I am finding myself really struggling mentally and emotionally right now. I mistakenly assumed that by the time the one year mark came and went, I'd be feeling better about my lot in life. Everyone said that the first year is the hardest and technically, I have started the second year so why isn't it coming together?
Did I expect a magical date to come and set all things in my world right? To make me suddenly happy and content more times than not? Maybe I did. Maybe I had my sights set so tightly on the year mark. But then....have I gotten to the year mark yet? Is there still hope for the magic bullet? Technically, Dakota didn't move out until January. Last December was it's own special hell for me and while this year isn't painful in the same way, it's still painful.
I close my eyes and take deep breathes often in order to try to keep my happy face on for the kids. They are excited because, it is after all, Christmas. I just want it over and done with. But then, I also want to freeze time right here.
It's very confusing to be in my head these days.
The kids went shopping last week with Dakota to buy gifts for me. I've already taken the kids to get Vicki and Dakota gifts. It's no easy feat to come up with gift ideas the two kids can agree upon. Kaylen was determined they both needed jewelry and kept gravitating towards anything shiny. Her future partner is bound to have a jewelry loving girl on their hands. Thankfully right now, she doesn't know the difference between diamond and cubic zirconia engagement rings but I have feeling that once she is old enough, the will know every single gem out there. Anyway, I talked her out of jewelry and she finally settled on something else. (I can't say because I think they both read this.) Kelton made a great choice on his own.
I still need to take them out to find something for each other. That is harder than you think since I don't usually have one on one time with either of them. I'll have to be creative as to how I handle this.
I have a couple more things to pick up before I am completely done. I want to be done but because of the head games I play with myself, I'm having trouble just getting it done. Thankfully a friend of mine was kind enough to let me do about 6 hours of office work to make a little extra money to fill in the gift-gap. It felt really good to be productive and help someone get work done. And picking up some extra money didn't hurt either.