Ideas?
It's no big secret: I come from a family of yellers. My parents yelled. My siblings yelled. I didn't like it then and I don't like it now.
Only problem is; I seem to have become a yelling parent. I don't like it. I do not like yelling at my kids. I remember how it felt when I was a child and I swore I wouldn't do it to my kids. And yet, somehow over the years, I have become that which I despise.
I try and I try and I try not to yell at them. I remind myself they are only children. I tell myself that no good comes from yelling. I hear myself and I hate how it sounds and yet...... *sigh*
I need to find other ways of dealing. Now.
So....let's look at this from this point of view:
It's the end of a long day and you're stressed out as far as you feel you can be stressed. It's the "witching hour" which means the kids are starting to spin out of control and things are on a fast decline, going no where good. There is no break in sight for you - no one coming through the door to help diffuse the situation. The kids are at each other, at you.....the tension is mounting. You see it coming. You know how this is going to end. You know you're going to end up yelling and someone, maybe all three of you are going to end up in tears. You want to put the brakes on before it gets to that point. What do you do? Please....seriously, tell me what you would do.
I take deep breaths. I count. I try to stay calm when I speak with them. I ask politely. I demand in a calm manner. I take more deep breaths. My voice gets a bit louder. Then louder and then.....well, you get the idea.
I've done things like push up dinner time to 4pm because this is the time I have learned they *need* to eat. Even waiting until 4:15 is a bad idea. So food goes on the table no later than 4. And yet, they screw around and play with their food (sometimes eating, sometimes not). They mess around in their chairs. They won't eat hardly enough even though you *know* they need to. (and yes, they have had a snack about 2 hours before).
I've pushed up bath and bedtime because I know they need to go to bed by 7pm. I mean - IN bed and half-asleep if not all the way asleep by 7pm.
So....I'm asking you for ideas on how to cope, how to diffuse the situation before it gets to raised voices and tears.
This is no way to live and this is nothing that I want my kids to carry with them through their lives. This is not th elegacy I want to pass on. And yet - they can't run the show. They can't have the control and just do as they please because honestly, I think I saw red tonight when they each took handfuls of their soup and tossed it across the room. I actually was proud of the way I handled that. At first I yelled and sent them to their rooms. But in a minute I realized that wasn't productive so I went in and talked with them and we agreed that they should help clean it up. And they did. But in the end, this isn't about their behavior - it's about mine. I own my reactions. And I do not like the knee jerk reactions I have.
So I'm asking all of you parents out there what tactics you employ to keep your cool? I'm all ears.
12 comments:
Wow that is a tough one, because now that I have children I'm amazed to see how much of who we are in genetic (and yes, I believe that could be yelling). I think some people are genetically more prone to loose their cool. If yelling is what they've seen, yelling is what they'll do.
As for controlling it..well first be careful of the words that come out when you're angry. I've found that I have a stock phrase of "I'm frustrated" and "Do you want a consequence" so I don't revert to something I heard again and again like "I'm sick and tired of your crap!" And if you do say something you wish you hadn't, talk to your kids and apologize - I've done that before. Same with yelling, if you find yourself doing it, tell them it wasn't a good choice and apologize. I'm a believer in admitting my mistakes with Declan, hopefully he'll learn and be less likely to repeat the behavior he sees. Also he knows I that I won't accept that behavior from him, if I don't accept it from myself. Last advice- when I'm at the end of my rope, I tell Declan that I am. I tell him "Mama is off duty for the night and here are your choices: go play bionicles in your room or watch a a movie." As for miss behavior I think it's a good idea to IMMEDIATELY put them in their rooms, give yourself a few minutes to calm down and then pull them out and talk about it after you've calmed down.
Wow, long answer. I hope it helps. I think most of us struggle with becoming our parents in some way or another...
Casey! I can relate, it is really so hard not to revert to yelling, especially when you have it "in your blood" persay
Dr. Phil had this idea that i've actually thought about trying. He said put a post card in your pocket that said something... (hmm dont' remember what... lol but you could say something along the lines of "I WILL change my family legacy". Then everytime you feel so frusterated you could scream, stick your hand in you pocket and it will honestly give you a tangible reminder of what you are trying to do.
I'm thinking a special necklace, or ring or bracelet really would do the trick too.
I'm a huge believer too in "go cool off in your room" if the kids are behaving so badly (aka spitting soup) send them in to their rooms before you loose your cool. Maybe even don't SAY anything, just pick them up and take them straight to their room (don't pass go, don't collect 200 dollars, just straight there. Sometimes saying less is better then saying more... then you can go in your own room, scream a bit and read your new legacy mantra until you have calmed down.
