Today
It's raining today. It seems appropriate as this is the day we bury my mom.
I am motherless. It's such a bizarre concept.
Just breathe.
Saturday, May 19, 2007
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
The Everett Herald Obituary
Here is another obit for my mom. This one has a picture and I have to say, I like the write up format they use much better than the on-line Seattle Times version. The photo is one of my favorites of her as it's how she looks when I picture her in my mind. The whole photo has my dad in it too.
Oh shoot...I'll just post the real picture here.
I had a rough time sleeping last night. Could it be that it's all starting to be real?
Here is another obit for my mom. This one has a picture and I have to say, I like the write up format they use much better than the on-line Seattle Times version. The photo is one of my favorites of her as it's how she looks when I picture her in my mind. The whole photo has my dad in it too.
Oh shoot...I'll just post the real picture here.
I had a rough time sleeping last night. Could it be that it's all starting to be real?
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Already posted on-line
I just checked The Seattle Times obit page and found my mom's listing. Wow.
Wow.
I just checked The Seattle Times obit page and found my mom's listing. Wow.
Wow.
*sigh* I can't believe Gilmore Girls is over. I am so going to miss this show - it's been a constant Tuesday night companion for seven years. SEVEN YEARS! Do you know how many changes in my life I have gone through in seven years? And yet - there were a few things I could always count on to hold rock steady and Gilmore Girls was one of them. This is so not right. So not.
But in other news.....remember that video montage I told you that I had made for my mom's funeral reception? The pastor would like to play it during the service instead of just having it in a corner of the fellowship hall afterwards. Eeeek! I think it's cool but at the same time it's freaking me out a bit. Front and center is definitely a big jump from the small obscure corner I had pictured.
We are meeting the pastor tomorrow to go over details of the service. Tomorrow is also the first day the obituary runs in the papers. That is going to be so surreal to see.
Monday, May 14, 2007
Another Day; Another Park
This morning I dropped Kelton off at his cousin's house and then Kaylen and I met Lannon, James and Cara at the florist to order flowers for the funeral. I am amused at how people react to us. We are not your average mourning family, I guess. We tend to crack stupid jokes and use some dark humor. Everyone copes in their own ways and for us - around other people (and each other for the most part) we keep things light. I'm not one to cry in front of other people - and especially not strangers. Once people figure us out a bit, they too are much more lighthearted about things. I mean seriously people - I can only cry so much. My eyes are killing me and I have had a splitting headache for days and that is just for all the times I tear up and choke it all back. I can't imagine crying all day every day.
Anyway...we picked out the flowers and I returned to pick up Kelton. On the way I decided to take the kids to Build-A-Bear Workshop at the Alderwood Mall (which is just a couple blocks from our hotel).
They had a blast and were so well behaved!! I had thought they would choose the less expensive animals but oh no! Not my two. They each fell in love with $20 bears and then had to get a sound thingy and clothes. Oh but the joy on their little faces - it was all worth it. Keltons' has shoes, too but given that it's bedtime and I sneaked the bears out of their beds, the shoes are not on. Kaylen's, of course, is wearing princess clothes. And what did they name their new friends? Rocky for the Kelton's and Princess for Kaylen's. :)
We came back to the hotel for lunch and then it was off to yet another park. We are staying only about 10 minutes from the house Dakota and I owned from 1996-2002 and there is a neighborhood park that we would often visit. It has a huge wooded area perfect for a long walk as well as a play area. The park isn't in the best of shape right now and I think the play area is waaaaay too close to the road (something I never noticed before since we didn't have a child yet) but the kids still had a good time.
We also drove by our old house. Incredibly, 5 years later, it looks exactly the same. The planter box I had on the porch is still there, so is the squirrel feeder, the bricking around the garden that we put in and the address number plaque that I made. We hung the shutters, the front door and the screen door. It is kind of trippy - like stepping back in time. The trees are bigger but basically - it's the same. I couldn't help myself - I just had to take a picture.
