I'm in a funk. Nothing specific, everything in general. I really don't enjoy days when I feel like this; every negative emotion, feeling and word I direct towards myself. It doesn't help ease the feeling of funk. It does the exact opposite.
I don't know why I feel this way. I catch bits and pieces of the crap flying around my head: summer is almost over, Kaylen's patching and how soul sucking a process it is for both her and I, yard work that needs to be done but for which I have zero motivation to do (in my dream yard, I have fence to fence grass and no gardens whatsoever. I am not a dirt loving girl and I don't get the love of gardening. Not at all. Mowing the yard and watering it? That I can handle.), job searching, worrying about what to do about the kids when I finally do land a job, how it will change all of us, how to fit everything in that needs to be fit in while doing it on my own, bills, animals, car repair bills and medical bills....how I need to get up north to meet my new niece but how there is no money for two tanks of gas and I need to figure out where the kids and I can stay for an overnight visit considering I'd rather go mid-week than weekends (which are at an all time premium right now. It's amazing how fast time goes when you live in every other week increments).....just everything. How it will all come together. *When* it will all come together.
It's overwhelming. Four weeks to the start of the new school year. Supplies to purchase, clothes and shoes to make sure they have. Time, precious time with my kids, slipping away hour by hour.
Kelton, starting fourth grade. Kaylen heading into first.
As exhausted and overcome with "all things baby" that my brother and sister-in-law are right now, I envy them. The days and weeks and months when a small person dictates your every moment feels like bliss from where I am sitting. The needs of that tiny person consumes you so much that all other thoughts are squeezed out of your head.
I could use that; thoughts squeezed from my head.
So last night I tried to do just that. After dinner was cleaned up, I loaded the kids into the car, along with a package of hot dog buns days away from going bad, and took us all over to the duck pond to feed the ducks and walk around the park. I grabbed my camera, hopeful to catch a couple good shots of my small people. Hoping to freeze time for just a little bit.
I wish I could freeze it for forever.