I never lived in the future with Dakota. We were married, we're raising a family. I felt secure, safe, loved. I find I live in the future every single day now. When the next explosion comes, and it will, what do I do? Where do I go? How will my children handle it?
We have talked about it before, the kids and I, Abt how this is no way for a marriage to be. They look at me with tears, begging me to just stay and not rock the boat. The love their friends, their school, where they live (I have no idea what type permanent damage I am doing to them.
If I could find someplace to live, rent free or section 8, here in this area, I would. I don't want to harm the kids anymore than the divorce and the constant battles with themselves on who they want to be with and when they want to be there. I just don't know what to do.
Nothing I say is right. But then she asks if I'm happy. I slowly nod my head yes even though my mind is screaming "NO! I'm not happy. I signed up to be in a marriage with a fully functioning adult who would share responsibilities 50/50. I don't have that. I have three children and one adult who can't seem to constantly adult.
I'm so far in debt. I see no way out. Sure, I'm responsible for not saying no on sooooo many things that are part of our debt but I came into this relationship with zero debt. And now I'm struggling to buy milk...let alone take my kids to a movie or out to dinner.
I can't see my way clear. This wasn't how she was, for the most part, in the early years. Yes, I look back and see plenty of red flags but I ignored them. I really shouldn't have ignored them because now I am stuck and to make a move right or left will be to hurt my kids. They have been hurt enough. So have I, if we really want to be honest.
Truthfully, if my sister hadn't moved, the kids and I would probably be living with them. My brothers house is full of a family of four and I'm positive they wouldn't be thrilled with a family of three moving in and messing up their carefully constructed lives.
Never in a million years, when I stood in front of family and friends in 1995 at Echo Falls Country Club, would I have ever imagined life as it is today. If I had known, would I have done things differently? I don't suppose I will ever know the answer to that question,