I need to reread this post, because this is something that has been really getting to me lately too.
I'm a complete novice at this, having just been beset by a two-year-old as a first time parent, but I share some of the frustration, in a somewhat different way. I don't yell or want to yell, probably because my mother never yelled at me, but I do tend to be more rule-oriented and to give up more easily than my partner does, in the face of "terrible twos" behavior. But it's so important to me to be able to connect and get close to this little girl because she is a new foster child and I want her to feel safe and loved while learning the limits in our house. I am constantly telling myself to "try harder". You've probably already read it 10 times, but I found the book "How to Behave So Your Preschooler Will Too" (sequel to ..."so your children will too")very helpful. I realized I wasn't really matching consequences to the "crime" (ex. throwing your silverware on the floor should not mean a time-out, it should mean not getting your silverware back; not eating your dinner should not mean sitting there until you do, it should mean no dessert, etc.) It also pointed out to me that my anger or frustration can be a reward for her misbehavior, so our consequences became more about teaching than about reacting. And I think it helped both of us to respond more immediately, rather than saying something six or seven times and getting more frustrated each time- like Shawna said, just picking her up and putting her in her room (or time-out or whatever) without repeating yourself. Those are my current struggles, anyway. Good luck!
Casey - You two are awesome parents. Everytime I see pics of the kids there is a smile on their face...ok, I ONLY see the happy pics perhaps, but they are well adjusted and well centered kids. It's really important for you to remind yourself that the big picture shows you're doing a really great job!
I remember being very upset with my son one evening where I just knew he was intentionally pushing every button he could. As my anger grew, and as I nearly started yelling at him, something kicked in so that the words that came out were "I'm very upset with your actions right now, and I can't talk to you until I calm down. Go to your room and I'll come talk with you when I can." Yes, it put the fear of God in him! But when I calmed down, we had a very intense and ultimately positive discussion that ended in a hug and promise that he wouldn't repeat his actions....and he lived up to his promise.
I really like the idea of the note in your pocket or a bracelet or some other physical reminder. That's a geat idea, and you could have it hold a pic of the kids smiling, and a note to yourself that you're doing a great job! As you look at it, it'll take your mind off of being angry just long enough for you to get your composure and not yell at them.
Hope this helps!! It's been many many years since my kids were that little, but some memories just never leave you.....thankfully!
Also, pray until your knees bleed! (:-)
Well, I used to yell at Gillian a lot. I was a single mom and way stressed out. I don't yell much anymore because it scares Katie and when I see that look on her face, it stops me in my tracks. I have gone to the deadly quiet trick. Works with Gillian but not with Katie. I literally have to walk away sometimes Casey. Re-group and walk away. I am sure you had a conversation and spoke with the kids about why we don't throw our food. Or, next time they ask for soup, tell them sorry, you don't know how to eat soup properly. Let them convince you they do.
I come from a family of bottle-it-up non-yellers, which is why I think I AM a yeller. I was never encouraged to just get it out and I don't know how to handle those volatile emotions. I explode. I know I do it. I have a kid who screams back, but otherwise doesn't appear affected by my yelling, which really bothers me. I feel like I do it even more for that reason. I really, really, really hate it. I have to get a handle on it.
I have no words of wisdom that others haven't already suggested. I walk away. I moved to an apartment with my own bedroom so I have a place other than the bathroom to shut the door when space between us is called for.
I'm working on the DVD of 1-2-3 Magic (www.parentmagic.com) right now. Who has time to read for pleasure? I'm not looking to it for a cure-all, just hoping to get some ideas to help me at home and in the classroom -- don't need to be yelling at other people's kids, too.
I feel this will be an ongoing struggle for all of us. We want to be the parents we DIDN'T have, but no one taught us how to do that.
Oh yeah... dontcha just love hearing the voices of your parents spewing out of your own mouth... or feeling the rage within that you surely saw when you were on the receiving end. not!
I don't know if this is what is going on in your house (it certainly is in our house... *especially* with B&B)...
But if they aren't following the directions they need to follow, then I'd change things up. While I know you are focusing on how you respond to these situations, it is also about minimizing these situations. It is everyone's responsibility to help minimize them!
In our house we frame it as we are a family and we all need to work together. We are kind and respectful of each other. We also talk about how we are both/all affected when we yell... how it feels to be yelled AT and how it feels to be the one yelling. I always talk to them (generally it is Abby) after the incident.
