Seriously?

I was just looking at my blog.  Did I really not post a single blog post in all of 2014?  How did that happen?  Heaven knows I had a million things to blog about.  Maybe that was the year that was hush hush in all that was going on.  You know - protect the "family unit" at all costs?  Weird.  No wonder I felt so crazy.

I mostly do all online things on my iPad these days (No, I didn't strike it rich.  I call it a parting gift from my father.) and blogging, while possible, is more difficult from the iPad.  Though to be completely honest, I'm having trouble with this basic keyboard for the desk top.  It doesn't auto correct my spelling and it doesn't put in the apostrophe and spell check....HA!  (Not that I'm an awesome spell checker or proof reader in the first place.)  Not to mention sitting in the desk chair is quite painful and I can't do it for long before I feel like I need to jump out of it.  The couch is more comfy and I am able to adjust pillows and blankets to ease the pain of my back.

Speaking of pain (nice segue, Case!), Dakota sold our family home last week.  I cannot begin to tell you how incredibly sad it makes me.  Maybe in the back  of my mind I always thought I'd move back there.  Maybe.  Possibly.  Probably.  But now?  I will never again step over the threshold. Never again call it home.  I miss it. More than I should probably.  Six years down the road and maybe, possibly, I'm still in denial.

I'm sure if I were truly happy, I wouldn't be.  Oh but that's a story (and a long one at that) for another day.

I just don't know how she could have sold that house.  Emotionally speaking.  We bought it from her mom, we raised our babies there (okay, mostly I raised our babies there).  I remember one of the last times I was in the house.....it was empty but I laid on the living room carpet and just listened.  I could hear faint echos of the laughter of my babies.  Faint crying but mostly the joy and the happiness that the house held.  Leaving that house for the last time took all I had in me.  And now, for forever, that house is just part of a long closed chapter.  You know what though?  Before chapters get closed...it should be a mutual decision.  I didn't want that chapter closed.  If I were truthful (which why not, right?) I still don't want that chapter closed.

Sometimes I wonder how it feels for her....looking backwards.  Is there a place in the timeline that should would go back to and try to do differently?  Knowing what she knows now....would she change it?

It's too late.  Too much water under the bridge. Time moved forward and all that so it wouldn't do me any good to know the answer.  Besides...whatever the answer would be would most likely kill me.  Either way.  So......I will just have to wonder.  And visit my old life in my dreams.  Which, yes, I do.