Well....I'm not so very proud of this but I'm already ticked off about D's school stuff. This was supposed to be our last weekend without her needing to go off to study most of the weekend but noooooooooo.....she told me they are being given homework for the weekend in *all* their classes. Crap. Double crap.
I'll let you in on a little secret; I don't do change well. I'm a Type A personality struggling to deal with the constant changes being a parent brings and now I have the incredible inconsistency of homework, class schedules, etc. to deal with. When I am told something - I count on it. I schedule. I plan. I don't do well with changes in the agenda.
This sucks. This isn't what I wanted for the weekend. I wasn't prepared. Let me say one more time: I didn't sign up for this!!!
I know, I know - I'm freaking out for probably no good reason. Everything will probably be just fine. I'm probably making a mountain out of a mole hill. Yeah - probably. Or maybe not. I hate living in the great unknown. I don't do well. I feel like I'm on a slippery slope and I'm about to fall. There's nothing to grab onto. I hate feeling like this.
I have a way to tell when I'm feeling out of control...I close my eyes and if I see myself spinning in circles I know that no matter how brave I appear on the outside, I'm falling apart on the inside. Guess what? I'm spinning so fast I think I may throw up.
Oh - and E? It's actually four years, not three. (This is in reference to the comment you posted on my earlier entry) The prince will be 7.5 years and the princess will be 4.5 years.....and I'll have raised them almost entirely on my own.
I don't want to do this. I really don't.
Not that it matters.
I'm just tired....I'm sure in a few weeks everything will be fine. Yeah - that's it. That's what I'll try to convince myself of. *deep heavy sigh*
Oh....and I have to say, I'm a bit resentful about how excited she is. And I'm not really a fan of hearing all about the new friends she is making. Sheeesh - I feel like a witch.
2 comments:
Casey, baby...
You make me want to cry. It's okay. I know you are freaking out, and I have no way of really knowing how you are feeling, but you WILL be okay.
You are NOT raising those kids on your own. She's still there. She'll still be home for the important stuff. She'll still come running if you need her.
You don't do change well, I hear you... but you know that this is hardly the biggest change that will ever occur in your life.
She's making a career change at 40 (well, 39, but forty sounded better) with a wife and two small kids at home. It's bound to be tough on all of you, including her. But, even though you think right now she is doing this for *her*, she really is doing it for your family. Deep down you know that. Four years of sacrifice will hopefully mean that you'll live comfortably from then on. You'll be able to afford everything the kids need, you'll be able to take vacations (like to FLORIDA!), you won't have to worry so much about money.
I've thought many times of going back to school (for what I have no clue) and have always decided not to do it because I don't want Jeannie to feel the way you are feeling right now. I really want to go back to school, so much that it hurts sometimes, but I have decided not to, at least for now. So I do know (maybe) how hard a choice it must have been for D.
Your world is always gonna spin sweetheart. I personally think it would be pretty cool to close my eyes and spin around :)
Deep breaths sweetie. Drop the kids off with someone and go do something by yourself. Decompress.
And she can devote some time to you this weekend. Make her. She can devote time to you and the kids every weekend. Let her know that you need her.
And sweetheart, you need to get laid. There. I said it.
I'm here (3714 miles away, but hey, it'll do) if you need anything.
I wonder, have you thought about what you want to do with your life, where you want to be? Maybe if you can visualize that and see how you can get to that place, then it will be easier for these 4 yeas while D is getting to her place.
Huge hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Post a Comment