But now......(well...even then) I have a medical condition that makes working a full time job impossible so I have ended up being dependent on someone. In my relationship with D, I didn't feel dependent. I felt we were a team, a unit, a family. Today, in this world I find myself in? I'm nothing more than a convenience at best and an inconvenience at worst. Days and weeks go by when I wonder what I am doing. Why do I stay?
The kids. Right.
They don't want to move, or change schools. Well..to be fair, I think the moving would be ok but the changing schools, especially for Kelton, is a no go.
And where would I go? I've given tight to going to the DSHS office to see what options are available. Is there (and I can't believe I'm saying this) section 8 housing available out here in this school district?
And here is where I stumble: this is NOT the life I promised those helpless babies when I held them in my arms. I promised them a family, stability, having their needs met, having their wants as life allowed. Having their two parents, who dreamed them into existence, be with them, together, until they were ready to be on their own.
I have failed so much. I am a great mom to them but I know I have let them down in ways they won't understand until they are older.
If I could have anything I wanted I'd ask for a permanent home for just the three of us, in the school district they are in, money to pay the bills and food in the cabinets. I don't want for much....just the freedom to be me with the two of them.
Not worrying if today is the day I will say, or do something that will bring about mean words, cruel silence for days. Emotional abuse.
Oh and right....the debt I allowed to be accumulated in my name? I want that gone, too. I was so stupid. So, so stupid.
So I sit here, paralyzed by fear. By the unknown. I used to be strong and sure of myself. I'm not anymore and I hate it. I feel weak, lost, unlovable. I don't have any fight left.
I just want to go home.
But I have no home to go.