The Last

I attended my very last elementary school conference.  How can this be?  How could the years from Kelton entering kindergarten to Kaylen ending her 5th grade year gone *this* fast?  So much, oh so much has happened in those years.  Not all good, not all bad.  But what I would give to go back to the day I left a five year old teary Kelton in his kindergarten room.  That day that I went home and cried for the three hours he was away from me.  Yes.  Let's go back to that day and start over.  It's just gone by so fast.

Movie Day!

We had a special outing today.  A very sweet friend of mine gifted us with a trip to the movies a little while ago and I have been waiting to use it.  Today, we went to see the movie Zootopia.  We had so much fun!  I haven't been to a movie in years (yes....you read that right.  Years.) so it was a little bit like walking into fantasy land.  It was the theater by our old house which brought back a lot of good memories.

And then....as if that wasn't enough fun, as we were walking in I heard "Casey! Casey!"  Another one of my sweet friend (Erin) was there with her girls.  There is nothing like a hug from a good friend.  :). We stood and talked until we were forced to take our seats for the previews.  So much fun!!!!  

After the movie, we stopped by 7-11 because they are running a promotion this weekend where if you bring in a container (no bigger than 10 inches in diameter) you can fill it up with a slurpee for $1.50.  Before we left the house, the kids scrambled to find containers big enough (and of course they couldn't finish their slurpees but whatever - they had a blast!).

All in all, it was a really good day. Minus the sensory meltdown Kaylen had at the beginning of the movie.  She started flipping out and I couldn't figure out why.  She curled up against me and cried, begging to go home. I finally remembered her sensory issues when it comes to a place with a lot of loud noise, a lot of people and too much stimulus.  I reminded her what was probably going on and that seemed to calm her down a lot.  It took almost all the preview time for her to settle down but then she was good.  It's odd when sensory issue things pop up when I had all but forgotten that a particular thing was ever an issue.  We really have made progress over the years.  :)

(I want to give a HUGE hug and thank you to my friend who was kind enough to send us to a movie.  Thank you thank you thank you!!  It will make an awesome memory for us.  ❤️)

What a great day.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

The eternal question these days.  I wish so many things.....that I had never left my well paying job in Seattle after Kelton was born (but then again....being able to be with my babies full time was a gift I would NEVER wish away.  I was fortunate to be able to be there for them.  I don't take it for granted as it was amazing to watch them grow, I was able to be there for their firsts and being a stay at home mom was what I had dreamed of since I was a little girl.  I know how lucky I was.  I had a partner who supported that....until I didn't.  Until my dream of being a mom wasn't a big enough goal for someone else.

But now......(well...even then) I have a medical condition that makes working a full time job impossible so I have ended up being dependent on someone.  In my relationship with D, I didn't feel dependent.  I felt we were a team, a unit, a family.  Today, in this world I find myself in?  I'm nothing more than a convenience at best and an inconvenience at worst.  Days and weeks go by when I wonder what I am doing.  Why do I stay?

The kids.  Right.

They don't want to move, or change schools.  Well..to be fair, I think the moving would be ok but the changing schools, especially for Kelton, is a no go.

And where would I go?  I've given tight to going to the DSHS office to see what options are available.  Is there (and I can't believe I'm saying this) section 8 housing available out here in this school district?

And here is where I stumble:  this is NOT the life I promised those helpless babies when I held them in my arms.  I promised them a family, stability, having their needs met, having their wants as life allowed. Having their two parents, who dreamed them into existence, be with them, together, until they were ready to be on their own.

I have failed so much.  I am a great mom to them but I know I have let them down in ways they won't understand until they are older.

If I could have anything I wanted I'd ask for a permanent home for just the three of us, in the school district they are in, money to pay the bills and food in the cabinets.  I don't want for much....just the freedom to be me with the two of them.

Not worrying if today is the day I will say, or do something that will bring about mean words, cruel silence for days.  Emotional abuse.

Oh and right....the debt I allowed to be accumulated in my name?  I want that gone, too.  I was so stupid.  So, so stupid.

So I sit here, paralyzed by fear.  By the unknown.  I used to be strong and sure of myself.  I'm not anymore and I hate it.  I feel weak, lost, unlovable.  I don't have any fight left.

I just want to go home.

But I have no home to go.