That house has a lot of memories tied up in it. It's where I broke my back and it's to where we brought Kelton home from the hospital. So many memories. So many.
So that's been today.
(PS..Wow. I just noticed the date. May 14th. The kids and I have been up here for one entire calendar month. We arrived April 14th (Kelton's 5th birthday). And that, of course, means my mom has been not part of this world for 3 days. 84 hours, to be exact. Feels like so much longer - on both counts.)
This morning I dropped Kelton off at his cousin's house and then Kaylen and I met Lannon, James and Cara at the florist to order flowers for the funeral. I am amused at how people react to us. We are not your average mourning family, I guess. We tend to crack stupid jokes and use some dark humor. Everyone copes in their own ways and for us - around other people (and each other for the most part) we keep things light. I'm not one to cry in front of other people - and especially not strangers. Once people figure us out a bit, they too are much more lighthearted about things. I mean seriously people - I can only cry so much. My eyes are killing me and I have had a splitting headache for days and that is just for all the times I tear up and choke it all back. I can't imagine crying all day every day.
Anyway...we picked out the flowers and I returned to pick up Kelton. On the way I decided to take the kids to Build-A-Bear Workshop at the Alderwood Mall (which is just a couple blocks from our hotel).
They had a blast and were so well behaved!! I had thought they would choose the less expensive animals but oh no! Not my two. They each fell in love with $20 bears and then had to get a sound thingy and clothes. Oh but the joy on their little faces - it was all worth it. Keltons' has shoes, too but given that it's bedtime and I sneaked the bears out of their beds, the shoes are not on. Kaylen's, of course, is wearing princess clothes. And what did they name their new friends? Rocky for the Kelton's and Princess for Kaylen's. :)We came back to the hotel for lunch and then it was off to yet another park. We are staying only about 10 minutes from the house Dakota and I owned from 1996-2002 and there is a neighborhood park that we would often visit. It has a huge wooded area perfect for a long walk as well as a play area. The park isn't in the best of shape right now and I think the play area is waaaaay too close to the road (something I never noticed before since we didn't have a child yet) but the kids still had a good time.
We also drove by our old house. Incredibly, 5 years later, it looks exactly the same. The planter box I had on the porch is still there, so is the squirrel feeder, the bricking around the garden that we put in and the address number plaque that I made. We hung the shutters, the front door and the screen door. It is kind of trippy - like stepping back in time. The trees are bigger but basically - it's the same. I couldn't help myself - I just had to take a picture.
That house has a lot of memories tied up in it. It's where I broke my back and it's to where we brought Kelton home from the hospital. So many memories. So many.
So that's been today.
(PS..Wow. I just noticed the date. May 14th. The kids and I have been up here for one entire calendar month. We arrived April 14th (Kelton's 5th birthday). And that, of course, means my mom has been not part of this world for 3 days. 84 hours, to be exact. Feels like so much longer - on both counts.)
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Crazy Times
It's been a strange few days. Friday the kids were buckled into their car seats and I was just putting the key in the ignition when James called to say my mom was gone. I'm ok about not being there for the actual event - I had already said my goodbyes ( a couple times) but it was still a shock to hear the words. Her pastor had arrived, said a prayer and right after "Amen" he said "She's gone." I'm happy for her that he was there to help her move on - he had been a regular fixture in the house the last 7 weeks so it feels right that he was there when it happened. He's a great guy and I really enjoyed the time I had spent with him and I know that he will take good care of my dad as Dad navigates through his grief.
Yesterday James, Lannon, Cara, my dad and I went to the funeral home to make arrangements. Holy smoke! What it costs to die is amazing!!! I knew it was expensive but wowsa! I'm not sure how people afford it - it was really mind blowing. $1200 for just walking in the door and sitting down with the people. And it just added on at every turn. My parents had done some pre-planning (and pre-paying) which was nice. No guessing as what type of headstone she wanted, that's for sure. :) But even so...the dollar amount made my head spin. And it isn't a final cost yet - there are still flowers to order, etc. Yikes.
