Dancing on the Edge

Who Am I?

Sounds profound, doesn't it? It's not. It's so much more simple than that. Up here, with my family and everyone connected to them, I am Tricia. It is the name I was given at birth.

About 13 (plus) years ago, I legally changed my name to Casey (and then changed my last name to Dakota's last name and changed my middle name to my birth last name. Confusing, no?). Just to further complicate things, Dakota, at the same time (both name changes where in stages before we met) was changing her name from Cynthia (Cindy) to Dakota.

So - here, in Seattle, people call me Tricia and back home, Dakota's family calls her Cindy (though they do try to use Dakota most of the time). The kids, well, Kelton at least, know this little thing and is used to us having two names - depending on where we are.

But it's confusing for me. Whenever I introduce myself to someone hospice nurse, pastor, etc) I feel my head spin a little as I quickly sort through "who am I to this person"? It's a weird feeling. The kids still call me Casey when they refer to me which I know confuses people but I just don't feel like explaining.

Way back when, when I told my mom about changing my name, she said "I'm not surprised. You have always said you hated your name and wished it was something else." At that time I'm sure I was wanting it to be Jennifer or Julie (they were my two favorite names when I was a child). :)

I'm feeling very identity-confused. Who am I? *sigh* I know I'm Tricia to my family and that's ok. It's just so weird to say "And I'm Tricia, the other daughter." when that's not who I really am. Or am I?

On another note, yesterday evening I noticed that Kaylen was starting to develop a runny nose. By 10pm it was a full-fledged stuffy-runny nose. Yep - another cold. Great. Didn't she just get over one as we arrived up here? Yeah - I thought so.

My mom isn't doing well at all. She is in bed full time now, sleeping a lot, confused because of the morphine and anti-anxiety drugs. It's hard to see her like this - I don't want this part for her at all. The hospice nurse says it could be in the next hour or it could be a couple weeks yet. Her main caregiver says she anticipates seeing something radically change by weeks end. Only time will tell.

The kids are all over the place with their behavior and emotions. That's hard for me, too. I don't like seeing them this way and knowing it's because they are feeling so displaced and adrift. I try to maintain a sense of schedule but really - it's just a joke. There is no schedule and I know that my two thrive in the confines of a schedule and routine and they don't have that right now which equates to rough moments/days.

Dakota's first final is today. Please take a moment and telepathically wish her great success on this one and the next two.

I have no word on her dad since this weekend. He is undergoing radiation to reduce the pain level. It will take 3 weeks (I believe) to complete. After that, I'm not sure of the game plan.

She is busy putting feelers out all over the place for employment opportunities. I'm actually quite impressed with the sheer number of people she is contacting and the positive responses she is receiving. Something good is bound to come from all that hard work and dedication.

So that's it's from here. Hope everyone is having a good week.