Dancing on the Edge

Ok - so this is how the visit to the cardiologist was supposed to go:

We have the EKG and are sent to the specialty clinic to see the cardiologist
The cardiologist reviews the EKG, checks over the baby and says: "I find no evidence of a murmur. Please take your exceedingly healthy baby and go home."
We leave the office happy and carefree.

Did you notice the phrase "supposed to go"? Yeah. So not what we got.

We have the EKG and are sent to the specialty clinic to see the cardiologist
The cardiologist reviews the EKG, checks over the baby, has her medical student check over the baby all the while saying to him "Tell me what you hear." "Now check here - what do you hear here?"

I see Dakota turn a bit pale but I am holding firmly to my "There is nothing wrong. She is just pointing out to him how there is no murmur in this very healthy child."

I boldly say "What are you hearing? The murmur?"
She says "I wouldn't be a very good cardiologist if I didn't hear it."

GULP.

Ok - so the bottom line is Kaylen has two, not just one, murmurs. Still not too problematic since the doc says "They sound like innocent murmurs.....................BUT........."

Oh yeah - there's a but.

The EKG is abnormal. The results indicate an enlarged left side of her heart. It might still be nothing - or it might be something. More testing is needed.

*THUD*

So not what I expected.

Q: Why is she a year old and never had a murmur heard before?
A: She might never have had one before. These might have been brought on by her recent bout with the flu. This might indicate an infection in her heart.

Q: What if her heart is enlarged?
A: Let's cross that bridge when we have more data.

Q: Could this be why she turns a dusky blue color sometimes.
A: Yes. Or no. We'll know more with the echo.

I decide NOT to do internet research. I have, in all my lack of an ability to cope, decided to return to my bubble of denial. Everything is going to be fine. She is too healthy for it to go any other way.

Her echo is scheduled for Tuesday morning (why is it so much more frightening when they can get appointments so quickly? They would have gotten her in tomorrow but we were going to be out of town. The doc had tried to get her in this afternoon in the name of "saving us a trip". Hmmmmm.). We'll know more then. If she cooperates she won't have to be sedated.

Sedated. I really, really don't want her sedated.

So - that would be the update. And now I am zipping back up my bubble and hiding from anything else. I'm telling you - I really, truly can't cope. (Did I mention how I was holding Kaylen and holding Kelton's hand while we crossed a parking lot yesterday when I fell? Oh yeah - my left leg is so gosh darn purty right now. Anyway - a complete stranger came up to help. When she asked if I was ok, I burst into tears and said "No!" So...this absolute stranger in the Wal-Mart parking lot, held my daughter in one arm, gave me a hug with the other and stood there and let me cry on her shoulder. She said "It's hard. I know - it's so hard some days." She isn't just whistling dixie, my friends. But I digress....)

Ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip.
*fingers in my ears while I sing "Lalalalalalalalalalalalaa"

D'Nile.....it ain't just a river in Egypt.