I have to say though - the funeral home we are going through (the same place our entire family always uses) sure could use a method that was more time effecient. It took us 2.5 hours to do what really could have been done in about an hour. It was a bit crazy. I'm sure some people like all that time and whatnot but I'm thinking there are probably others (like us) who would be much more satisfied with an "express" service. Maybe electronic instead of handwritten. I joked about needing a kiosk...just walk up and select what services/products you would like. :)
The funeral service will be Saturday. Graveside in Seattle at 11:00 and then the church service in Everett at 1:00 with the reception to follow. The obituary will be in the Seattle Times/PI and the Everett Herald on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.
Today we met at the adult family home and packed up all my parents things and moved them to my dad's new apartment. It was weird. I thought it would be no big deal to walk into the house and go down the hall to their room but boy was I wrong. I didn't even make it half way down the hall before I had to go back outside to cry and get myself together. I spent a lot of time in the recent weeks sitting in that bedroom next to my moms bed and now....well..she wasn't there and it really rocked me.
Early last week I put the finishing touches on the video montage I created from photos spanning the time from my mom being an infant to just a couple weeks ago. It's 14 minutes 26 seconds long and (I think) really good. I burned it onto DVD's and gave copies to Lannon and James so they can watch (and have my dad watch) a few times before the funeral reception where it will be shown.
Dakota went home tonight and will be back Thursday afternoon. Even though we don't have the vacation time to spare, I really need her up here a day earlier than she would normally have come. I wish she could have just stayed this week. It would have helped me a lot but, as always, I'll just do what I can on my own.
I notified the hotel of our check-out date; the four of us will head back home next Sunday. Together. It's been a long time coming.
Thank you all for your kind words. It meant so much to me. It's a crazy ride, that's for sure. It rocks me hard whenever I slow down enough to think.
My mom is dead.
It just doesn't compute for me.....yet.
It's been a strange few days. Friday the kids were buckled into their car seats and I was just putting the key in the ignition when James called to say my mom was gone. I'm ok about not being there for the actual event - I had already said my goodbyes ( a couple times) but it was still a shock to hear the words. Her pastor had arrived, said a prayer and right after "Amen" he said "She's gone." I'm happy for her that he was there to help her move on - he had been a regular fixture in the house the last 7 weeks so it feels right that he was there when it happened. He's a great guy and I really enjoyed the time I had spent with him and I know that he will take good care of my dad as Dad navigates through his grief.
Yesterday James, Lannon, Cara, my dad and I went to the funeral home to make arrangements. Holy smoke! What it costs to die is amazing!!! I knew it was expensive but wowsa! I'm not sure how people afford it - it was really mind blowing. $1200 for just walking in the door and sitting down with the people. And it just added on at every turn. My parents had done some pre-planning (and pre-paying) which was nice. No guessing as what type of headstone she wanted, that's for sure. :) But even so...the dollar amount made my head spin. And it isn't a final cost yet - there are still flowers to order, etc. Yikes.
I have to say though - the funeral home we are going through (the same place our entire family always uses) sure could use a method that was more time effecient. It took us 2.5 hours to do what really could have been done in about an hour. It was a bit crazy. I'm sure some people like all that time and whatnot but I'm thinking there are probably others (like us) who would be much more satisfied with an "express" service. Maybe electronic instead of handwritten. I joked about needing a kiosk...just walk up and select what services/products you would like. :)
The funeral service will be Saturday. Graveside in Seattle at 11:00 and then the church service in Everett at 1:00 with the reception to follow. The obituary will be in the Seattle Times/PI and the Everett Herald on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.
Today we met at the adult family home and packed up all my parents things and moved them to my dad's new apartment. It was weird. I thought it would be no big deal to walk into the house and go down the hall to their room but boy was I wrong. I didn't even make it half way down the hall before I had to go back outside to cry and get myself together. I spent a lot of time in the recent weeks sitting in that bedroom next to my moms bed and now....well..she wasn't there and it really rocked me.
