No words

I think about writing often and yet...there never seems to be words.

I'm working on finding my words again.

So much has changed me.  Maybe that's a good thing?  Since it feels like I wasn't "right" or "enough" before.  Or maybe it's because I had a sense of self.  Ideas on how I wanted my life to be but because they held no value to the person they should have been valued by, I gave up.  Clearly I don't know how this relationship thing works.

So here I am again.  Trying to make sense of things.  Scared to death of being who I am....or who I was.  I'm not sure who I am any more.  I remember feeling happy.  Many other feelings too, as a mom alone with two small ones but the days held joy.

It's rare a day holds joy.

What happened?  Did I really just give up on myself?

Nothing feels right.  Nothing feels like it's better.  There are moments, yes.....but so many moments of no.  I have no sense of who I am.  What I want.  What I'm capable of.  I don't see a future.

I used to see a future.  It was a good one.

My kids.  They make me happy.  They bring light into a room.  I'd be lost with them.

But it's weird.  I used to be so confident, strong, sure of who I was and how I moved in the world.

I feel like that has been beaten out of me somehow.  Not physically......but it's gone and in its place is so much fear, self doubt, insecurity.

Where is the girl who on a whim drove 12 hours from WA to CA to spend two days with someone they just met?  Where is the girl who wasn't afraid to speak to people?

I miss her.

Facebook

Do you all follow me on Facebook?  Just curious.

You can find me under Casey McCafferty Duncan-Johnson.

Some times.....

...I don't even know why I try.

And some days, I just want to stop trying.

Nothing I do it right...for anyone.

I constantly disappoint someone.

I get forgotten in the shuffle.

I don't feel special or important.

I'm a means to an end.  A ride to soccer.  A ride to friends.  A house cleaner.  An expected cook...which I fail at miserably because I hate to cook and never once pretended otherwise.

I'm not allowed to eat without comments of how I should cook for everyone.  And yet...rarely ever does anyone cook for me.  They just go get themselves food without asking if I would like some.  But God forbid if I do the same.

Food had become a battle ground.

My refusal to be a taxi driver at a moments notice inconveniences everyone.

Rarely does anyone ask how I am.

I paste on a fake smile and just keep moving.

I want someone to go out to of their way for ME.

I want someone to be interested in what I have to say instead of the sighs and clear message that I am interrupting something they are doing.m something clearly more important than me.

I'm tired.  I feel defeated. Lost. Alone.

I wonder often what I would do if I won some sweepstakes and came into a lot of money. I entered the Publishers Clearing House sweepstakes.  I need the dream.  I need feel like I have possiblities.

Dreams.  Hope.

And right now...in this dark moment....I feel like I have nothing.

Wow

I have to say, your comments surprised me.  I had no idea my blog would still be in radars.  It seems like everyone had left blogging for the world of Facebook.  Thank you for commenting back.  What a nice thing to wake up to this morning.

I'm hoping to get back to blogging.  I opened up a new blog a while back but never got far with that one either.  I guess it's a case of not being sure what I can/should write about.

Blogging, over the years, have been the best thing and one of the worst things.  The worst of times was five years ago when I not only lost the relationship I thought I would have for the rest of my life, but also almost my entire circle of mom friends.  It's been lonely, that's for sure.

I'm 50 now.  Kelton just turned 13 and Kaylen is 10.  My life looks absolutely nothing like I thought it would, all those years ago when I dreamed of children and family.  I think it's fair to say that. Out everyone, when looking back over time, sees the times gone by as "better days" or "happier times" and Im trying to wrap my head around whether that is true (because those early childhood years didn't feel easy at the time but they feel like they would be a piece of cake from where I sit now) or whether it's all just perspective.

Some days It's long to have a button to rewind to the beginning and start again.  Maybe taking the knowledge I have today with me...but maybe not.  Blissfully ignorant might be best.  

There was a time I believed in happily ever after.  I don't believe in it now but that leaves me wondering what I DO believe in.  Clearly the universe has made it clear over the years that my definition of happily ever after isn't a very popular one.  

I don't know,  as you can see......I don't know much of anything right now.

Thanks for still being there.

After the Happily Ever After

My life.....it is nothing like I dreamed it would be all those years ago when I was bright eyed and looking at walking down the aisle (the first time).  Where am I now?  I'm not sure.

What does a midlife crisis feel like?

What happened to the friends I used to have?

What happened to my tiny children who are now almost, or taller, than me already?

What happened to happily ever after?

What happened to all the dreams?

What happened to me?

What in the world happened to me?