No words

I think about writing often and yet...there never seems to be words.

I'm working on finding my words again.

So much has changed me.  Maybe that's a good thing?  Since it feels like I wasn't "right" or "enough" before.  Or maybe it's because I had a sense of self.  Ideas on how I wanted my life to be but because they held no value to the person they should have been valued by, I gave up.  Clearly I don't know how this relationship thing works.

So here I am again.  Trying to make sense of things.  Scared to death of being who I am....or who I was.  I'm not sure who I am any more.  I remember feeling happy.  Many other feelings too, as a mom alone with two small ones but the days held joy.

It's rare a day holds joy.

What happened?  Did I really just give up on myself?

Nothing feels right.  Nothing feels like it's better.  There are moments, yes.....but so many moments of no.  I have no sense of who I am.  What I want.  What I'm capable of.  I don't see a future.

I used to see a future.  It was a good one.

My kids.  They make me happy.  They bring light into a room.  I'd be lost with them.

But it's weird.  I used to be so confident, strong, sure of who I was and how I moved in the world.

I feel like that has been beaten out of me somehow.  Not physically......but it's gone and in its place is so much fear, self doubt, insecurity.

Where is the girl who on a whim drove 12 hours from WA to CA to spend two days with someone they just met?  Where is the girl who wasn't afraid to speak to people?

I miss her.