Early last week I put the finishing touches on the video montage I created from photos spanning the time from my mom being an infant to just a couple weeks ago. It's 14 minutes 26 seconds long and (I think) really good. I burned it onto DVD's and gave copies to Lannon and James so they can watch (and have my dad watch) a few times before the funeral reception where it will be shown.
Dakota went home tonight and will be back Thursday afternoon. Even though we don't have the vacation time to spare, I really need her up here a day earlier than she would normally have come. I wish she could have just stayed this week. It would have helped me a lot but, as always, I'll just do what I can on my own.
I notified the hotel of our check-out date; the four of us will head back home next Sunday. Together. It's been a long time coming.
Thank you all for your kind words. It meant so much to me. It's a crazy ride, that's for sure. It rocks me hard whenever I slow down enough to think.
My mom is dead.
It just doesn't compute for me.....yet.
Happy Mother's Day!
And on a happy and uplifting note....Dakota made sure I had a really nice Mother's Day. I had gone out with the kids and picked up a card, a movie and a book for her but I had honestly thought she wouldn't think to pick anything up. Not because she isn't an amazing person but more because last week we agreed not to do anything since there was so much chaos taking place in our lives.
But surprise me she did!
I woke up to Kelton yelling "HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!!" I received three cards (!), a Starbuck's gift certificate and a Starbucks cup that I have been lusting over for months (it's the one that looks exactly like a Venti paper cup but it's ceramic. Just my coffee cup size...HUGE!). And even better - Dakota and Kelton had made me breakfast in bed. That was nice. Really nice!!
Sadly, because they let me sleep in a bit, we didn't have a lot of time to just enjoy the morning as we had to rush out to be at my parents old house to move the stuff to my dad's new apartment. Considering, though, that I had figured the day would be a non-event; I had a really great Mother's Day.
I hope all you mom's out there had a great day.
And on a happy and uplifting note....Dakota made sure I had a really nice Mother's Day. I had gone out with the kids and picked up a card, a movie and a book for her but I had honestly thought she wouldn't think to pick anything up. Not because she isn't an amazing person but more because last week we agreed not to do anything since there was so much chaos taking place in our lives.
But surprise me she did!
I woke up to Kelton yelling "HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!!" I received three cards (!), a Starbuck's gift certificate and a Starbucks cup that I have been lusting over for months (it's the one that looks exactly like a Venti paper cup but it's ceramic. Just my coffee cup size...HUGE!). And even better - Dakota and Kelton had made me breakfast in bed. That was nice. Really nice!!
Sadly, because they let me sleep in a bit, we didn't have a lot of time to just enjoy the morning as we had to rush out to be at my parents old house to move the stuff to my dad's new apartment. Considering, though, that I had figured the day would be a non-event; I had a really great Mother's Day.
I hope all you mom's out there had a great day.
Friday, May 11, 2007
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Status Quo
Another day come and gone. O2 level is lower, heart rate is higher but things are mostly the same. Her temp is holding steady at 101.4. They say she was awake for a few moments in the morning but mostly sleeping a deep sleep.
Today is my dad's 69th birthday so we all gathered at the house and had a party in my moms room. Well..not so much a "party" but we sang Happy Birthday, talked a bit and had the gift opening. We'll see if that is what she was holding out for.
We also moved a bunch of my dad's stuff from storage (where it was placed 8 months ago when they moved from their "independent/assisted living" place to the adult family home) to his new apartment. I think he will like it there - it's a retirement community but he has his own 2 bedroom apartment as well as access to meals in the dining room and all the great activities and outings that retirement communities provide. He doesn't need the care provided at an adult family home - that was for my mom so it just makes sense to move him back out into a retirement community to live. He is happy about the place and happier still that it means he can get another cat (his went to live with James and Cara when they moved 8 months ago).
Something good to look forward to. Always a good thing.
