Thursday, September 22, 2011

September 22

I know it's been days since I last posted but I have a reason...wait. No. Just an excuse.

I'm in the Land of Funk.

I think I'm PMSing (yeah I know...TMI but I don't really care). Need proof? Take for instance: the changes over in Facebook Land. They so don't make me happy and yet - I realize in that in the grand scheme of things, it really doesn't matter. And yet - it seems and feels terribly important. The job hunt has me slightly (!) on edge. My goal has been 4-6 applications a day. I have hit that goal every day since setting it. I know it's still early for those to pan out since weeks and weeks can go by before hearing a know, IF I hear a word. I am even in contact with an agency who works with "hard to place people". Such a f-d up way to look at yourself. Hard to place.

I know in just a couple weeks via my annual Social Security report, the Federal Government will again remind me I am worth a big fat zero. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. It's funny but until the past few years, those reports didn't really bother me because I knew I was doing something ultra-important: raising future adults. Now, though my job with the children is the same (raising them to be fully functioning, happy, well-adjusted adults) my lack of worth hits like a hammer and brings me to my knees.

We all know that if stay at home moms received paychecks, they would be higher than an average paycheck for an average overtime. I also know that the skills I have honed in the 9.5 years since Kelton arrived on the planet, in addition to the ones I had prior to that (you know - the same skills that made me a highly qualified and an in-demand employee who was recruited into the last position I held), should make me an excellent candidate.

I have no doubt that 5 years ago I would have been snatched up. Five years ago. When the economy was different and well...when I had "only" been out 5 years. But five years ago I had a 4 year old and a 1 year old who I was solely responsible for more days and nights than not and I had a partner who agreed with the advantage of my being at home with them. I thought those days were hard. They were, in retrospect, a walk in the park.

I'm grumbling and moaning, I know. I don't expect poor you's and don't need any self-righteous ideas and thoughts on my life. I'm just venting before I explode and lucky you - you get to read it. Or not. No one is forcing you to.

Remember a post I had a while back about Polaroids vs Portraits? This is a snapshot of my mindset at this very moment. It is NOT indicative of anything else.

I know I am VERY lucky, fortunate, blessed and loved as well. It's just that in this moment, those feelings are in the background and the PMS monster has taken over. Right now I'm sad, defeated, frustrated and scared.

It happens.

(PS..I turned off comments. I really don't want any. I just wanted to vent. Thanks. I'm sure my brighter outlook-self will be back soon.)