I think I'm beginning to sink into depression. There is a small voice in my head telling me to go see the doctor but I just can't bring myself to do it. I am still functioning. I get up, take care of my children, log in and find work for the day, pay bills, grocery shop, etc. but something is missing.
Maybe it's the gray skies that won't quit this time of year. Maybe it's the drama that unfolds around me constantly. Maybe it's the exclusion. Maybe it's just me. Maybe it's the holiday. Maybe I just need a freaking break.
I could tell you this is new...within the past few days. That would make sense. But no - it's been going on for weeks now. I have made it a point to get out of the house and into the world as much as I can. Working around people. Faking it until I make it. But I wonder.
There is so many little things around here that drive me crazy. Moulding that needs to be replaced because they haven't yet been from when we put in the new flooring. A master bath that is "in progress" of being renovated. The closet floor in Kaylen's room that needs to be finished. I have curtain rods that still need to be put up. Etc. It's slowly getting done...well...some of it. I'm sure, in time, it will be done. But it does add to my stress.
Over all, I am not confident that I am adjusting well. Everything seems so.....big.
I figure I will hold on until the first of the year and if I'm still feeling this way, I should get myself to the doctor. But that might mean finding a new one first. I'm not crazy about the PA I have. We'll see.
Time will tell. It always does.
2 comments:
Please go see a doctor. I have struggled with depression for years and I always thought, "Well, I can still get up, I can still go to work" but the fact that I was miserable all day every day for no identifiable reason apparently wasn't reason enough to get help. I did finally get help and things get so much better so much quickly. Life is hard enough, don't make it harder for yourself. Insomnia and depression go hand in hand, and you've mentioned sleep problems over the years. Treating your depression (however works for you) may also give you some relief from that.
I honestly can say I know the feeling. I can swing from day to day, sometimes I wake up and I'm like, "Yeah! I can do everything today." Then by noon I am on the couch taking a nap, completely overwhelmed..
I refuse to pay for any more doctor bills, so I sort of self medicate - isn't that terrible? I mean I have a prescription that says I can take TWO a day, but I only take one - so some days I take one and a half.. But I guess the doctor said that was fine. I just worry that one day I may find myself taking handfuls like on those TV shows where the "super moms" take like 50 pills to get through the day..
I hope things get better, and I totally understand putting off the doctor thing (my doctor always tells me that I am fine, because I can play off all the symptoms so easily). Maybe check through your blog posts and see which days were rough, if it gets over 75% I say try some good meds.. there are alot of choices, and with the weather, shortest day of the year, moving, holidays, volunteer work.. You have been going on super drive.
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