Sure....absolutely...there has been good moments peppered in there but I am not sleeping or eating and that always is a huge red flag that all is not well in Denmark.
I can't really tell you what it is that has me in its clutches - I guess you can just sum it up to a whole lot of things that in and of themselves have a doable stress level (!) but when added together it's like an atomic stress bomb.
I am so ready to be at a place in my life when my worries and anxiety doesn't consume me. I want manageable situations. I want peace.
Monday night I found a flea on Jordan and I swear to you, I just about lost it. One more stress (which again - is totally doable on its own) to have to deal with. Animals have been flea treated and I spent today washing bedding and blankets because the dogs sleep in the kids room these days and I don't want fleas crawling on my children while they sleep. Over-reactive? Maybe. I know that in years gone by, a single flea treatment does the trick and life goes on but this time? This time it was just enough to toss me a big further over the edge upon which I am standing.
I just need to breathe. All these things will pass and everything always turns out as it is meant to turn out but letting go of all this (in the grand scheme of things) small stuff is a challenge right now.
I try to remind myself that I hit walls and I am just mid-smack right now. In a week or two, these days will be a memory and I will have made it through just fine. Logically I know all that. But right now? Right now everything seems big and daunting and terrifying.
A line in a song keeps going around and around in my head......
"I know it's hard and you're scared and you're tired and it hurts"
(Fall into Me by Sugarland)
Yep - that's me today. And yesterday. And the day before. But really? I'm ok for it not to be me tomorrow.