Tomorrow is Friday which means Dakota arrives for the weekend. I really thought we'd be going home on Sunday but my mom clearly had other ideas. *sigh* Dakota is taking her last final tonight and then she is out of school until late August. I'm bummed that we are missing out on the first week when she will be going home after work instead of going to school but I am hopeful that we will only be missing the first week.
I wish Dakota could just stay with us next week but alas, she is on the job trail (and doing well tracking down "leads") and well..it's not like we are swimming in vacation time anymore. So much for any sort of vacation this year. *sigh*
So there ya have it. Life from The Hampton Inn and Suites. Oh the excitement of it all.
Another day come and gone. O2 level is lower, heart rate is higher but things are mostly the same. Her temp is holding steady at 101.4. They say she was awake for a few moments in the morning but mostly sleeping a deep sleep.
Today is my dad's 69th birthday so we all gathered at the house and had a party in my moms room. Well..not so much a "party" but we sang Happy Birthday, talked a bit and had the gift opening. We'll see if that is what she was holding out for.
We also moved a bunch of my dad's stuff from storage (where it was placed 8 months ago when they moved from their "independent/assisted living" place to the adult family home) to his new apartment. I think he will like it there - it's a retirement community but he has his own 2 bedroom apartment as well as access to meals in the dining room and all the great activities and outings that retirement communities provide. He doesn't need the care provided at an adult family home - that was for my mom so it just makes sense to move him back out into a retirement community to live. He is happy about the place and happier still that it means he can get another cat (his went to live with James and Cara when they moved 8 months ago).
Something good to look forward to. Always a good thing.
Tomorrow is Friday which means Dakota arrives for the weekend. I really thought we'd be going home on Sunday but my mom clearly had other ideas. *sigh* Dakota is taking her last final tonight and then she is out of school until late August. I'm bummed that we are missing out on the first week when she will be going home after work instead of going to school but I am hopeful that we will only be missing the first week.
I wish Dakota could just stay with us next week but alas, she is on the job trail (and doing well tracking down "leads") and well..it's not like we are swimming in vacation time anymore. So much for any sort of vacation this year. *sigh*
So there ya have it. Life from The Hampton Inn and Suites. Oh the excitement of it all.
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
Ramblings and Photos
Yesterday and today James and Cara took the kids for the day so that I could stay with my mom. It's impossible to have the kids there now and besides, hanging around there for hours and hours isn't the best thing for them. They are much better off running wild at a park or something. I'm so lucky that James and Cara are enjoying spending time with them (even when Kelton forgets to wear his listening ears).
It's strange to have them away from me all day. Yesterday I had thought they were just going to the nearby park and then would be back but they ended up going to one park, then McDonald's for lunch, then another park and finally to my sister's house before returning. They were gone from 11-4 which is a long time for them to be away from me. They did great though.
Today they left around noon and returned around 4:30 and again they visited a park, McDonald's, the beach and another park.
Needless to say both nights they fell into their beds exhausted. Last night Kaylen stood in the bathroom calling "Bath Mommy! Bath!" She knows that bedtime follows bath and she was eager to be tucked in.
Yesterday I neglected to pass along my camera but today I remembered. Here are a few of the 146 pictures that Cara took. Too funny! :)
Here they are at the beach which is about 10 minutes from where my parents are:
And these are park and McDonald's pictures:
Tomorrow I am definitely picking up some sunscreen for these guys. My poor babies are a bit sunburned on their arms and faces. Who knew? When I packed to come up here (four and a half weeks ago) it was all about raincoats and long sleeves. This week I've had to pick up a few summer outfits. I didn't realize I would be here for the change in the season. Wow.
Have I mentioned that it's been a long 4 weeks? James and Lannon keep telling me that time is being counted in dog years during all this and I have to say, they are right! Seven dog years to every one human year....so what does that equate to in months? I'm too tired to figure it out but it's a lot.
