Coffee, Anyone?

I couldn't sleep. Well...I did sleep until about 3AM and then I was awake.  Finally, at six, I decided to just get up and take a shower.  Then I snuck into Kaylen's room, turned off her dreaded alarm clock and woke her up.  Since she is usually the first one up, she was a bit surprised to see me there but happy that she didn't have to wake to her alarm.

Her school has an ungodly start time.  First bell is at 7:45am which means we leave the house at 7:30am to get her there in time.  I can't say I will miss this early wake time next year when she starts middle school.

Middle school.  Wow.  She seems too little to me for middle school.  *sigh*  I guess time waits for no one.

Shannon said something interesting yesterday in a comment.  She said she missed hearing my voice.  I guess I'm confused.  What does that mean?  Mostly, I'm just sitting here rambling...which is also mostly what I do on Facebook.  Just curious.

The house is still so quiet.  I can hear various animals wandering around, Kaylen eating, the hum of the fridge, and the bubbling of the fish tank.  Oh - and an annoying tick tick tick of Kelton's clock behind me at "his" computer set up.

I'm stuck.  I have nothing else to say right now.  Guess I will go sit with my iPad and check TimeHop, Instagram, and then Facebook.  Seems like I have a long day stretched out in front of me.

Don't Just Read the First One

Keep scrolling.  I think I wrote three yesterday and two today.  :)

Seriously?

I was just looking at my blog.  Did I really not post a single blog post in all of 2014?  How did that happen?  Heaven knows I had a million things to blog about.  Maybe that was the year that was hush hush in all that was going on.  You know - protect the "family unit" at all costs?  Weird.  No wonder I felt so crazy.

I mostly do all online things on my iPad these days (No, I didn't strike it rich.  I call it a parting gift from my father.) and blogging, while possible, is more difficult from the iPad.  Though to be completely honest, I'm having trouble with this basic keyboard for the desk top.  It doesn't auto correct my spelling and it doesn't put in the apostrophe and spell check....HA!  (Not that I'm an awesome spell checker or proof reader in the first place.)  Not to mention sitting in the desk chair is quite painful and I can't do it for long before I feel like I need to jump out of it.  The couch is more comfy and I am able to adjust pillows and blankets to ease the pain of my back.

Speaking of pain (nice segue, Case!), Dakota sold our family home last week.  I cannot begin to tell you how incredibly sad it makes me.  Maybe in the back  of my mind I always thought I'd move back there.  Maybe.  Possibly.  Probably.  But now?  I will never again step over the threshold. Never again call it home.  I miss it. More than I should probably.  Six years down the road and maybe, possibly, I'm still in denial.

I'm sure if I were truly happy, I wouldn't be.  Oh but that's a story (and a long one at that) for another day.

I just don't know how she could have sold that house.  Emotionally speaking.  We bought it from her mom, we raised our babies there (okay, mostly I raised our babies there).  I remember one of the last times I was in the house.....it was empty but I laid on the living room carpet and just listened.  I could hear faint echos of the laughter of my babies.  Faint crying but mostly the joy and the happiness that the house held.  Leaving that house for the last time took all I had in me.  And now, for forever, that house is just part of a long closed chapter.  You know what though?  Before chapters get closed...it should be a mutual decision.  I didn't want that chapter closed.  If I were truthful (which why not, right?) I still don't want that chapter closed.

Sometimes I wonder how it feels for her....looking backwards.  Is there a place in the timeline that should would go back to and try to do differently?  Knowing what she knows now....would she change it?

It's too late.  Too much water under the bridge. Time moved forward and all that so it wouldn't do me any good to know the answer.  Besides...whatever the answer would be would most likely kill me.  Either way.  So......I will just have to wonder.  And visit my old life in my dreams.  Which, yes, I do.

