Dancing on the Edge

Who'd Have Thunk It?

Dakota's mom came over this afternoon to stay with the kids so I could get some shopping done. It was planned for a couple weeks ago but then the dreaded germs invaded our house and grandma coming over was pushed back. In between now and then, I managed to finish up the shopping I had to get done for Christmas but who am I to turn down a few child-free hours? Especially since in the past 16 weeks (that's how long the semester is) I can count on one finger how many times I have gotten away without the kids....and that was to the grocery store to do the bi-weekly shopping when Dakota was out of town at her law conference.

So anyway, I had been building this escape up for weeks. Literally. I had decided to head out to the mall and see what kind of damage I could do at the big going out of business sale at the Mervyn's store. After all, "everything must go" and is currently marked down to 50-70% off....heck, even the fixtures must go though I didn't figure I needed any of those.

I get to the mall and head into the store. I wanted new blankets so I went to the linen department. Ummm....yeah....good luck. If you wanted twin or king you were in good shape for most things but queen? Forget it. They didn't have any of my favorite blankets left anyway and everything else was picked over something fierce. Yeah - I should have expected it but I was blinded by my "I'm going shopping ALONE!" fantasy.

I went to the shoe department and found a great pair of Reeboks for Kelton in the next size up (I always buy ahead). Kaylen is a nightmare when it comes to shoes so I skipped that (she is all about her look-alike Crocs from Payless Shoe Source and nothing else will do. I even finally bought her a black pair (she has two pink pairs already) to wear with her Christmas dresses since pink just wasn't doing it for me and she *will not* wear any other shoes. Believe me, we've tried. It's not worth the screaming, kicking or shoe throwing). Then I hit the kid departments. I bought Kelton a shirt for next year and Kaylen a really sweet sweater and a pair of jammies, also in the next size up. Then I remembered their Hallmark card section. Score! I got about 20 different cards (mostly birthday) for $0.45 each. You just can't beat that for greeting cards, let alone Hallmark greeting cards.

Ok....so I was done. $53 worth of stuff and the receipt said I saved $75 (not really because I wouldn't have bought it all if it hadn't been on sale to start with but for the sake of argument, let's just say I saved money). I walked out of the store and into the mall and.........................

I stood there. Just stood there. I had no idea what to do.

It was a pathetic sight I'm sure. I didn't have to swing by and see Santa. I didn't have to go to the toy store to "look around". The pet store held no allure for me. I didn't need to buy anything so there was no point in wandering around other stores. Ok...well....it appears I was actually missing my kids. I was lonely just standing there. I wondered what they were doing at home with Grandma. I looked around at other moms with their kids and...get this....I WAS JEALOUS! I was jealous they all had their kids with them and I was standing there alone. Am I completely pitiful or what??

I was hungry so I headed over to my new find in the food court. They have an amazing California Veggie sandwich and I had decided a few days ago that I would get one on my mall venture. I went to order and the guy said "Sorry - we don't have any avocados. I can have them put tomatoes on for you instead." "Ummm....no thanks." I wanted what I wanted. I had been craving what I wanted for days now. Bummer. So I left and headed back to Mervyn's so I could return to my car.

I looked at my watch. It hadn't even been an hour yet. It had only been 40 minutes since I left the house. I suck at this non-kid time stuff. And I suck bad. I could name about 5 stay at home moms off the top of my head who would have given away their first born for an hour alone at the mall.

I decided to look around again - I mean seriously....I couldn't be back home in under an hour after waiting all this time for this opportunity.

Score! I found a cute pair of shoes for myself and at 60% they were only $20. Cool! I put them on and walked around the shoe department for a bit to make sure they fit...and to kill some more time. Then I looked around the underwear department (hey - I was desperate!) and even considered buying some girdle thing (did I mention I was desperate?). I passed on the girdle idea. What in the freakin' world do I need one for? I was losing my mind and, clearly, my grip on reality.

I needed my kids.

I bought the shoes and headed out the door. It had been one hour and 15 minutes since I left the house. I called Dakota to tell her how much I suck at not having the kids with me. I'm sure she thinks I'm crazy. Maybe I am. Then I call Brenda (in California). I had called her on my way to the mall to gloat about my "me time"...this time I was calling to confess that I suck and was going home. She tried to convince me to go to Starbucks and hang out for a while. But no....I missed my kids. I was going home. I do feel guilty about being away from them but honestly, I was just missing them.

Sure - their screaming, crying and usual toddler and preschool antics drive me over the edge hourly and it's amazing I'm not bald from pulling out my hair but their laughter and silliness, their smiles and their hugs....well....I guess it's all what makes me ME. I'm not even sure it makes sense all I know is when I walked in the house and saw Kelton play wrestling with Grandma on the couch and Kaylen sitting at the table watching and laughing....my heart just about burst wide open. And the way their eyes lit up and they both flew into my arms well......that's what I live for.

No worries though....by bathtime I was ready to schedule another escape to the mall. Although maybe next time I'll just pick up a magazine and head to a local coffee shop for some quiet reading time. Ahhhh...now THAT sounds like heaven!