Thanks to everyone for your prayers and thoughts. Today my mom didn't wake at all; not even when the caregiver and I tended to her hygiene or turned her. Not once did I see her eyes even flutter open. Today for the first time she looked mostly dead. It was weird. When she received her meds this afternoon she didn't wake either and that included choking on them (which was really hard to watch). Note to self: make sure that people know I want an IV port for medication when/if I ever get to this point. Meds by mouth (her desire was stated "by mouth or not at all") when you can no longer swallow worth a damn is not good. I get the not wanting to be hydrated to extend things but an IV port for meds seems reasonable to me....and downright necessary after seeing what I saw today. She has to have the drugs to be comfortable and yet choking to death on them seems so...........well... awful.
I'm praying that tonight she starts her new journey. Somehow I just KNOW the new place will be better than where she is right now.
Yesterday and today James and Cara took the kids for the day so that I could stay with my mom. It's impossible to have the kids there now and besides, hanging around there for hours and hours isn't the best thing for them. They are much better off running wild at a park or something. I'm so lucky that James and Cara are enjoying spending time with them (even when Kelton forgets to wear his listening ears).
It's strange to have them away from me all day. Yesterday I had thought they were just going to the nearby park and then would be back but they ended up going to one park, then McDonald's for lunch, then another park and finally to my sister's house before returning. They were gone from 11-4 which is a long time for them to be away from me. They did great though.
Today they left around noon and returned around 4:30 and again they visited a park, McDonald's, the beach and another park.
Needless to say both nights they fell into their beds exhausted. Last night Kaylen stood in the bathroom calling "Bath Mommy! Bath!" She knows that bedtime follows bath and she was eager to be tucked in.
Yesterday I neglected to pass along my camera but today I remembered. Here are a few of the 146 pictures that Cara took. Too funny! :)
Here they are at the beach which is about 10 minutes from where my parents are:
And these are park and McDonald's pictures:
Tomorrow I am definitely picking up some sunscreen for these guys. My poor babies are a bit sunburned on their arms and faces. Who knew? When I packed to come up here (four and a half weeks ago) it was all about raincoats and long sleeves. This week I've had to pick up a few summer outfits. I didn't realize I would be here for the change in the season. Wow.
Have I mentioned that it's been a long 4 weeks? James and Lannon keep telling me that time is being counted in dog years during all this and I have to say, they are right! Seven dog years to every one human year....so what does that equate to in months? I'm too tired to figure it out but it's a lot.
Thanks to everyone for your prayers and thoughts. Today my mom didn't wake at all; not even when the caregiver and I tended to her hygiene or turned her. Not once did I see her eyes even flutter open. Today for the first time she looked mostly dead. It was weird. When she received her meds this afternoon she didn't wake either and that included choking on them (which was really hard to watch). Note to self: make sure that people know I want an IV port for medication when/if I ever get to this point. Meds by mouth (her desire was stated "by mouth or not at all") when you can no longer swallow worth a damn is not good. I get the not wanting to be hydrated to extend things but an IV port for meds seems reasonable to me....and downright necessary after seeing what I saw today. She has to have the drugs to be comfortable and yet choking to death on them seems so...........well... awful.
I'm praying that tonight she starts her new journey. Somehow I just KNOW the new place will be better than where she is right now.
Update
My mom is still among the breathing - though just barely. We are all befuddled as to why since all signs are pointing to the contrary. The hospice nurse thinks she is hanging on until my dad's birthday; which is tomorrow. She suggests we have a birthday party for him in my mom's room and see if that gives her the peace she needs to finally let go.
It sounds reasonable but part of me wonders how she could possible know what day it is considering she has been all but comatose for days and days. *sigh*
I hope she isn't holding out for Mother's Day - I'm not sure any of us can take much more of this. We thought she would go Monday night but rallied at the last moment. That was hard for all of us. So - if you are of the praying sort (good thoughts, etc) then please do my family a great favor by praying, wishing, etc that my mom finds whatever peace she is looking for quickly so that she can move from this incredibly painful place to whatever lies ahead.
We all need to move forward. As emotionally painful as it will be for those of us left behind, the desire for mom to be out of her horrible physical pain outweighs that. It is time that she moves forward. It's time we all do.
