It's weird. I've gone from Friday being the best of all days to Friday being.....well...just a day. True - I don't have to get up at o'dark thirty but since I'm not really sleeping well these days, that doesn't really matter. Tonight the kids go to Dakota's so that's no fun for me. I much rather they were here. Yeah - maybe I AM co-dependent on my kids but if you served your days in 95% silence, and your kids were the only ones who brought joy, happiness, laughter, and well...NOISE to your day, you probably would be, too.
So let's explore the comment about "hearing my voice" through my writings. I actually like that statement. Thank you. Being heard is something that is rare to happen these days so that feels good. Facebook is great and all but let's be honest: rarely are any of us truly honest there. I'm not. Well....most of the time I'm not. So much judgement. You know you are being judged when people read it, scroll by, and don't acknowledge. Maybe not true for everyone but for some. It's weird that I feel I can be more honest on this blog, which is open to oooooh....pretty much anyone who owns a device that can access the internet. Of course - I probably won't be 100% honest here either because (no wait. Honest always with what I write. Not honest in that I don't share every single thing.) well...it's the internet. Even when I was having trouble with D, before divorce, I had a top secret, locked down tight, blog that I think only three people were allowed to read.
So yeah - I guess this is where my voice can be heard. Again. I'm tired of being silenced. I was more ME when I was alone with the toddler aged Kelton and Kaylen than I do now. And I was even MORE me, in the first year post divorce. Lonely, scared, alone but more ME. No wait - I wasn't really lonely. I was lonely all the years D was in school but I was so used to it by then that lonely didn't come to play. I was comfortable in that house by myself with my children. I had done it for so long it just didn't phase me.
Maybe that's why life now doesn't really phase me all that much. It's just weird because I'm not alone in the house. She is always here, in the garage where she stays most of the day. If she is inside, she is getting more coffee, showering, or sleeping. Yep. That is the sum total of my relationship. It wasn't always like this. The first couple of years were good. We went out, we talked, we hung out in the same room. But now? I'm alone inside a marriage. Instead of just having Kelton and Kaylen to care for, I also have Stephanie and Andrew. Not what I signed up for. I wanted a functioning family unit. This is not.
I have all but stopped care taking Stephanie. It dawned on me one day that it was pissing me off. She isn't a child. She can make, and attend, her own appointments. She knows when her meds are low and need to be refilled so letting them go and running out is her issue. Not mine. I take care of going to my pharmacy and taking care of my needs. She is a full fledged adult. Even if she doesn't feel like it.
Heck - I don't feel like a full fledged adult but like it or not, I am and I have responsibilities that reflect that. I have two children that need to be care taken. They need appointments, they need to be driven places. For some reason, the assumption has been made that I should do the same for Andrew and while I am HAPPY to help, I am NOT happy to do everything because she just doesn't wan't to. Andrew's a great kid. Really he is. We had a few years there when I thought he would be the death of me but as he has grown up, he really is interesting to listen to and fun to interact with. He and Kelton get along so well you would think they were birth brothers. In face, all three of the kids get along. It's just I resent being put in the mommy role for two other people when I am already the mommy to my two. Now....if she stepped up and helped me with my two, no problem. But she doesn't.
This is how yesterday went:
She was up around 830a. The boys returned from the bus stop because their bus was late. Instead of just jumping up to take them, I took them. No biggie. I didn't hear anything besides a mumbled "morning" from her all day. After having coffee, she set up her bio mat (google it. It's good for medical conditions but honestly, I think she uses it to hide but what do I know) and stayed on it for almost two hours. Then to the garage to smoke again. Then to the shower. Back to the garage. Around 230p, she went to bed. The kids arrived home and I took care of all that stuff. Dakota arrived at 5p to pick up the kids for their mid week dinner visit. I had cereal for dinner. Andrew made himself hot dogs. The kids came back at 730p. I went to get ready for bed so I could be comfy while putting Kaylen to bed. Right about then....8pm, she got up and went to the garage. No hello, no hi, no "Wow sorry I missed the entire day. How are you?" Nothing.
I get the house ready for the night and put Kaylen to bed. After she is drowsy, I leave the room and put myself to be. It's 845p. Kelton comes to say goodnight at 10p. And somewhere between then and 3am when Kaylen wakes me because she had a nightmare, Stephanie came to bed.
It's all just so weird. Not at all what I thought life would be. I'm getting used to it. Housemates. I do the chores of the house, grocery shopping, bill paying, etc. and the kids and I get to live here. But a marriage? This is NOT a marriage. At least, not any kind of marriage I've ever seen.
I was less lonely with just my two little ones. How ironic is that?
Ok - time to get ready to take Kaylen to school. I can hear the dog starting to whine because she knows it almost time for a car trip. Pretty funny, actually.
Have a great morning, drink a cup of coffee for me and I will probably be back later. I forgot how much I liked to write. :)
5 comments:
Being alone with people is lonelier than simply being alone. When someone makes you feel like you are invisible or not worth the time, that is worse than knowing you are simply by yourself. I know because I've been through it when Angele was dealing with a burn out and depression. I lived alone with the kids even though she was there. We got through it but that's because Angele worked hard to overcome her illness. We are better than ever right now and it was from working and communicating. I've told her I hate when she is on the phone outside or in another room for hours when I'm out there parenting alone. And she's gotten better about that. I hope something can be done to go back to the way things were for you. She sounds depressed and you do too. If she's not going to change, I say you need to set up time for yourself to get out and see friends or do things that make you happy. Don't wait for the kids to be your only source of joy and entertainment.
I agree with Stacey, and I completely see how you wouldn't want to be a mother to a grown ass woman! I also agree that you should make time for you - We should plan a gal's weekend to Disney :)
Now I want to try a Bio Mat. Do you every use it?
Has she always expected to be babied, or is this somewhat recent? Sometimes that's exactly what people are looking for, a care giver. Sometimes I feel like I am that as well, but I know there is a lot going on in our life right now that should change in the next few months.
I wish I was closer, I would totally make you come over and chat during the weekend. :) You do need to get out of the house if it is suffocating you. Do you work outside the home. I know you have mentioned working, but I can't recall if it's from home.
I am so glad you're writing again. I hope you keep it up.
My first thought was that she sounds depressed. It's very hard to be depressed but also to live with someone who is depressed. I'm sorry that you're going through this. Have you told her how you feel?
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