Saturday, January 30, 2016

Time Keeps on Ticking, Ticking, Ticking into the Future

What is happy when it comes to relationships?  How "happy" is enough?  How much "not happy" is too much?

I never lived in the future with Dakota.  We were married, we're raising a family.  I felt secure, safe, loved.  I find I live in the future every single day now.  When the next explosion comes, and it will, what do I do?  Where do I go?  How will my children handle it?

We have talked about it before, the kids and I, Abt how this is no way for a marriage to be.  They look at me with tears, begging me to just stay and not rock the boat.  The love their friends, their school, where they live (I have no idea what type permanent damage I am doing to them.

If I could find someplace to live, rent free or section 8, here in this area, I would.  I don't want to harm the kids anymore than the divorce and the constant battles with themselves on who they want to be with and when they want to be there.  I just don't know what to do.

Nothing I say is right.  But then she asks if I'm happy.  I slowly nod my head yes even though my mind is screaming "NO!  I'm not happy.  I signed up to be in a marriage with a fully functioning adult who would share responsibilities 50/50.  I don't have that.  I have three children and one adult who can't seem to constantly adult.

I'm so far in debt.  I see no way out.  Sure, I'm responsible for not saying no on sooooo many things that are part of our debt but I came into this relationship with zero debt.  And now I'm struggling to buy milk...let alone take my kids to a movie or out to dinner.

I can't see my way clear.  This wasn't how she was, for the most part, in the early years.  Yes, I look back and see plenty of red flags but I ignored them.  I really shouldn't have ignored them because now I am stuck and to make a move right or left will be to hurt my kids.  They have been hurt enough.  So have I, if we really want to be honest.

Truthfully, if my sister hadn't moved, the kids and I would probably be living with them.  My brothers house is full of a family of four and I'm positive they wouldn't be thrilled with a family of three moving in and messing up their carefully constructed lives.

Never in a million years, when I stood in front of family and friends in 1995 at Echo Falls Country Club, would I have ever imagined life as it is today.  If I had known, would I have done things differently?  I don't suppose I will ever know the answer to that question,


Tanya said...

What makes you nod yes when you really want to say no?
We have debt from me being the only wage earner right now, so I know that for me that can be a major stressor by itself, let along all the other stuff. And it is very stressful. I am thinking of you often.

Audra said...

Have you considered couples counseling? That sounds miserable, and I am sorry that the environment doesn't sound positive for you and the kiddos. If you guys ever need a weekend away, we have a pretty sweet bunk bed setup, we would love to have you guys :)

Casey said...

Fear. Fear makes me say yes. If I rock the boat, it gets ugly and I mean ugly with her either freezing me out (that one isn't so bad) or her having an all out meltdown either with just me...or...the crappy part, in front of the kids. When it gets like that the kids know she won't apologize so they beg me to wait awhile and then apologize. But damnit...I rarely am the one who should be apologizing.

Re: counseling. I bring it up. She scoffs and says she has no time for that. She is too busy working on herself (hard to do when you no show week after week to your appointment).

She says she is trying. I wish I could see it.

All I see is me....failing. Again. Not the right person. Again.

I read somethings that says you shouldn't stay if you are scared of the other person. I am scared. Day by day, week by week....I never know what will throw her over the edge.

But then there are the kids. If I could be in a place in the school district, alone, I'd jump in a heartbeat.

I just never thought. I just never saw it belong like this.

Daria Schaffnit said...

Oh, honey. If you are scared, I really think your brother's family would rather have you with them than have you stay. And the kids, in my opinion, will be better off being uprooted & having to make new friends & get settled into a new situation than having a mom who has to live her life afraid and miserable. Just my 2 cents. Love you.

Shannon said...

This sounds like a stressful situation for you and the kids. I understand not wanting to uproot them, but is there anyone you can turn to even out of the school district, even temporarily? It may be hard on the kids but I think it will be harder when they're old enough to realize you stayed in an unhappy situation for them. I wouldn't want my mother to do that for me and I'm sure deep down they don't either. They're just not old enough to realize it yet.

Audra said...

I've always read too, that kids can pick up on things, and sometimes it's better to remove them from these kind of situations. I'm not sure what the housing situations are like down there, but here there are waiting lists, maybe you can start looking around and signing up for things like that? And even if you aren't in the same zone for the schools, is it possible to petition to allow your kids to go to those schools if you did move close by but not in the zone?