Wednesday

My plan is to blog a bit every morning while I have my cup of coffee.  We w ill see how that goes.  :)

I have the kids all off to various schools...all driven today, courtesy of me.  I always drive Kaylen (otherwise I'm pretty sure I wouldn't get her out the door.  School is not her favorite this year.  She had the best ever teacher last year and there is no way she will ever top that again (you know, we all have that ONE teacher?)  Her's was Mrs. Fern and Mrs. Fern adored Kaylen right back.  This year, one of her teachers is awesome while the other one, she just doesn't connect with.) and today Kelton had to turn in his big National History Day project which is hard to handle on the bus, plus it's pouring rain today.  And well...the high school is just a few blocks further so I took Andrew as well,

And back home I came in the down pour.  I'm hoping that my grandmother's line of "rain before seven stops by eleven" is true.  The cold and damp are a brutal double downer for me.

I was reading through Facebook posts of mine a day or so ago and I realized something:  I'm pretty funny.  I guess I don't see it in the day to day because mostly I see it as sarcastic but reading back, I couldn't help but laugh.  No wonder everyone has always told me I should write a book.  I've wanted to but God help me, I have no idea what to write about.  People say "Your life" I say "What's so awesome and cool about THAT?"  Nothing.  So here I sit.  :)  Though for reals?  If someone approached me (again) and help guide the process, I'd be all over it.  (and I say again because I did write a chapter in a parenting book a few years back.  I have no clue if it was ever really published though.)

Want to know something funny?  Kaylen writes almost identical to me.  I see notes lying around the computer area and I think "What is that?  I don't remember leaving a post it there......oh wait...I don't play Mine Craft so clearly I didn't write that."  It's surreal.  Maybe someday I will leave her some cryptic note and then play all innocent when she is puzzling over what it means.  Hee hee.

Speaking of Mine Craft.....whoa.  I wish I was in on the design team for that one.  They have to be sitting pretty.  I have never heard of a more popular game.  Angry Birds was big or a while but Mine Craft has staying power.  All three play it.  They can play with friends who are playing from their homes.  Technology is so crazy wild.  When I started this blog, I had a flip phone and no clue about texting.  How far we have come.

My coffee is almost gone.  You know what that means?  And no.....unlike in years gone by, it doesn't mean pour another one.  I've cut waaaaaaaay back on caffeine.  I can actually go weeks without a cup of coffee and then I will have one.  It's weak enough that it doesn't jack me up, which is good because that is one feeling I can't stand.

I will leave you with this:  in a quiet house, the pump on the fish tank can make it seem like a radio is on.  Or a device is doing *something*.  It's kind of freaky.  You know.....just sayin'  :)

Friends of Time Gone By

The coolest thing happened the other day.  I received a friends request on Facebook from someone I used to be incredible close to.  I have been thinking of her for a while now but the shock of seeing her name was undeniable.  I confess I have stalked her blog every now and again and sometimes her comments or her photo would pop into mutual friends news feeds.

I admit.  I hesitated before hitting the confirm button.  There was so much hurtful drama that surrounded our parting and unfriending.  The same hurtful drama that caused me to lose so many of the people I had called friends for so many years.  Years have passed.  What?  Five?  Six?  Closer to five, I'd say.  I'm not sure of the exact chain of events anymore (time, pain, etc have dulled and blurred memories) but it felt like one day I had a big group of friends and the next....none.  Anyway - the specifics aren't important anymore.  I'm going to guess that things worked themselves out in whatever manner they were meant to.  I, for one, found myself busy with Crestline PTO and the friends I mad there.

Anyway.....opening the door and letting this friend back into my life kind of shook me up.  It makes me wonder about the other people of that time.  Where are they now?  In the back of my mind, they have all stayed in exactly the same place.  The same houses.  The same number of kids.  The same groups getting together for this, that, or the other thing.  Only....that isn't true.  I found out that two people I had kept neatly placed in their houses with their children have moved far away.  Others have had more kids, gone back to work, sold their homes and moved.  I don't know why I'm surprised because MY life certainly looks nothing like it did back then.

Those people.  Those friends from long ago.  I wonder if they think about me.  I wonder what they think if they do.  (And if it's mean and nasty, I really don't want to know.)  I wonder if they wish it had all happened in a different way as well.

And here's a head scratcher for you: if someone who was a friend for a long time on FB unfriends you and then, months later, starts to follow you on Instagram: what does that mean?



I'm sitting here staring at the blinking cursor.  I don't know what else to say.  As I posted on Facebook last night, my head is swirling with so much but the words are hard to find.  It's weird.  It's like I don't trust myself anymore.  Or maybe it's that I don't trust people anymore.  Who is for me.  Who is against?  And I'm 51 so does it really matter?  Yes.  It does.  I wish I could say it doesn't.  But it does.

Technology.  A tool created and sold to us under the guise of keeping us all connected is really a tool to take away being connected to people.  People will read this and they will either choose to leave a comment, or they won't.  I won't know who just read the crap I let flow through the keyboard.  Probably not many since I have been MIA so often.  But it's hard.  This blog was filled with all things kid related and now?  I don't have those cute stories to share.  Or cute photos.  I'm lucky to get a photo that is usable of Kelton these days.

Eh.  Anyway.  It is what it is, right?  The only way out is through and all that happy jazz.

Onward we go.  Ever onward we go.  Even when I don't want to.

Just Wondering...

...Who am I these days?

I seriously have no answer for that question.

When the kids were little, I know who I was and how I fit into the world but now that they are growing older, I know less and less of who I am.

In 9 months, the same amount of time it took to make each of them, Kelton will be in high school and Kaylen will be in middle school.  How in the heck?!?!?  I mean seriously......HOW did so much time pass by.  I still feel like I should have toddlers running around causing chaos, chubby little arms wrapped around my neck, play dates, outings, parks, after dinner kitchen dance parties, plastic plates neatly divided into compartments so I (someone who could life her whole life without cooking or making another meal...I mean....HELLO?  When I was little we were supposed to be living like the Jetson's now.  Push a button.....hot meal delivered.  Push another button, a capsule filled with all you needed to eat right) could make sure they each got their food groups.

TV shows like Blue's Clues, Dora, Max and Ruby, The Wiggles used to be the soundtrack of my life.  Now?  Now it's silence.  Uncomfortable silence at times, comfortable at others.  I'm ok with silence...it's just that I have to wonder.  Is this it?  Is this all there is after all those years of being THE one that two little people counted on twenty fours hours a day?  Do they just grow up and leave me behind?

Yes...I know that's what they are supposed to do.  It's what I've been teaching them to do since the day they first rolled over, or crawled.  Definitely by the time they were walking.  The goal is raising healthy, happy, productive members of society and I am doing that.  But.......it leaves me lost.  I don't like it.

The hormones.  Oh deal heavens let talk about the hormones.  Push pull and push again.  They need me, they hate me, they want me, they want me to leave them alone.  Except when they are hungry (and that takes us right back up to the second paragraph.)  Except when they need something or want something from me.

Kelton towers over me.  Like...for real. He is a good 5 inches taller than me. I promise you, I never REALLY thought I would have to look up at my child/  But boy oh boy does he like being taller.  Never a day goes by that he doesn't call me "Little Mama" or say "You are SO short!" to me.  Kaylen, thank goodness, still has a couple inches to go before she is as tall as me.  But the child can wear my shoes (and has been complaining that my size 5.5 shoes are too small for her now).

It's all so strange.  In my mind I still see them as small but there is no denying that time is marching on.  Heck - one look at my gray hair will attest to that.  I guess it is a good thing that in my mind I still see myself as in my mid 20's.

My life.  So not what I ever thought it would be.  So it all still begs to question:  Who am I? And how on earth did I get this *this* place?

My Girl

Kaylen has been running fevers for weeks and weeks now.  Truth is, we are probably looking at months and  months now.  She has missed a lot of days of school so far this year (like.....18) because well.....when she gets ready for school and then collapses into a heap of tears, mommy tends to send her back to bed,  Or when she arrives at my bedside in the wee hours of the morning complaining of feeling awful, I tend to have her turn off her alarm.

I don't know about you, but when I feel awful and am running a fever, out in the world is the last place I want to be and acting like I'm fine is waaaaaay below the last thing I want to do.

