Thursday, May 07, 2015

Some times.....

...I don't even know why I try.

And some days, I just want to stop trying.

Nothing I do it right...for anyone.

I constantly disappoint someone.

I get forgotten in the shuffle.

I don't feel special or important.

I'm a means to an end.  A ride to soccer.  A ride to friends.  A house cleaner.  An expected cook...which I fail at miserably because I hate to cook and never once pretended otherwise.

I'm not allowed to eat without comments of how I should cook for everyone.  And yet...rarely ever does anyone cook for me.  They just go get themselves food without asking if I would like some.  But God forbid if I do the same.

Food had become a battle ground.
My refusal to be a taxi driver at a moments notice inconveniences everyone.

Rarely does anyone ask how I am.

I paste on a fake smile and just keep moving.

I want someone to go out to of their way for ME.

I want someone to be interested in what I have to say instead of the sighs and clear message that I am interrupting something they are doing.m something clearly more important than me.

I'm tired.  I feel defeated. Lost. Alone.

I wonder often what I would do if I won some sweepstakes and came into a lot of money. I entered the Publishers Clearing House sweepstakes.  I need the dream.  I need feel like I have possiblities.

Dreams.  Hope.

And right this dark moment....I feel like I have nothing.


Stacey Bourgeois said...

I'm so sorry you're feeling unimportant and used. Have you sat down with them and explained how you feel? Maybe make a schedule for meal times so you aren't the only one cooking? Your kids and spouse are capable of helping out. If they are unwilling to try to work out a compromise, tell them that you will still go by a schedule and on those nights, you will only worry about your own dinner.

Audra said...

I know how you feel some days. What if you had a girls weekend and left the others to fend for themselves and see what it's like without mom?