My mom is still among the breathing - though just barely. We are all befuddled as to why since all signs are pointing to the contrary. The hospice nurse thinks she is hanging on until my dad's birthday; which is tomorrow. She suggests we have a birthday party for him in my mom's room and see if that gives her the peace she needs to finally let go.
It sounds reasonable but part of me wonders how she could possible know what day it is considering she has been all but comatose for days and days. *sigh*
I hope she isn't holding out for Mother's Day - I'm not sure any of us can take much more of this. We thought she would go Monday night but rallied at the last moment. That was hard for all of us. So - if you are of the praying sort (good thoughts, etc) then please do my family a great favor by praying, wishing, etc that my mom finds whatever peace she is looking for quickly so that she can move from this incredibly painful place to whatever lies ahead.
We all need to move forward. As emotionally painful as it will be for those of us left behind, the desire for mom to be out of her horrible physical pain outweighs that. It is time that she moves forward. It's time we all do.
Monday, May 07, 2007
Mother's Day and Park Days
All these Mother's Day commercials and displays in the stores are ripping out my heart. I'm not even sure why exactly since the holiday has always just been a "send a card and make a call day" but this year it's just hitting me hard. My mom will most likely be gone by Sunday and I will never again buy a Mother's Day card for my mom. Weird. I had no idea when I picked out the card last year that it would be the last time.
I'm having a hard day today.
*deep breath*
And since I'm really great at denial and avoidance.....here are a few pictures that Dakota took at the park Saturday and a few that I took at a different park this afternoon. The weather today has been amazing! We stayed around 70 today which is quite the change from the 50-60 degree days that have been the norm. I hear it's even warmer at home.
Saturday's park adventure:
Today's park adventure:
All these Mother's Day commercials and displays in the stores are ripping out my heart. I'm not even sure why exactly since the holiday has always just been a "send a card and make a call day" but this year it's just hitting me hard. My mom will most likely be gone by Sunday and I will never again buy a Mother's Day card for my mom. Weird. I had no idea when I picked out the card last year that it would be the last time.
I'm having a hard day today.
*deep breath*
And since I'm really great at denial and avoidance.....here are a few pictures that Dakota took at the park Saturday and a few that I took at a different park this afternoon. The weather today has been amazing! We stayed around 70 today which is quite the change from the 50-60 degree days that have been the norm. I hear it's even warmer at home.
Saturday's park adventure:
Today's park adventure:
Sunday, May 06, 2007
Our Digs
I know you are probably dying to see the layout of the room in which we are staying. I mean, who could blame you? This hotel living is nothing like Eloise or even The Suite Life of Zack and Cody. I mean, it's ok and all but...well...it just isn't home. Know what I mean?
The bedroom doesn't actually have a chair in it. Instead, where the chair appears on the floor plan there is a roll-away bed that Kelton sleeps in. Otherwise, it's pretty accurate.
In other news, things are picking up speed. We're in the counting hours part - hospice feels certain she won't make it much longer. It's hard to watch but I'm glad I am here. I've said my goodbyes and feel at peace about it all....well, as "at peace" as you can get when your mother is dying and soon won't be in the world. It's so strange to think about the reality of that; not here. My mom will be gone. I know this seems like a big ol' "duh" but I've never lived one single day in my life when my mother was not part of the world. Facing the reality that soon I will be "motherless" is...well....I cna't even describe it.
I know many of you know what I mean and I hope the rest of you don't have to experience this for a long, long, long time. It's just so strange. Surreal. Dreamlike.
I don't know.................
Anyway - that's it from here for now.
I know you are probably dying to see the layout of the room in which we are staying. I mean, who could blame you? This hotel living is nothing like Eloise or even The Suite Life of Zack and Cody. I mean, it's ok and all but...well...it just isn't home. Know what I mean?
The bedroom doesn't actually have a chair in it. Instead, where the chair appears on the floor plan there is a roll-away bed that Kelton sleeps in. Otherwise, it's pretty accurate.
