My Facebook post today went a little like this: "Wow. December. Again. How?"
And yes, that is how I am feeling. How in the world can it be December again already? Sometimes I can hear my grandmother's voice saying "Stop trying to speed things up. Just wait. The older you get, the faster time will go."
Score one for Grandma. She sure nailed that one.
Right now, my life is threatening to overwhelm me. Yes, again. Maybe it's still. I don't know. But whatever the case, there it is. The day to day, while certainly enough to keep me busy and wondering how I will get it all done, isn't so bad. It's the emotional parts that get me. And this time of year? It's filled with emotional parts. Let's not forget my posting from December 1, 2009. The holidays? They are definitely NOT what they used to be. But they are what I choose to make it so I'm trying. God knows I'm trying.
Kaylen wants to know why I haven't wrapped their gifts and put them under the tree yet. After all, she says, trees are prettier with presents under them. Touche, young one, touche. I told her I just haven't had time yet. Maybe I will wrap a couple things this weekend and slide them under there as a surprise for when they come back home Sunday. I just don't want them to get used to looking at the few things I have for them and thinking "That's it?" because yes, that is it. From me, at least. Santa will have something for each of them. Dakota and Vicki will have some for them. Stephanie will have a gift for each. Other family gifts will be received at family gatherings.
I still need to find a way to let them know there will be no Christmas stocking for me this year. I've been working on the backstory....you know, money problems across the world so Santa is asking parents if it is ok if he skips filling their stocking this year so that there is more for the kids. I don't know. I'm wishing like heck we never let them believe that Santa fills Mommy's stocking too. *sigh* But that's life. It won't always be like this but it is what it is.
I don't have a lot of questions about what to get people in my life this year because there isn't money for that. Pictures of the kids just might have to do. On one hand, it's kind of nice to not have to worry about things like "what is the best ps3 game to get someone" or "Gosh - will they like this thing I found for them?" On the other hand....it sucks. My biggest worry is the kids. Which is what my biggest worry should be - and has been.
It's hard - this time of year. Yesterday I spent a few good hours under my covers coming out to brave the world at either end to take care of kids and chores and whatnot. I don't regret taking some hours to hide. I find there are just days I need to hide. And cry. Licking my wounds, as it were, for a few hours (maybe a day or two) here and there help me get back to facing the world.
And facing the world is something I always get back to.
Ready. Or not.