Sunday, February 21, 2010


Thanks to everyone who commented on yesterday's blog. I'm really thinking that, given time, things will even out. To say my life was turned upside down and inside out is putting is mildly and while there are some really good parts to my life now I find I am left with some pretty big "self esteem issues" to overcome. The self-talk needs to switch from "I am completely unlovable and not worth the trouble" to ...what? I guess to "I am enough and I am worth it.". I need to stop doubting everything I see and hear.....which I think is the biggest thing. My trust in what I thought was reality was shattered into a trillion little pieces over time and I imagine it will take time to find the balance. I want to trust because the alternative is driving me nuts. It's not who I want to be.

I loved the advice of breathing in with "I am" and out with "ok." I tried that in the middle of the night when I couldn't sleep and it seemed to help.

I'd love to tell you I feel better today. Well - and in some ways I do but it's sort of like walking a balance beam. I wobble to the right, wobble to the left and hopefully find my balance dead center for a while.

I want to be fine now. During the day it's easier to pretend that but at night? Not so much. Night is when my brain spins. Fake it until you make it and all that. attempt to get out of my own way I took the kids over to a nearby park and let them feed the ducks. They had a good time even though they left with more mud on them than I fear they left behind. :) It was nice to be out in the fresh air, walking the trails and feeling the sunshine warm me. Here are a few of the photos I took of the silly duo.


DC Mom said...

Wow, looks like you are having beautiful weather, so jealous. If you like things like that breathing exercise you might try the library for some meditation cds. Yoga is fantastic for anxiety, not sure about your back. Getting out in the sunshine and doing some walking can't be beat.

Hope things settle down a bit soon. I agree that tweaking your meds a bit might also help.


Jen said...

Those pictures are beautiful. Love the one of Kaylen up close.

You have been doing great. Sometime, you should make a written list of all the major challenges you've overcome. Your back pain, being basically a single mom while Dakota was in school, this... I am certain there's more. Make a list and use it to remind yourself of how strong you are. You *are* worth it!

You'll find your balance.

sally said...

Welcome back Casey. I know you are still working your way through, but look at all your faces!

Anonymous said...

Especially love the picture of Kaylen and the flower, the kids are getting so big!

Mimi said...

I agree my worst time was at night....when both of the kids were in bed and I was ALL alone just sitting there and your mind just goes wild! But trust me it will get better.. XXXOOO

Dakota said...

What beautiful children we have!! Things will get easier for both of us, we have to believe that!

Kristen said...

"I am enough and I am worth it."

Exactly! You are MORE than enough. You are totally worth it!