All winter break, she ran fevers.  She missed the first two days after winter break.

*****interrupted because I had to go get her from school.  *sigh* *****

Anyway, I took her to the doctor on the second missed day because my mommy gut is going crazy.  Low grade fevers on a continuous basis are the hallmark of some really bad things.  The doctor is the same one we were with last winter when she had funky stuff going on, too.  Not really fevers then but tons of tummy problems and pains.  (Maybe she is just allergic to winter and we should move to Hawaii to live with my sister.  :) )
The doctor ran urine and blood tests, both of which came back fine.  Which is great... BUT...then what is causing these temps?  My friend suggested it could be hormonal.  It is something to think about, that's for sure.

It's just frustrating.  I don't want to baby her but I don't want her at school feeling like crap either.

I just don't know.

No words

I think about writing often and yet...there never seems to be words.

I'm working on finding my words again.

So much has changed me.  Maybe that's a good thing?  Since it feels like I wasn't "right" or "enough" before.  Or maybe it's because I had a sense of self.  Ideas on how I wanted my life to be but because they held no value to the person they should have been valued by, I gave up.  Clearly I don't know how this relationship thing works.

So here I am again.  Trying to make sense of things.  Scared to death of being who I am....or who I was.  I'm not sure who I am any more.  I remember feeling happy.  Many other feelings too, as a mom alone with two small ones but the days held joy.

It's rare a day holds joy.

What happened?  Did I really just give up on myself?

Nothing feels right.  Nothing feels like it's better.  There are moments, yes.....but so many moments of no.  I have no sense of who I am.  What I want.  What I'm capable of.  I don't see a future.

I used to see a future.  It was a good one.

My kids.  They make me happy.  They bring light into a room.  I'd be lost with them.

But it's weird.  I used to be so confident, strong, sure of who I was and how I moved in the world.

I feel like that has been beaten out of me somehow.  Not physically......but it's gone and in its place is so much fear, self doubt, insecurity.

Where is the girl who on a whim drove 12 hours from WA to CA to spend two days with someone they just met?  Where is the girl who wasn't afraid to speak to people?

I miss her.

Facebook

Do you all follow me on Facebook?  Just curious.

You can find me under Casey McCafferty Duncan-Johnson.

Some times.....

...I don't even know why I try.

And some days, I just want to stop trying.

Nothing I do it right...for anyone.

I constantly disappoint someone.

I get forgotten in the shuffle.

I don't feel special or important.

I'm a means to an end.  A ride to soccer.  A ride to friends.  A house cleaner.  An expected cook...which I fail at miserably because I hate to cook and never once pretended otherwise.

I'm not allowed to eat without comments of how I should cook for everyone.  And yet...rarely ever does anyone cook for me.  They just go get themselves food without asking if I would like some.  But God forbid if I do the same.

Food had become a battle ground.

My refusal to be a taxi driver at a moments notice inconveniences everyone.

Rarely does anyone ask how I am.

I paste on a fake smile and just keep moving.

I want someone to go out to of their way for ME.

I want someone to be interested in what I have to say instead of the sighs and clear message that I am interrupting something they are doing.m something clearly more important than me.

I'm tired.  I feel defeated. Lost. Alone.

I wonder often what I would do if I won some sweepstakes and came into a lot of money. I entered the Publishers Clearing House sweepstakes.  I need the dream.  I need feel like I have possiblities.

Dreams.  Hope.

And right now...in this dark moment....I feel like I have nothing.

Wow

I have to say, your comments surprised me.  I had no idea my blog would still be in radars.  It seems like everyone had left blogging for the world of Facebook.  Thank you for commenting back.  What a nice thing to wake up to this morning.

I'm hoping to get back to blogging.  I opened up a new blog a while back but never got far with that one either.  I guess it's a case of not being sure what I can/should write about.

Blogging, over the years, have been the best thing and one of the worst things.  The worst of times was five years ago when I not only lost the relationship I thought I would have for the rest of my life, but also almost my entire circle of mom friends.  It's been lonely, that's for sure.

