Dancing on the Edge

Long Evening

It's been a long, hard and emotional evening. One of our cats isn't doing well and Dakota and I agreed via phone tonight that it's time something is done. He is 16 years old - we can't expect him to rally many more times. I wanted to prepare Kelton (who just turned 4) because I know how much he loves Charlie. I expected a lot of questions and a few tears but what I got was all out hysteria.

We've talked about heaven lots and lots of times. My grandmother died when Kelton was 2 and while I know he doesn't remember it, we do still talk about it when he sees Grandma's photo. We talk about heaven all the time. We had a cat last year whom we sent to heaven when he was too sick to stay with us. He coped well with that. Not this time.

It was bad. It was ugly. It was heartbreaking on so many different levels. He even went so far as to say that if Charlie went to heaven then he wanted to go too because he never wanted to leave Charlie. I tried explaining. Over and over and over. Nothing worked - the hysteria got to a point I'd like never to see again. I know he's four. I know he is only four. I'm sure lots of people would just do what they felt needed to be done and deal with the child later but I'm not one of those people. My childhood dog was sick and while I was gone to youth group, they took her to the vet. I never knew they were doing it and I carry that with me to this day. I think it was cruel to do to me - I never said goodbye. I refuse to do that to my child.

We called Dakota, who is at school tonight. She knew what was happening at home so she made sure to answer her phone (she normally doesn't when she is in the library or class). She talked with him. He cried hysterically.

I talked with her and we agreed to hold off doing anything tomorrow (providing Charlie doesn't get worse between now and then) so that we can do some more prepping. I don't expect him to say "Oh ok - go ahead then." but I do hope we can get him to a place of acceptance that this is indeed the most loving thing we can do for Charlie and that it isn't nice, or right, to let him suffer and be in pain when we can help him.

I just want Kelton to understand that we aren't doing this to be cruel. That we love Charlie and want the best for him and, most importantly, that we wouldn't send him to heaven if he were to get sick. There has to be a gentle way to do this but for the life of me - I don't know what it is.

So not only am I worried sick over my son....I'm also facing losing someone I've had with me since he was 9 weeks old. My buddy for 16 plus years. I knew this day would come - I just wish it wouldn't have.

*sigh*