Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Questions and Answers and Learning Way More About Me Than You Ever Wanted

On my Moms To Babies listserve group today, I posed the questions "What do you think makes a good stay at home mom (SAHM)?" and "If you are a work outside the home mom (WOHM) and money wasn't an issue, would you want to stay home? Why or why not?"

This was in response to a thread I was watching unfold whereby people were saying that they were not stay at home material. By asking the questions I did, I think I was trying to figure out what people think it takes to be a good stay at home parent. Maybe I wanted to measure myself against the criteria of others - a reality check to be sure I was actually a good stay at home mom. I don't really know. I just kept reading things that said, in essence, "I need to work because I'm not SAH material." I just wanted to know others definition of "SAH material".

Someone responded with their input and then asked me if I thought I was a good stay at home mom and then asked me "If money weren't an object, would you
want to work outside the home?"

Here is my response:
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I'm happy to answer. Do I think I'm a good SAHM? Most days, yes. I think I'm a really good SAHM. I love being with my kids and doing things with them. I love reading stories and making up games. I love teaching them everything they know. I love knowing what they are doing each and every second of their day. I love having complete and absolute say over every aspect of their lives - from what they eat, watch on TV, the amount of fresh air they get to who they spend time with. I love knowing that my morals, beliefs and values are the ones they are in contact with 100% of the time during these incredibly informative years. I love that I am the one answering all their questions about everything (which I'm finding really important with Kelton right now since he has been asking about where babies come from, why men can't have babies, dying, war, etc).

Is being a SAHM what I thought it would be? No. It isn't. It is SO much harder than I ever dreamed. It is also the best thing I have ever done. When I look at the incredible human beings my babies are turning into I am in complete awe that I am the one who is hugely responsible for it.

As for working outside the home, I will honestly tell you that no, it is not what I want to be doing. I would not be good at it anymore because I would be too worried and too focused on my children being in the care of someone else. Now I know that isn't true for others and I certainly am NOT implying anything negative to anyone who isn't a SAH-Parent. I just know it's true for me. Outside of Dakota, there is absolutely no one on this earth that I would trust to care for my children. No one. Maybe that makes me a control freak but considering the things that happened in my life, things that I am determined not to let happen to my children, that is just how it is for me.

I think it's great when parents know they aren't meant to be at home fulltime with their kids, when they know they are better parents when they work at a paying job. Dakota, for instance, could never be a SAHM. Being with the kids for the limited amount of hours she is, is very challenging for her. She does not have the high level of patience that is required. She loves to play with them but gets very frustrated with the rest of it. She has an impossible time working in kid time (which is radically different than adult time) and I know (and she agrees) that she can't wait until Monday morning rolls around and she can escape to work. That said, she is still a good parent. We all do the best we can and we are all the best parents we can be.

Now all this being true, I know I am not a perfect SAHM. I have bad days when I question why we had kids and why I am at home with them. Not unlike the bad days at work when I questioned why I was there and why didn't I quit. I also know that I am less than the parent I want to be once dinner time rolls around. I'm tired, lonely and running very short on patience and still have hours and hours of solo parenting ahead of me (and I'm not sure I count Dakota coming home at 10:30pm and leaving at 5:30 the next morning as a stop-gap in the solo parenting part. Sure - she is there if Kelton wakes up at night but I'm still on all night with Kaylen.) . I didn't sign up to be a parent alone day in and day out so yeah, I get really frustrated that it often feels like I'm in this parenting thing alone way too much of the time. But life is what it is and I know it won't always be like this.

BUT...long (very long!) story short: Yes, I do feel like I am a good stay at home mom and there is nowhere else on earth I would rather be than with my kids day in and day out.
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So there you have it. I am exactly where I want to be and I think I'm a good stay at home mom. Even on the really hard days. :)

8 comments:

Patti_Cake said...

I said in the beginning that I wasn't cut out to be a SAHM but I think if money weren't an issue I would definitely be a SAHM. I miss so many "little things" but I have a good work schedule M-F and get off at 3:30 so i'm luckier than most.

Perrin said...

Well put Casey! Being a SAHM mom is the toughest job and I also think overall I do it pretty well. This is such a short time in our lives and I can make the sacrifices for now. It would be nice to have some more money but that will come later. Cheers for us!

Dakota said...

You do a great job for our kids, and for that, I am very grateful. You are right, I would have a VERY difficult time staying at home all day with the kids. There's too much going on in my mind all the time, things I want to do, for me to be satisfied devoting all my time and attention to the needs and time schedule of children. That said, I mostly LOVE the time we do have with them, and because my time with them is limited, I can really devote myself to them and to being a good parent. When I am with them, I am generally quite engaged. I now have what amounts to about 2 1/3 days a week with them. More than some, not as much as most, probably. It works for me, and as you say, it won't always be this way. I can't speak for all working parents, but I admit that I am too selfish to completely sacrifice myself as you do. Even though there is nothing truly more important than giving our kids a good foundation and raising them to be good people, I don't believe I would find it rewarding. I am so glad that you do and that you are doing what you always wanted to do - even if it is different than you thought it would be. Thank you!!! You Rock!
Love,
D

Brenda said...

So true Casey. I think all SAHM's can relate and agree with what you said. I have moments where I daydream about going back to work. Yet there is no place I'd rather be then with my kids. We're also lucky that financially we able too. :o)

One Boys Mom said...

SAHM = life's biggest blessing for Mom and the kids, ALSO the toughest job ever! (well right behind being s substitute teacher for 8th graders)

Casey said...

Patti_Cake: It does sound like you have a great schedule! Being home at 3:30 leaves plenty of fun-kid time. :)

Perrin: Thanks Perrin. :) You ARE a great mom. I've seen you in action.

Dakota: Thanks for the compliments. :) As I have always said, I am family focused and centered and you keep your focus out in the world - externally focused. I guess that is what gives us good balance.

Brenda: Very lucky. But it sure doesn't go without some big sacrafices financially. It's all worth it in the end though.

Declan'sMom: LOL!!! Add another kid to the mix - then I think you may find that room of 8th graders a breeze! :) I love what you said.

Lynilu said...

Good for you. You have one of the most challenging jobs in the world, and your children will benefit from it. When a mom must work, she must, and I don't think that should be a bad thing. It just is. But enjoy and be proud of your job.

Casey said...

Lynilu: Thank you very much! You have no idea how much I enjoyed reading that.