I'm 50 now.  Kelton just turned 13 and Kaylen is 10.  My life looks absolutely nothing like I thought it would, all those years ago when I dreamed of children and family.  I think it's fair to say that. Out everyone, when looking back over time, sees the times gone by as "better days" or "happier times" and Im trying to wrap my head around whether that is true (because those early childhood years didn't feel easy at the time but they feel like they would be a piece of cake from where I sit now) or whether it's all just perspective.

Some days It's long to have a button to rewind to the beginning and start again.  Maybe taking the knowledge I have today with me...but maybe not.  Blissfully ignorant might be best.  

There was a time I believed in happily ever after.  I don't believe in it now but that leaves me wondering what I DO believe in.  Clearly the universe has made it clear over the years that my definition of happily ever after isn't a very popular one.  

I don't know,  as you can see......I don't know much of anything right now.

Thanks for still being there.

After the Happily Ever After

My life.....it is nothing like I dreamed it would be all those years ago when I was bright eyed and looking at walking down the aisle (the first time).  Where am I now?  I'm not sure.

What does a midlife crisis feel like?

What happened to the friends I used to have?

What happened to my tiny children who are now almost, or taller, than me already?

What happened to happily ever after?

What happened to all the dreams?

What happened to me?

What in the world happened to me?  

First Day of School 2013-2014

It's that time of year - time for the kids to head back to school. They returned to classes yesterday and they all had a good day. :) Andrew wasn't with us for the first day so we had him pose for one the evening before. Hard to believe there is an 8th grader, a sixth grader, and a third grader in the house.
Here's hoping everyone has a great year! (For some reason, it isn't letting me upload Andrew's photo. I even tried a seperate post. I'm sure he will be just as happy since he seems to have a ting about having his photo taken. :) Though with all these format changes within blogger, I have a hard time keeping up with how to do things. Proof positive that I don't blog enough anymore. :))

Ugh.

For some weird reason, blogger isn't allowing me to compose posts in the Compose function and it isn't taking my

for paragraphs. SO FRUSTRATING! Keep in mind, as you read through todays postings that I do indeed know how to write properly. Spell check? Not so great of a skill and in the HTML page of blogger, it doesn't allow for spell check. Lovely. I most likely need to update the browser but the truth is, this CPU is such a dinosaur that it just needs to be replaced with updated everything. And since I am not a tech wiz, this is the best I have right now. Mostly the kids just use it to play games on anyway. The same is true for my laptop. If anything, I would probably opt to buy a new laptop for me. Updated everything and fast. A girl can dream.

Ecomony Ramblings

Hey - have you heard? The economy is starting to turn around. Houses are starting to sell....though at a lower than 2007 price by far. I see more and more signs for Help Wanted and I see fewer and fewer Bank Owned signs in front of houses.
It's about time. So many people had to file bankruptcy in the past five years that there is a real need for articles on post bankruptcy. Personally, I can't imagine the heartache involved in filing. And thankfully, I don't have to. Knock on wood. Could it be that the scary financial times are finally easing up? Oh how I hope so. And keep reading....I've posted lots of things today. :) I've had to do something to keep me in close contact with Kaylen and her friend (see previous post).

Short Medical Update

I FINALLY was referred to see a pain interventionalist and had my appointment last week. It was eye opening. First the good news, she believes I have been undermedicated and that my pain is not well controlled. She added another pain pill as needed each day which means I can now take up to three pills a day as needed. This is a HUGE relief because juggling two was hard. I had to try to figure out if I hurt bad enough or if I should wait for it to get worse before taking one. Thankfully, it's a pretty basic drug and I have adjusted to it since starting it in January so it doesn't impair me as much as it used to. Still, driving needs to be factored in around taking it because there is NO WAY I'm driving my children around if there is even the smallest chance of me being impaired in any way. It's a risk I just won't take. Luckily, it's been doable. If I already have meds on board, like when Kaylen needed to go to the ER, Stephanie will drive. Second, the not so good news. I have been diagnoised with fibromyalgia because I exhibit too many "hot spots" that trigger pain. I did a double take at the secondary diagnosis, and I would be lying if I told you tears didn't come to my eyes, but once I did some research, I discovered that many syringomyelia patients are double DX'd with fibro because the symptoms overlap. In a way, this is good because fibro has been diagnosable (yeah - I made that word up)much longer than the knoweldge of SM and pain is the primary concern of both conditions. The excellent news is that my pain doc is going to take my scans to a local conference that is held with all different types of providers so that she can get some more input on how to help me. The best thing is, she didn't give me a laundry list of what I can't do. She told me I was in charge of how much I did on any given day and that I don't have to feel like I cant do something - I just maybe can't do it THAT day. I love that affirmation because that is how I have been living my life but now I no longer have to feel guilty. If the syrinx grows, it grows. I still get to have a quality life. Take THAT syringomyelia! :)