Recently Carie's reached a brick wall with B (of B&B). Part of it is harder because they aren't "our" kids and they DO have different (way lenient) rules at home. But she can't take his actions anymore and the time outs aren't working... and an all day time out doesn't seem like a viable option.
Earlier this week I suggested a different consequence. Time outs were clearly not working... and his Mom & Dad have stopped doing time outs because he throws a fit and they totally cave. I suggested that Carie remove the visible feelings/anger/frustration from the situation. If he does whatever it is that he *knows* he's not supposed to do... immediate consequence (that is not time out). BOY did that shake him up a bit! His consequence was that he lost tv privelege. While they don't watch tons of tv during the day, removing his ability to watch while the other kids did was HUGE for him. Mean, I know! Carie offered him other activities to do, or ways he could help her, and he had a choice on what to do. But he could not be in the area where the tv was... which is really what he cared about. This morning he lost the priveledge again. Hopefully it won't take too many days before we reach common bliss!
Whenver they are whining because they want something or if they have asked (demanded rather) inappropriately... our favorite phrase is "would you like to try that again?" It works like a charm. All we have to do is say that calmly and they always rephrase appropriately.
As far as the eating goes, I can sympathize. I swear our entire day would be greatly improved if we didn't need to eat... at all! Each meal feels like a struggle to get the 5 of them sitting AND eating appropriately (for Bfast, Lunch, and snacks). At dinner time, for the girls we have reached the point where they are either excused to time out (immediately) for doing something/goofing off inappropriately (we are talking... falling off the chair, tiping the chair back, etc...) OR they know that we can excuse them from the dinner table entirely. If they have asked to be excused (because they say they are full) or if we excuse them for goofing off... and they haven't eaten "enough", there is no snacks. We make this known when they leave the table!
If you are having troubles with Kaylen eating too... I'm guessing she is totally feeding off Kelton.
Lately, with other activities going on, we've been doing dinner later. They've been having a small snack before the activity and then dinner afterwards. This seems to help the girls. In these instances we also emphasize that their will be no more food/snacks before bed... that this is it for the night! But I understand the need/routine... Spencer, our routine boy needs dinner on the table at 6pm *sharp*!
Poor you! I don't have kids so can't offer you any advice. There wasn't a lot of yelling when I was growing up. But we had a crappy upbringing so maybe getting yelled at isn't so bad.
Casey,
You've gotten lots of great suggestions. I think I told you that last year I took a parenting preschoolers class and a class on anger management. I also grew up in a family of yellers and I didn't like repeating it. The anger management class was based on a book called "Calming the Family Storm" http://www.amazon.com/Calming-Family-Storm-Anger-Management/dp/1886230560 I re-read it frequently, it's been a big help. One thing that they talked about in the class that others have touched on, is that making you lose it may be part of the fun, so just walking away may de-escalate the situation. It's great to have them help clean up, but it doesn't have to be immediate, feel free to just walk out of the room. The instructor suggested making your bathroom a really pleasant retreat since you can just lock yourself in and run the water so you can't hear them, while you do yoga breathing, read a trashy magazine, or whatever helps you chill out and then dealing with the situation. The beauty of you walking out is that it eliminates the possibility of things escalating while you try to put them in their rooms or in time out. Sometimes I'll discover that Claire has tried to clean up for fix things when I come back. The book also helps you work through ideas of how to minimize the possibility of bad behavior that Sonya touched on and deciding what you might do ahead of time so you aren't reacting in the heat of the moment.
It's really hard, esp when there isn't a "relief parent" coming in the door to break the tension. K is home after bedtime 4 nights per week and it sucks. I really think, and the book covers this, that a lot of it is how you are raised. I tend to yell, and K, when similarly frustrated, does not, it's just not in her "toolbox" to deal with the situation. It's a lot of work to overcome the patterns, so don't forget to give yourself credit for trying.
Hugs,
Jennifer
hmmmmm. casey i read this with great interest--as I am a closeted yeller. I've only started doing it in the last 6 months. I don't think back and see either of my parents as yellers, though they *did* yell from time to time. However, I find myself snapping sometimes and the only way I can deal is to start yelling. What sucks is that maggie is sorta used to it and mostly just laughs at me. I don't like it and Donna hates it but I hardly know how to stop once I get going. I guess we're all realizing we aren't perfect parents.....and that sucks. But, we are good parents. Period.
Rae
Shoot, I don't know. I'll read all the comments you get, because I worry about it too. While i haven't yelled at A yet, i do yell at the animals, and really, animals are even less responsive to yelling than children. big hugs to you!!!!
Laura- I LOVE that you change the clocks! I am totally going to remember that!
Kristen
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