Friday, October 07, 2011

Innocence Lost

Ummm...I would be talking about *my* innocence.

Now get up out of that gutter you are in because no, that is *not* what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about my "cat innocence". For those of you with cats, you just might understand without my going any further but just for the fun of it, let me go on.

My house was the scene of a murder cover up today. Never, ever, ever in all my years of being owned by cats (because, let's face it...no one owns a cat. They own you) have I had to deal with murder scene clean up. That all ended about an hour ago, thanks to a it's a wonder he's still alive because he drives me to the brink of sanity cat named Zip.

Zip is a cat the defies (almost) all other cats that I have ever lived with before. He is W.I.L.D. He is a year old now and goes outside. However, without permission he has been leaving the yard in favor of adventure in neighboring backyards. He comes when he is called and never stays out for too long. But...out and about he is. Daily. This leaving the yard is a departure from (almost all) my other cats who have always been content to stay within the confines of the backyard. The exception was Taz....who is the one for whom I broke my back trying to rescue when she left the yard. Ironic that Taz and Zip both have crazy-ass names? No...not so much.

Anyway...he has been out and about for months without incident. Well. Until today.

It might be helpful for you to know that I leave the sliding glass door off the kitchen open a bit during the day so dogs and cats can wander in and out at will. Keep that in mind.

So.....I was busy working a while ago when I needed to get something from the back of the house. I went back there and, in the dim light of the hallway, I saw something all over the floor. And there was Zip - stretched out in the middle of the area between the three bedrooms. "What the....?!?!" I thought to myself. "Did Zip find the dryer lint?" I stood there feeling confused. Then I took a step forward and my eyes fell upon..........OH MY GOD! A dead bird! Right next to Zip on the floor. IN my house. A freaking DEAD bird! WHAT THE HELL?????

My mind raced. And froze. All at once.

How? Why? WHAT?!?!?!

Crapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrap.

I turned quickly and left Zip and his.......what? His prize? His victim?...on the floor. I had to think. I had to try to figure out what to do. Dead things and me? Not a good mix. Not at all.

I pulled my phone from my back pocket and hit the number that instantly connects me to Stephanie. She answered and I choke out "Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!" She listened to me as the story spilled out and then said with a small laugh in her voice "At least it wasn't a bunny." (She is used to dealing with dead things, living in the country and all.) Well - yeah. Good point. That would have KILLED me! (Bunnies are all over the place out at Stephanie's. Thankfully, they are not plentiful around here. I LOVE bunnies.) She gave her sage advice: pretend it's poop and pick it up with a paper towel and toss it in the garbage. Ugh. Yeah...I have to deal with it. And the massive amount of feathers on the floor.

I gathered all my courage, three paper towels and a plastic bag (because there is NO WAY I am risking touching that thing), took a deep breath and headed to the back of the house.

There was Zip. Tossing that poor dead thing around and pouncing on it. He was in dead-bird heaven....and I fought back the urge to toss my cookies. I scared off Zip, held my breath and snatched up the dead bird and raced it outside and tossed it into the trash. EEEEWWWWWW!!!!

I got out the vacuum and cleaned up the feathers.

O.M.G.

This is the first time in the 28 years of living with cats that I have had to deal with a murder at the paws of a cat but I have a feeling this is not the last dead thing that Zip will drop on me in his lifetime.

Oh joy.

BARF!

Anyone was to give a good home to a sweet, rambunctious, bird killing cat?

Just kidding. Sorta.

7 comments:

Daria de la Luna said...

Definitely don't miss that aspect of having kitties who go outdoors. Mine mostly just vanquish bugs. But, oh, the birds, mice, squirrels, moles, voles (never any bunnies) my cats used to bring in when I was growing up. There was once a time when someone left a dead mouse in my mom's shoe.

Tanya said...

You're too funny. Don't you know, it was a gift not a prize. He was saying "here mommy aren't you proud of me?" And just be thankful it wasn't still alive. We have a crazy cat too, that wants outside, but isn't allowed unless she gets past us. She wants to catch stuff and we're actually happy with that becuase she has caught 2 mice inside (both were still alive when we got them away from her). I always tell her she's a good girl becuase really I'd rather have her get the mice then let them keep living in my house. :)

Kait T said...

We decided to keep Ninja inside because she kept bringing shrews in to play in the house. they were running all over the place. so gross. I hated her for awhile.

Sonya said...

LOL!

This isn't just a cat thing. We don't have cats due to my allergies. But we've had several dogs and they LOVE to bring "prizes".

Most common prizes for us have been birds and bunnies. Carmen (our previous dog) was notorious for bringing in bunnies. Once she managed a whole litter.

Yes... gross!

L said...

What? No pictures?

Anonymous said...

Call me a wuss - but the first time post divorce that J (RIP) brought me a bird, I used a shovel to pick it up. The thought of a paper towel just didn't work.

Kristen said...

bwahahaha to L!

I'm lucky if my cat brings in his gifts dead. My preferred method of removing them is with the fireplace tools and a paper garbage bag.