Sunday, November 01, 2015

No words

I think about writing often and yet...there never seems to be words.

I'm working on finding my words again.
So much has changed me.  Maybe that's a good thing?  Since it feels like I wasn't "right" or "enough" before.  Or maybe it's because I had a sense of self.  Ideas on how I wanted my life to be but because they held no value to the person they should have been valued by, I gave up.  Clearly I don't know how this relationship thing works.

So here I am again.  Trying to make sense of things.  Scared to death of being who I am....or who I was.  I'm not sure who I am any more.  I remember feeling happy.  Many other feelings too, as a mom alone with two small ones but the days held joy.

It's rare a day holds joy.

What happened?  Did I really just give up on myself?

Nothing feels right.  Nothing feels like it's better.  There are moments, yes.....but so many moments of no.  I have no sense of who I am.  What I want.  What I'm capable of.  I don't see a future.

I used to see a future.  It was a good one.

My kids.  They make me happy.  They bring light into a room.  I'd be lost with them.

But it's weird.  I used to be so confident, strong, sure of who I was and how I moved in the world.

I feel like that has been beaten out of me somehow.  Not physically......but it's gone and in its place is so much fear, self doubt, insecurity.

Where is the girl who on a whim drove 12 hours from WA to CA to spend two days with someone they just met?  Where is the girl who wasn't afraid to speak to people?

I miss her.

5 comments:

Stacey Bourgeois said...

I'm sorry you're feeling this way and not feeling like you are yourself or appreciated. I don't know how it can change but I do know you need to speak up and make changes for yourself. Do things that make you happy.

Audra said...

I'm so sorry to hear this :(

D.M. G. said...

When life changes, and it does all of the time, it is scary to look around and see that you may not fit where you thought you would always be. The upside of that is that you get to fall in love with yourself all over again! She is an awesome Lady, take her out again and hear her stories, her fears, her joys. When you connect with yourself again, all of that other crap goes away.

Tanya said...

I hope in time you can find that person again.

Tanya said...

I hope you find that strong woman again.