Last week a doula wanted to join a list serve through Yahoo that I am on for lesbian moms so that she could learn more about the lesbian culture to better serve her clientele. I invited her to join my Moms To Babies list since my group is all moms with infants, babies and toddlers who have experienced the birth process not all that long ago.
Tonight the doula posted to my board that someone had said that she makes them uncomfortable on the other list because she mentioned her husband and because she asked basic parenting questions (she inquired about signing with babies. For the record - her posts have been nothing but respectful.). The doula, out of respect for the group, felt it was best to unsub from the group. OH COME ON!!! Do people truly not live in the real world? What makes it ok for us as lesbians to discriminate against a straight woman? Wouldn't you think that we would be a more understanding and forgiving group than that considering what our families face each and every day?
I would completely expect that she would mention her husband and her kids. Who among us wants to have to keep our experience and family out of conversations? And as for asking "basic parenting questions" - what's the big deal? For all she knows, lesbians have some weird-ass parenting styles. She joined to LEARN. She wanted to learn - to get to know how our families look and work as a unit. What's important for us and what we value.
Seriously - if I didn't know better (which I do, of course) I would wonder about us too. Do all lesbians use cloth diapers because it's PC? Do we all hate men? Do we all strive to have girls so that we can populate the earth with "our kind"? How do 2 moms teach a boy to pee standing up? What is the ratio of gay offspring to gay parents vs straight parents? I don't know about you but I would have a ton of questions! And then there is the whole birth experience - I would be curious to know how two women are treated when they arrive as a couple for prenantal care and delivery. Oh my gosh - I would bore everyone to tears with all my questions.
I just think of myself when I want to learn about a new thing. Mormons, for example. Their culture fascinates me because I don't "get" it. I want to learn about it- about all their seemingly odd rituals. When I had a Mormon friend I had more than one super late night picking her brain - I would do it again if given half a chance.
And then there is the whole "Good heavens people - how do you function in the world? Do you hide away from the prying eyes of straight people? Do you refuse to help them learn so that they can be more accepting of our families?"
Heck - some of my best mommy friends are straight people. :) And you can believe that I pick their brains on how their relationships work too.
So really people - let's be more tolerant of others and let's help them learn about our families so we can be more widely celebrated. Sure - sometimes it's uncomfortable to talk about private things but aren't our children worth it?
Mine are.
7 comments:
Thanks for stopping by my blog. I don't have kids but that does seem crazy that someone would have a problem with her posting about her hubs...please.
Actually, I only have one friend that I hang out with that is gay...she wasn't gay until just over a yr ago.
I agree that the more straight people talk to gay people...the more they understand that we are all the same. That is too bad that you had to deal with that.
Shelly
I love straight folks, my best friend is straight. And we talk about her boyfriend all the time. I could careless about people sexual identity. But, out of curiousity I looked at L-moms to see what was going on. She was talking about great sex with her husband the night her child was concieved. Now, personally I do not want to hear on a lesbian board how easy and wonderful it is to make a baby, Now, my bestfriend and I talk about sex and that is different, because I choose to particpate in those conversations. And we even joke about the night her son was concieved, but we have history and understanding between us. But, I think it is inappropriate to talk about straight baby-making on a lesbian board. I have enogh of that on my straight fertility board, where some mom's are having their second baby, conceived naturally, a miracle, but a miracle I will never have. Sorry, if I hijacked.
I had reservations about inclusion of the doula in the group in the first place, but didn't speak up (and was really too busy to read what others had to say on it.) After she started posting verbosely about her own life, which is not what I thought she was there to do, I did speak up.
This is what I commented to our own dear moderator: "This is one of the few forums where we all sort of know where we're coming from, the challenges we face through fertility, legal issues, invisibility, discrimination, in addition to the rigors of just being parents. It is hard to have someone around that has 'everything' so easy, who can just reap the rewards of privilege without even knowing it."
When I read the "I don't want to have to hide my husband" complaint to the other group, well, I just thought "Boo-hoo poor you."
It's terrific that some of the straight set do want to know "the difference" and get to know us, but they can never truly understand and empathize.
Soap box now crushing under the weight...
~mel
Sorry... to further clarify: I didn't make my comments until after I knew had been "talked to". And I didn't know she would actually leave. I'm not at all intolerant of her or her reasons to want to get to know us, I just questioned her approach. It's hard not to step on toes one way or the other.
~mel
Actually she didn't leave the L-Moms despite saying that, she's still a member. And she inaccurately reported on moms-to-babies what I talked to her about. I did tell her that there was some discomfort about her posts, and yes the great sex with her husband to conceive her son was one of them. But more, it was noted as Mel said that she asked to join the group to learn and grow as a doula for lesbian families and that from her posts it wasn;t clear what she was looking for as she was just commenting on general parenting issues. We had several e-mails back and forth and she did clarify what she wanted and instead of posting that to L-Moms, she instead posted to moms-to-babies about what she was looking to learn and slammed L-Moms. Why?
Casey, I just have to say, one of the many things I LOVE about you is that you are open, you are comfortable in your own skin and you are okay that I am comfortable in mine. I can tell that you honor my lifestyle, and I hope you know I honor yours. I don't have to feel like I'm treading eggshells to talk to you about my life or yours.
I do end up having a zillion questions, (and saying the stupidest things) and you are so good to me.
But above and beyond all of that we are FRIENDS so the differences seem miniscule compared to everything incommon we do share.
I think as a straight person, sometimes its hard not to feel like an outsider too... like a "square" as brenda would put it. which is a strange thing to say I know, but casey the way you put it in your post was perfect...
You are very understanding Casey. Just another thing that makes you so wonderfully you.
Okay...I used to be a Mormon...so if you have any questions....feel free to ask.
And for the record....did you use cloth diapers?? And if you did...Was it as messy as it sounds like it would be? I think it is gross enough when he pees through all of his clothes....I could not hang with doing that at every diaper change! :)
I asked my gyno today about progesterone supplements like you suggested, and she said they would only be beneficial if I was ovulating...which at the moment...I'm not, so they wouldn't do any good either. So for now....it's another round of clomid....WOOHOO!! One more month of hot flashes and crazy hormones! LOL Why they would make a fertility drug that makes you feel so much like NOT having sex is beyond me! :)
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