I'm postponing the inevitable. I need to vacuum and I don't wanna. I need to straighten up the kids toy corner in the living room - it has taken on a life of it's own - and I don't wanna. I need to dust and I don't wanna.
It's a dark day and while the forecast promise sun and temps near 80, I seriously doubt that will happen. It's hard to be motivated when the dark days set in.
I did all that I needed to do this morning. It's the To Do list on the housework that hangs over my head. I don't wanna. Sometimes I don't see the point. The kids don't care and it's not like I'm trying to prove my worth to anyone anymore.
I will get it all done....but I don't wanna.
I might not get it all done today.
The nice thing about being where I am in my life, and having gone through what I have, I have let go of some of the OCD-ness I had when it came to the homes I created. Now, I walk by the dining room table and see the layer of dust and instead of feeling overwhelming guilt, I draw a smiley face and walk away. I look at the kitchen floor and think "Eh. I'll sweep and mop but I have no need to kill myself scrubbing the floor on my hands and knees." I see the kids beds, which they make themselves, and think "I should redo them so they are perfect." But I don't because what does that teach them? That their work isn't good enough? That's not a good lesson. (And see how easily I can justify not doing it?)
I mean really - it all just needs to be done again in a day...or a week..maybe two.
I wish I had realized how silly it was to kill myself before. How silly it was to think that that my worth was validated and appreciated by how clean and organized I kept things. Maybe I would have spent more time on the floor playing with my babies. Maybe I wouldn't have gotten so frustrated trying to juggle it all and trying to be seen as having it all together. Maybe I would have taken the kids to the park more often. Maybe I would have taken Kaylen to the zoo or the children's museum when Kelton was school full time. I always planned on it. There never seemed to be a good time. Too much to do. Too much waiting to be done. Too many balls to juggle.
I'm not saying I am letting the house go to shambles. I'm saying my priorities are different now.
But then...my life is different now. So very different.
Different is good.