Wednesday, May 09, 2012

I Think I Figured It Out

I was sitting here, reading through years gone by on my blog when I clicked on April 2007.  Why yes...yes...there IS a reason I am feeling uncomfortable in my own skin.  Friday is the 5th anniversary of my mom's death.  This isn't news to me.  I know the date by heart.  Stephanie and I have talked about it being this Friday.  I guess I just hadn't consider it to be a contributing factor in how I am feeling today.

Five years.  Almost impossible to believe but then again, not impossible.  It's been a lifetime....and it was just yesterday.

I scrolled through the posts and was immediately transported back in time.  Kelton turned 5 years old the day the kids and I moved into a hotel north of Seattle for our 5 week stay.  Kaylen was just over 2 years.  Somehow, even today, those are the ages the kids are stuck at in my minds-eye.  I see them in the photos and I think "OH!  THERE you are!  Where have you been?"

I came across this video montage I made the week before the kids and I made the move up there for the long stay.  We had gone up to visit for Easter Weekend, we all (my brother, sister and I) knew the time was dwindling - we just didn't know how quickly.  It makes me sad to see my mom in these photos.  A shell of who she was but all too soon gone forever.  The one of Kelton, standing beside my mom (his cousin standing on the other side of her) brings instant tears.

My kids don't remember her at all.  Kelton has memories of the hotel, the wheelchair, being with my family...sketchy memories, at best, but he doesn't remember my mom at all.  It's sad to me.  I wonder often what life would have been like had she never been sick (she had a progressive neurological disease (PLS) )....if she had gotten to know my kids.  If they had gotten to know her.

I guess it makes complete sense that I'm feeling lost today. 

Five years.

That's the thing about life - it just keeps moving forward.

1 comment:

Shannon said...

These days are hard. On May 6, it was 17 years since my brother died. The anniversary dates do have a tremendous impact on us no matter how much time goes by. Thinking of you.

Also, I remember reading your blog when you were going through this and I just can't believe that much time has gone by and the kids have changed so much.