her head and her body fell limp. She wasn't breathing.

I ran, with her in my arms, to the kitchen, grabbed the phone and called 9-1-1. I was crying hysterically because I was absolutely positive in my arms I was holding my dying baby. I was sure she had broken her neck and that she was dying. She was still limp, not breathing. Then she made some gurgling noises - awful, awful sounds. Suddenly it dawned on me that I should have her laying flat incase her neck *was* broken. I am still crying on the phone to the medical dispatcher. The person on the other end of the phone talked me through some things - finally....finally Kaylen started to cry...and then scream....and then flail around a bit. THANK GOD!

The ambulance was mere blocks away, I was told. And yet - it felt like it took a lifetime to arrive. During all this, Kelton woke up and come out to see what was happening. To his credit, he was very together. I asked him to get my cell phone and call Dakota. He did but since it was 4:30pm she was already at school and unreachable. Being my smart boy, he called Brenda. She couldn't really understand why he was saying about calling 9-1-1, the ambulance and baby sister having a blue face so she asked for me. I quickly said the ambulance was there and things were not ok. I'd call later. Meanwhile, Dakota was trying to call us back.

Needless to say, Dakota flipped out and said "I'm on my way!" She called her mom to come over to help.

While that is going on the paramedics are giving my baby a head to toe assessment. She didn't appear to have life threatening injuries so I had a choice - they could take her in the ambulance or I could take her to my peds office. After being reassured a few times that it would be safe to transport her myself, and told that it might be more traumatic for her to be strapped down with all the medical stuff they would have to use, I agreed to take her to the peds office myself.

I signed forms and they left. A quick call to Dakota to let her know where we were going (she would meet us there and she would call her mom and her mom would meet us there) Kelton and I put on our shoes and out the door the three of us went.

We signed in and they took us back to monitor her vitals. After the nurse finished checking her over we returned to the waiting room to wait for the Urgent Care docs to arrive. Finally, we were ushered back and Kaylen was checked out again. I was questioned in depth about how she fell, how she landed, did she scream at all first before passing out, did her body shake before she collapsed, did her eyes move rapidly side to side or stay locked in one position (which would mean seizure), etc. It was exhausting to go over every detail I could remember (and hard to realize I honestly didn't know because I was too freaked out to remember).

Again, we were reassured that babies are incredibly flexible and that she was acting appropriate for her age. PHEW!

We were discharged with the basic instructions for concussion and told to report to the local Children's ER room immediately if she started showing signs on the warning sheet.

Gratefully, we bundled up our daughter and came home. Thankful beyond words that she is healthy and alive.

I will never, ever, ever - not in a million years, forget what her face looked like, what her body felt like or the complete and utter terror I felt when I thought she was dying in my arms. Tonight, while I was nursing her to sleep, I sat rocking her....and crying. And after she had fallen asleep, I held her tight in my arms for a long time, tears still streaming down my face, grateful for my beautiful baby girl.