Wedding Ramblings

Our wedding is in less than three months. While we have done a lot of things, there is still plenty to do. I'm nervous about the whole thing and would be just as happy to have a small, private ceremony at the court house but Stephanie really wants the whole sha-bang. I can understand completely but understanding doesn't help my anxiety level. The wedding isn't where it is for me....for me, I just want to be married to my love. The wedding is one day. The marriage, I pray, is forever. One things we still need to do is find rings we like. We want them to go with our current rings but not be too big. I don't like big, show-off type rings. I'm more low key than that and thankfully, so is Stephanie. I have looked at some designs of wedding rings online and have a good idea of what we are looking for. We just need to do it. Three months isn't that far away. The six months between when she proposed and now have flown by.

Poor, poor Kaylen

Earlier today, the kids were making their lunches. Andrew cooked his hotdogs in the microwave and Kelton was second in line to do his. Then he decided he also wanted to have the left over chicken strips. He started to put them in the microwave and Kalyen just about lost her mind. She wanted her turn first! She came screaming to me and cried out all her issues about what was taking place. I listened. Then she screamed this: "I HATE KELTON! HE RUINED MY LIFE!" I calmly stated, "You were born second." I tell you, if I didn't have my witty sense of humor, I would go insane. :)

Time Flies

Well now...for all my talk about posting more often in the new year, I sure have failed. It's August now and I have posted what? A handful of times? I could apologize but what's the use? Ever since Facebook came along, blogging has taken a back seat. Facebook is just so easy. A few sentences and I've updated everyone about everything. A blog post means I have to sit down and think. Plus, my iPad and phone deal with all the capilatization for me. Though honestly, I do miss a regular keyboard. Ah - such is life in the first world. :) The summer has flown by. The kids went on a trip of a lifetime with Dakota and Vicki and I have to admit, I'm a bit envious of their time in Washington DC and Virginia. NOT envious of the humidity they endured but the thing is, the kids never said a word about it. I only heard that miserable detail from Dakota. I'm glad I didn't have to deqal with higher humidity than we have right here at home. It is miserable enough for me. And good heavens do I miss my entire house a/c. The window units at both ends of the house help but it is SO not the same. Some day, maybe. But I digress. What else is new, right? Washingto DC. The kids LOVED their trip there, which I think is awesome. I'm not sure if they say anything like a 2012 silver eagle but one never really knows. I sent cameras with them but so far, the shots I've seen are all picures of things - none with them. Dakota is putting together a book of photos for them so at least I will be able to see that. Another sucky thing about being divorced. Missing out on sharing memories with the kids.

Still around

Yep.  I'm really still around.  My sister has accused me of having a boring blog.  While that might, in fact, be true, my life is anything but.

I feel like I have been in crisis mode since mid-December.  It is one thing after another.  Some good, some not.  You know, the regular ol' "that's life" thing.

December was the Newtown shooting which flipped me on my head.  I have an inherent fear of having my kids away from me to start with and it had taken me years to be ok with sending them to school.  December also brought some personal issues that rocked the boat as well.

January, after living for months in sever pain, I went to my doc for help.  That brought me to the MRI's and the neurologist visits and eventually landed me with a minimal pain control plan.  Some days it helps, most days it doesn't.  But that is life with syringomyelia.

