They say that you never really appreciate your mother until you have children of your own. Before kids, I didn't understand that *at all* but now, almost 6 years into the parenthood journey, I do. Only, my mom isn't around to share in that revelation.
Today is one of those days when I miss my mom. Really miss my mom. Why is today any different? I have no clue. Maybe because of a visiting mom/grandmother at the house were playgroup was held today. Or maybe because the conversation of moms came up (moms babysitting their grandchildren, etc.). I don't know why - all I know is I'm feeling very sad about not having a mom in my life.
I don't miss the mom I had that past few years, because of her illness she really wasn't "my mom" anymore and truthfully, she hadn't been the mom I am missing for many, many, many years. Probably most of my adult life. Does that makes any sense? Her illness started a long, long time ago and while we didn't have a name for it, it was clear she wasn't the mom she probably could have been. I don't mean that in a mean way - it certainly wasn't her fault.
What I mean to say, and can't quite articulate is I miss the mom who must have held me after I was born. The mom who would have moved mountains to make the world a safe place for her children. The mom who held my hands as I took my first steps, who helped me blow out my first candles and walked me to kindergarten. The mom who went to bat for me when necessary, read me stories and tucked me into bed. The mom who must have been proud of me just because I was her child. I miss the mom who would ask me about my day. Who would listen to my problems (when I shared them with her....). I even miss the mom who made me do a chapter of math each and every summer morning one year so that I would do better in math the next year at school. I miss the mom who made us pick apples, peel apples and help make jams and jellies and applesauce. I miss the mom who loved me as fiercely as I love my own kids and who would understand all the things I face daily with my kids. All the worries, frustrations and downright scary stuff that comes when you have kids to tend to, support and help grow into adults.
I miss a mom who would have answers or at the very least would say "I get it. I understand. I've been there and it is going to be ok. I'll be here always to help you however I can. No matter what."
I miss having the security of a mom.
Not for a single second do I think it wouldn't be complicated and messy and probably not at all like I imagine it might have been. I think all mother/daughter relationships can be but sometimes I ache so much for the mother I never had and the missed opportunity to ever have it.
Something else that I've discovered over the 10 months she has been gone is that parents, even if they aren't well and aren't the parents you need them to be, still offer a measure of security against the world, small as it might be. I think I am missing that "mom security".
I have so many questions I would like to ask her. Being a mom is hard. Being a grown up is really hard. And I wish I could talk with her about it.
11 comments:
Sometimes I still try to reach out for my mother who has been gone for 3 years.....it's so hard to believe. I still catch myself thinking "I'll call and ask Mom".
But I'm a Mom and it helps me to realize how much I'm needed as a Mom....even to girls who are 25 and 30.
Keep on doing what you're doing......
I wish I had some magic words to help you right now. I think it's perfectly natural to have moments like these--they're definitely not easy, but they are part of the grieving process. We can't take the place of your mom, and would never try. But, we are moms, and we are your friends, and we're here to tell you that it will be OK.
I understand what you mean....I lost my mom when I was 16....so I never had my mom when my children were growing up.....I am sad to say I never missed my mom...until NOW.....can you believe it??? When my daughter was pregnant with my first grand daughter we went shopping for baby stuff……bed, changing table etc….I can’t believe it but I just stated to cry……because when I went through this when I was pregnant I didn’t have my mom to help me…and sometimes when I am with my granddaughters it makes me sad to think of all that my mom had missed…plus look at what I had missed out on with out a mother…and what my children missed out on without a grandmother…thanks Casey now I’m sad…
I can so understand this, even though I have not lost my mom. There is something about that relationship that is always binding, and when we become moms, I think it's even more so. I'm thinking warm thoughts for you.
Oh Casey. I'm sending you great big cyber hugs today (but gently so as to not hurt your back).
Library Mary: Thanks for coming by and for commenting. And thank you for understanding. I am sorry that you have to miss your mom too.
Sheri: Thanks, Sheri.
Mimi: I'm sorry - I didn't mean to make you sad. :(
Tracey: Thank you.
Kristen: Thanks.
My mom is coming on Sunday for a week to begin the birthday celebrations. We'll share my bed the whole time she's here. She is my best audience. No one laughs at my jokes as much as she does. I will feel extra lucky to have her around after reading this.
Casey - a big, giant HUG for you right now. And I'm with Sheri - you have friends (who are moms too) that love you and support you!
You described beautifully a mother's love. :(
{{{hugs}}}
I am a New York Times bestselling author working on a new book about mother-daughter relationships and thought you might want to contribute. Please visit my page for details about submitting stories for Mom's Little Angel.
Gregory E. Lang
Author, “Daddy’s Little Girl” and “Why a Daughter Needs a Dad”
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