Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Yowsa - this is much longer than I thought......

There are five hundred million other things I should be doing right now. My To Do list for the day is only half done (with a few more things added in increase the stress level) and there are a bunch of things that I would like to get to sometime before the prince and princess go off to college....like starting a handwritten journal for them. I have a file of letters I have typed to them while they were inside me (and the prince has a few more pages of misc. stuff from his first two years) but I heard someone say once that she handwrites things because she cherishes the only handwritten thing she has from her mom...a check she wrote years and years ago. I thought that was sad....that all she had to remind her of her moms writing was a voided check. I want to leave my kids more than that. I want to write journals for them to document the life we share - all the things we do, the cute things they say - all those moments that happen once and then are soon forgotten.

The princess will do something that will remind me of something the prince did when he was her age and suddenly it will dawn on my that I had forgotten all about it until that very moment. It's sad to me that I have forgotten so much. I don't want to be the mom who says to her grown child "Oh honey - I don't remember. That was a long time ago." I think it's important to give our children the gift of our memory.

I'm not sure where this is coming from - maybe because I read a friend's blog tonight about her mom not being there and the fact that she is really needing her mom at this point in her life (as well as every other point, I'm sure). It makes me sad to know she is hurting and it also makes me worry that someday it might be my little ones that are hurting this way. No one should be without a mom...some of us have moms still on the earth but who, for one reason or another aren't able (or don't want) to be there.

Technically, my mom is still on the earth. It's also true for my dad. The kicker though is they aren't the parents I used to have and sometimes I long for something I'm not even sure I would have ever had. My parents are living in an assisted living facility. My dad had a serious stroke about 12 years ago that left him very child-like - he doesn't resemble in any way, shape or form my father. He is a shell of the father I knew. He doesn't even sound the same - a stroke like his affects every thing, even his voice. My mom has a progressive neuro-muscular disease called Primary Lateral Sclerosis (PLS) which is very similar to ALS or Lou Gehrig's Disease. So can no longer walk unassisted, her writing is getting harder and harder to decipher and she seems to have lost the ability to think of anything but herself. She hasn't been available to me for more years than I can count. It's only been in the past year that we have a name to give her condition. Trying to have a conversation with her is like trying to herd cats...it just can't be done. It's frustrating and infuriating at the same time.

Here's an example of what it's like to deal with her. The princess was born and then admitted immediately to the NICU for breathing issues. It was a terrifying time. I called my mom to let her know the baby had been born and what was happening. She seemed stuck on trying to get the name and weight and didn't seem to register the rest of the conversation. I was so frustrated and angry. I finally got her to understand the baby was sick....and that was the last I heard from her for 16 days. SIXTEEN DAYS!!! It's hard to have parents and yet, not have parents. Harder still because they are only 66 years old. I might expect this from someone in their 80's or 90's but not in their 60's.

I seem to be on a rant. Wild. Sometimes this stuff just comes pouring out of me. I know that life isn't fair and I know everyone has pain and their own private hells to face and yet - I still don't cope with it well.

This entry was supposed to be about my day and the kids and what life was like today and I guess, in a way, it was. I'm feeling very conflicted about things - life feels out of control and I wish I could pinpoint why.

The prince and princess are tucked in so I should end this and get back to straightening up the house for playgroup tomorrow. Clearly the vacuuming isn't going to get done. :)

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Ahhh Casey, your post made me cry. You are such a talented writer. I can relate to so much of what you said. keeping up with my journals for the kids hasn't been easy - but I so wish I had something like that from my mom (who died when I was 15). I'll see you tomorrow at play group! We'll relax and watch the kids play!

Estelle said...

A voided check... I can understand why she cherishes it. I would too. I have a pictures of beagles. Real, painted beagles. She painted it. On the back it says "(insert legal first name here), with all the love in my heart. PS, I gotta have love for daddy too." the kicker is the way she signed it. "Momma (dawn)" Like she knew she would forever be known as Dawn, and not momma.
You are an excellent mother. You know you are. And since you apparently want to adopt me, chop chop woman!
I am sorry about your parents. I cannot imagine. Your own private hell. I know when my grandpa, whom I adored beyond anything else on the planet, was so very sick and not "here" anymore, I kissed him good bye one night and said "Grandpa, please die" and the next day he did. I felt guilty for a while, but I realized that, maybe I had just given him permission.
You'll get those journals written. If nothing else you can type it all now and hand write it when they're a little less dependent on you.
E