January also brought about some behavioral changes in Kelton.  I worked hard to try to figure things out.  I worked hard to keep peace in the house because he could (and can) be very challenging.  He always has been but before it was only really me it impacted.  Dakota wasn't around much starting when Kelton was just over three years old.  I can deal with his "quirkiness".  Not many others can.  So that, as you can imagine, put me in a tough spot.

February 3rd Crestline burned to the ground.  I handled the first two weeks without thinking too much. I moved into action and I did what I could to help.  It helped me to help.  Without sounding like a big time whiner though I will say that I think I have some sort of PTSD from the Crestline fire.  Things started building up, emotionally, for me.  I felt like I was losing my ability to cope.

Good things happened in there, too.  Lots of good things.  It wasn't all doom and gloom but when it was tough, it was really, really tough.

February 25th, Stephanie proposed to me.  She had proposed to me earliermin our relationship and we bought rings but this time it was "It's time.  Will you set a date and marry me?" That was a super duper good thing.  Along with that though came the stress of picking a date, finding a venue, planning.  Good stress but stress non the less.

March came along and I was treading water and dealing with Kelton who was starting to spiral on me with his behavior.  I was at my wits end trying to figure out what was happening with him and keeping a sense of peace in the house.

April was Kelton's 11th birthday and we had a party here with some of his friends.  It went well but what preceded was Kelton needing to "come out" about his family, which he had chosen to keep quiet at school.  At Crestline, everyone knew about him having two moms.....no big deal.  But at Hockinson, no one in his class knew.  So he had to tell his friends which was hard for him but it was well received. The party and the stress of the huge coming out was difficult on me and I was sinking a bit further.

Kelton's had his well child visit and a new growth on his back was a topic of concern.  I requested a referral to dermatology.  We went to that appointment and had it removed and sent for biopsy.  It came back as skin cancer and after weeks of waiting, a second lab confirmed clear margins.  In August we go back in to have a full body scan.

In May, Kelton's behavior reached a crisis point for me.  I couldn't deal with it anymore and finally talked with Dakota about getting him into counseling.  She got the approval and I made the appointment.  After two sessions, she had us do the evaluation for ADHD.  It came back with a moderately high score.  Which meant going to Kaiser and starting the paperwork with them.  We talked with the PA on the initial visit and Kelton decided that he would like to look into naturopathic medicine instead of rushing into western medicine.  All four adults were on board because none of us want him on meds if we can avoid it.

In May, after a LOT of thought and tears, I went to the doctor and was put on anti-depressants with a strong anti-anxiety component. 

Also in May, Kelton tested into the gifted program and will be starting Middle School in the Explore program for highly capable kids.

June brought the end of the school year.  And chaos in the house.  The summer feels like a test to see if I can keep my sanity.  I love my kids, I love having them around, but I will tell you, the three of them can drive me to the brink.  I am trying to maintain a schedule but.....some days are good, some days aren't.

Today Kelton saw the naturopath.  For the first year ever, Kelton didn't take lunch from home to school.  He got hot lunch, and elected to have school breakfast every single day.  Today I learned school lunches are loaded with sugar.  Kelton is sugar sensitive.  Always has been.  The thought is Kelton's brain is on sugar overload.  So the treatment plans consists of better food and packed school lunches.  Kelton, to my surprise, was on board and asked to go food shopping immediately following the appointment.  For lunch today he had hummus, pita bread, and a red pepper.  For snack he had whole grain bread with almond butter.  I am glad to see his willingness to eat better.  I am worried about how all this "healthier" food is going to impact my budget.  A small jar of almond butter at Fred Meyer was $10!  Yikes!!  Nuts and seeds are highly recommended for snacks.  Those suckers,while yummy and good for you, are pricey!  We buy some to have in hand but clearly I will need to increase the amount.

Yep...a dollar spent on this end saves two dollars on medical care down the road but ouch!  And then there is needing to transition everyone..including my reluctant eater, Kaylen.

Stress?  Yeah...I've got it.

So while the blog is boring, life is anything but.