Thursday, April 28, 2016

My Mind is Whirling

Yeah.  Welcome to my cluttered mind.  I have so much swirling around that I can't even capture a clear shot.  It's just been one of those days where you "feel" something in the air but you can't define it.  You can't see it.  It's just "there".  And it doesn't feel good.  Just the opposite, in fact.

As Kaylen would say on a day like this "I'm really sad and I feel like I am going to cry but I just don't know why."  I've got that one beat.  I've already cried today and I'm pretty sure I will do it again.

I've started listening to old CDs that are in my car: Taylor Swift, P!nk, Rascle Flatts, Lady Antebellum, etc.  Songs I used to blast back in the early days of being left.  There is beauty, strength, and oh so much pain in the words, in the music.  One nice thing is I can blast them now and Kaylen, who was four at the time, can still sing every single word.  Proud parenting moment?  Maybe.  Maybe not.  You be the judge.

In the past 11 years I have lost SO much and to be fair, what I may have gained doesn't even come close to balancing the scale.  The truth is, the scale is so completely unbalanced I don't even know how I'm still standing.  But then....AM I still standing?  Maybe it is all an illusion.

I remember when I was little and I would wonder if life was really just one long dream that someone else was having,  was any of it real?  Kind of a real Horton Hears a Who quandary.  Well....if this is all just a dream, I'd like whoever the dreamer is to wake up and set me free.  Sure, sure...there have been some pretty amazing and spectacular times in my live, overall.  My kids, to be sure, and I would never wish them away.  I'm just saying.....if it's a dream, it wouldn't be real anyway, right?

Mother's Day is coming up.  This is terrible, but I dread Mothers Day.  This year the kids won't be with me which makes me sad.  I love Kelton and Kaylen's attempts to make it super special.  Mother's Day is coupled with my dad's birthday and my mom's passing.  Nine years ago I spent my 6th Mother's Day clearing out my mother's belongings from the adult home where my parents had been staying and moving my dad into his new apartment in a retirement community.  Good time all around.

I'm at Kaypens gymnastics class right now and my head is being filled with little voices and coaches corrections.  I guess this is a good place to stop and maybe tomorrow things will make more sense.

I do have another post I can easily write but I am still processing.  And there is a LOT to process.

Life goes on.  Some keeps going on.

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