Wednesday, March 09, 2016

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

The eternal question these days.  I wish so many things.....that I had never left my well paying job in Seattle after Kelton was born (but then again....being able to be with my babies full time was a gift I would NEVER wish away.  I was fortunate to be able to be there for them.  I don't take it for granted as it was amazing to watch them grow, I was able to be there for their firsts and being a stay at home mom was what I had dreamed of since I was a little girl.  I know how lucky I was.  I had a partner who supported that....until I didn't.  Until my dream of being a mom wasn't a big enough goal for someone else.

But now......(well...even then) I have a medical condition that makes working a full time job impossible so I have ended up being dependent on someone.  In my relationship with D, I didn't feel dependent.  I felt we were a team, a unit, a family.  Today, in this world I find myself in?  I'm nothing more than a convenience at best and an inconvenience at worst.  Days and weeks go by when I wonder what I am doing.  Why do I stay?

The kids.  Right.

They don't want to move, or change schools. be fair, I think the moving would be ok but the changing schools, especially for Kelton, is a no go.

And where would I go?  I've given tight to going to the DSHS office to see what options are available.  Is there (and I can't believe I'm saying this) section 8 housing available out here in this school district?

And here is where I stumble:  this is NOT the life I promised those helpless babies when I held them in my arms.  I promised them a family, stability, having their needs met, having their wants as life allowed. Having their two parents, who dreamed them into existence, be with them, together, until they were ready to be on their own.

I have failed so much.  I am a great mom to them but I know I have let them down in ways they won't understand until they are older.

If I could have anything I wanted I'd ask for a permanent home for just the three of us, in the school district they are in, money to pay the bills and food in the cabinets.  I don't want for much....just the freedom to be me with the two of them.

Not worrying if today is the day I will say, or do something that will bring about mean words, cruel silence for days.  Emotional abuse.

Oh and right....the debt I allowed to be accumulated in my name?  I want that gone, too.  I was so stupid.  So, so stupid.

So I sit here, paralyzed by fear.  By the unknown.  I used to be strong and sure of myself.  I'm not anymore and I hate it.  I feel weak, lost, unlovable.  I don't have any fight left.

I just want to go home.
But I have no home to go.


Audra said...

Oh Casey. I'm so sorry you are dealing with all this. Here are some thoughts-

1. Are you able to qualify for disability? I honestly have no idea how this works, and I know my aunt was denied it once, and had to appeal and was granted as she is unable to work.
2. Are you able to petition for your children to stay in the same district, even if you move elsewhere? I know some districts allow this, but you have to provide your own transportation.
3. The debt- If this is marital, couldn't this be part of a divorce settlement?
4. The biggest thing, and I know there's no way to not feel this way, but you aren't a failure. You're dealing with circumstances you weren't able to foresee, circumstances you were dealt against your wishes. I'm sure your kids will understand when they are of an age to understand.

Sending lots of hugs!!

Shannon said...

Audra had some good suggestions. I think you should look in detail at all your options. Staying can't be the only option. I know you want the kids to be happy and you feel limited based on that, but it's not fair to you to stay in this situation, and you matter too. You mentioned maybe going to see a counselor. Were you able to do that? They may be able to help with how to deal with the kids. I do hope you are able to find a way out. It's clear this isn't a good situation for you. :(

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry Casey. I've wondered if you were in an emotionally abusive relationship and I'm sorry to hear that you are. Maybe seeing a therapist would help you figure out your options. There are always options, one of course is to stay and another is to leave -- but between those two are many things to consider and maybe a specialist that knows about services available to you would be a good starting point. Also, now might be the time to look into disability; while you've got someone else providing support to the household.
I don't have a solution but know that I do hold you in my thoughts even though we've never met IRL. Everyone deserves happiness and no one deserves abuse or mistreatment.
Elizabeth S