Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Sixth Sense

No...not in the "I see dead people" way but in the third eye, psychic, gut feeling type way.

I have always had a sixth sense about people. Always. It has been a blessing in my life for as far back as I can remember. I can see someone and know almost instantly if they are someone I want to invite into my life or if they are someone who is filled with drama or, as is the case sometimes, evil. Now don't get all righteous on me...evil can take many forms and doesn't always mean pure satanical evil. It can also mean a bad person with bad intents. It can mean a person who walks on the edge between good and evil. It can even mean a selfish person who is incapable of putting someone, or something, above themselves. Whatever definition you want to assign to the word, it defines people I do not want, and should not have, in my life.

Because of this sixth sense, I have been fortunate to get to know, and surround myself, with many amazingly wonderful people. People who care about others and are, at their heart of hearts, kind and loving. And I have been lucky enough to avoid, for the most part, getting hurt by people and the things they do.

Being fortunate, though, has not always the case. There have been times when I have ignored the warnings my body and mind scream at me. Times I tell myself that my instincts cannot possibly be true because I want so much to believe that someone is a good fit for my life...friend wise, employer wise, partner wise, etc. I want to believe the words they speak even when their actions, and body language tell another story. I tell myself they couldn't possible mean or believe what they just said. I try to convince myself that they are young, or just not informed enough, to understand the basics of life. The basics of how to treat other people.

There are times I try to give people the benefit of the doubt......except every part of me knows there is no doubt.

Some people are just not good people. There are people who do not deserve to be in my life. Not that I think I am superior to people...up on a pedestal...but let's face it, not everyone in the world is worthy of our time, our friendship, our love, our commitment, our trust. While they might be a good fit for someone else, they are just not a good fit for ME.

I can easily share with you stories of how this is true...from both angles. Times I listened and was proven right. And times I didn't listen and either was hurt or had to hurt someone. Neither is a fun place to be.

It doesn't take long for people close to me to begin to see the truth in my ability to tell good people from not so good people. I know it probably comes off as very judgmental in the beginning but as time goes on, it will prove itself over and over and before long, they believe in my ability.

For instance, Dakota, after seeing it in action a few times, asked me to walk by the office window were a potential supervisor was being interviewed. It took me seconds to get a read on him. I told her about my less than favorable impression. The department hired him and within months, everything I had told her, and more, came to light. It was one of the worst hiring decisions and had an impact department-wide for a long time before they could get him out.

Another time, I became involved with someone and ignored every single red flag my body and mind threw and it was the worst decision of my life. It took me on an 18 month trip to hell and back. I was very young...22 years old... I hurt people in the process of that one and, far more importantly, I hurt myself and it took me a long time to recover from it. I still have a hard time forgiving myself for it and it was 25 some odd years ago.

When I met the person I dated before meeting Stephanie I had major warnings going off. Every single cell in my body was screaming. Loudly. I went home from the first date and, because Dakota was staying at the house on her weekends with the kids (remember that oh so fun early year in the divorce?), I sat with her and verbally dissected the meeting of this person. I remember distinctly saying that this person might make an ok friend but there was no way she was someone I wanted too close to my life. A relationship with her was definitely off the table. I was listening to my instincts. But no one else was. Everyone started pressuring me to see her again...after all, she appeared to be a good person with good morals. I kept saying I didn't see it that way....I didn't want to, etc. between the person in question and those around me, I gave in and gave her another chance. And another. I would tell her it wasn't going to work, I would break up with her and then take her back because she was so unhappy and it sucks to hurt someone. Not to mention I was in a position of not trusting myself because of the divorce and not seeing what was happening before it got to the point of no return and for trusting that marriage was forever no matter what. To say I was struggling with trusting my instincts is an understatement. And it didn't help that everyone kept telling me that she was such a nice person and we would make a good couple.

She was nice enough. She was not, however, a good fit for me. In any way, shape, or form. And in the end, as it always does, the truth won out.

With Stephanie, I had people telling me it wasn't a good fit. Too much baggage. Not right for me. But the more time I spent with her in the months where we weren't dating and only getting to know each other as friends, the more my gut was screaming she was a good fit...that she was a great person. Yes, she had had a rough life but at the heart of it. She was kind, and loving, and good. I let her talk and talk and talk and I listened closely. And watched closely. When the time came to make a decision on being in or out of a relationship with her, there were no real flags on the play in sight. It was right then and there that I had to make a choice to trust my own instincts or to listen to other people. Clearly, I went with my instincts. That's not to say its been perfect without hiccups here and there but, in my heart and in my soul, I know she is a good fit for me. And I know I am good for her.

There have been times when I accepted employment positions which I knew were terrible fits. One time I knew in the first interview that I did not want to work in that office. With every fiber of my being I knew it was bad. Second interview came. Then the call offering it to me. I didn't want it but had no other options on the table. I told them I had just been offered another position for more money. They topped my imaginary salary and I accepted the offer. The next day I was offered a position in a mortgage company for even more money than my imaginary offer. I declined because, at the time, I thought I should stay true to my word with the doctors office. It was, to date, the worst job I ever held. I still regret that decision. And I wonder what path my career would have taken.

So....long story short....I do my level best now to trust my gut. As a result, I have few "true friends" in real life but the friends I do have are amazing people who would protect me, help me, care for and about me, and be there whenever I needed them. And I know they know the same is true for me. There is nothing I wouldn't do for them ( know, within the confines of laws and morality). I do not have fake people in my life. I do not have drama from my true friends. I have no need to drama.

Drama touches my life, of course. I don't live in a bubble though sometimes I wish I did. But I find the drama stems from those people who raised red flags from the beginning. People who are on the periphery on my life because its not like I only have contact with people who are a good fit, I do live in the real world and need to deal with all sorts of people. Deal with. Not let into the inner circle of my life. Some of them may even think we are friends but I keep them at arms length. They trigger too many red flags. I am careful with what I share. Careful with how close they get.

Because when I am not, I always regret it. I'm having one of the times lately. I regret letting someone too close to something I cherish and I have been standing by, watching it become less and less of what it was....and much less than what it could be. Especially right now. It's hard for me because I let it happen and now there is nothing I can do about it. It is something else I will regret for a long, long time because I didn't listen to my sixth sense as it screamed at me.

So what go me thinking all these things this afternoon? Because someone posted the below graphic on Facebook and it struck a chord with what is happening in the situation of which I speak.

Gut instincts. Sixth sense. Psychic ability. Whatever you want to call it. It's real and I have it in a major way. And I am grateful every day of my life. Now if I would stop giving red flag people the benefit of the doubt, all would be good, :)

No comments: