Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Just Wondering...

...Who am I these days?

I seriously have no answer for that question.

When the kids were little, I know who I was and how I fit into the world but now that they are growing older, I know less and less of who I am.

In 9 months, the same amount of time it took to make each of them, Kelton will be in high school and Kaylen will be in middle school.  How in the heck?!?!?  I mean seriously......HOW did so much time pass by.  I still feel like I should have toddlers running around causing chaos, chubby little arms wrapped around my neck, play dates, outings, parks, after dinner kitchen dance parties, plastic plates neatly divided into compartments so I (someone who could life her whole life without cooking or making another meal...I mean....HELLO?  When I was little we were supposed to be living like the Jetson's now.  Push a button.....hot meal delivered.  Push another button, a capsule filled with all you needed to eat right) could make sure they each got their food groups.

TV shows like Blue's Clues, Dora, Max and Ruby, The Wiggles used to be the soundtrack of my life.  Now?  Now it's silence.  Uncomfortable silence at times, comfortable at others.  I'm ok with silence...it's just that I have to wonder.  Is this it?  Is this all there is after all those years of being THE one that two little people counted on twenty fours hours a day?  Do they just grow up and leave me behind?

Yes...I know that's what they are supposed to do.  It's what I've been teaching them to do since the day they first rolled over, or crawled.  Definitely by the time they were walking.  The goal is raising healthy, happy, productive members of society and I am doing that.  But.......it leaves me lost.  I don't like it.

The hormones.  Oh deal heavens let talk about the hormones.  Push pull and push again.  They need me, they hate me, they want me, they want me to leave them alone.  Except when they are hungry (and that takes us right back up to the second paragraph.)  Except when they need something or want something from me.

Kelton towers over me.  Like...for real. He is a good 5 inches taller than me. I promise you, I never REALLY thought I would have to look up at my child/  But boy oh boy does he like being taller.  Never a day goes by that he doesn't call me "Little Mama" or say "You are SO short!" to me.  Kaylen, thank goodness, still has a couple inches to go before she is as tall as me.  But the child can wear my shoes (and has been complaining that my size 5.5 shoes are too small for her now).

It's all so strange.  In my mind I still see them as small but there is no denying that time is marching on.  Heck - one look at my gray hair will attest to that.  I guess it is a good thing that in my mind I still see myself as in my mid 20's.

My life.  So not what I ever thought it would be.  So it all still begs to question:  Who am I? And how on earth did I get this *this* place?

1 comment:

Tanya said...

They will never leave you behind, don't worry. They will always need their mommy, it will just look different. AS they are changing and growing, you will need to change and grow as well, even when it's hard.