In other news, things are picking up speed. We're in the counting hours part - hospice feels certain she won't make it much longer. It's hard to watch but I'm glad I am here. I've said my goodbyes and feel at peace about it all....well, as "at peace" as you can get when your mother is dying and soon won't be in the world. It's so strange to think about the reality of that; not here. My mom will be gone. I know this seems like a big ol' "duh" but I've never lived one single day in my life when my mother was not part of the world. Facing the reality that soon I will be "motherless" is...well....I cna't even describe it.
I know many of you know what I mean and I hope the rest of you don't have to experience this for a long, long, long time. It's just so strange. Surreal. Dreamlike.
I don't know.................
Anyway - that's it from here for now.
Saturday, May 05, 2007
Thursday, May 03, 2007
I've Been Tagged....
...by Patti_Cakes and it seems like a good diversion so here goes:
First, the rules:
Each player starts with 7 random facts/habits about themselves. People who are tagged need to blog about their seven things and post the rules as well. At the end of your post, choose 7 people to tag and list their names. Don't forget to leave them a comment telling them that they have been tagged and to read your blog! OK, here we go....
1) I'm a bit (ahem....yes, I'm only claiming a bit. No comments from the peanut gallery, Dakota!) anal about things. Not all things but a lot of things. I think things should be done in a certain manner and that's all there is to it. So there. :)
2) I love, love, love The Gilmore Girls. I own a bunch of the seasons already (well - some were "gifts" for Dakota but we both know they are really for me. *grin*) and by golly I will own all of them before the year is out. And I am so incredibly bummed that May 15th is the last ever new episode. It's true - word came down today that the show is ending. It's just not right, I tell you. If 7th Heaven can still be on the air (and it should have been done years ago!) then this just makes no sense what-so-ever. Grrrrrrrrrrrr.
3) I work really hard to be sure the house is cleaned up before the kids and I leave it - even if we're only running the grocery store. One of my biggest fears is leaving a messy house, getting hurt (or worse) while away from the house and having other people walk into the house to find it a mess. I just don't want people thinking "Dang - she was a slob! Couldn't even be bothered to do the breakfast dishes or make the bed? Lazy ass." Yes, I know. I need therapy. :)
4) If I were to win the lottery (which I'm told is impossible if you never play. Go figure.) I don't think I would go nutty and buy tons of stuff. I don't have a need for 5 fancy cars and a gigantic house. I think my biggest splurge would be a beach house for weekend/summer getaways. Nothing tremendously fancy - but it would have to have an up close and personal view of the beach. :)
5) I have precious few real life friends. Most of the people who I call friends are internet-based. I gotta tell you though - it's hard to have a summer bbq with friends who span the country.
6) I love to shop. But not for myself. I love to shop for the kids. I rarely ever buy things which are not on clearance or at a consignment shop/garage sale. I can' stand paying full price when I know I can get things for less....even if they are "pre-owned". Except shoes for the kids. I am all about new shoes for them though I still won't spend a ton.
7) I've been living in a hotel for 21 days (and counting). It's not as much fun as it looks in the movies. :)
So - who is getting tagged? Let's see...........Brenda, Caroline, FroggyMama, Mieke, Tracey, Lynilu and Holly. Can't wait to read yours.
...by Patti_Cakes and it seems like a good diversion so here goes:
First, the rules:
Each player starts with 7 random facts/habits about themselves. People who are tagged need to blog about their seven things and post the rules as well. At the end of your post, choose 7 people to tag and list their names. Don't forget to leave them a comment telling them that they have been tagged and to read your blog! OK, here we go....
1) I'm a bit (ahem....yes, I'm only claiming a bit. No comments from the peanut gallery, Dakota!) anal about things. Not all things but a lot of things. I think things should be done in a certain manner and that's all there is to it. So there. :)
2) I love, love, love The Gilmore Girls. I own a bunch of the seasons already (well - some were "gifts" for Dakota but we both know they are really for me. *grin*) and by golly I will own all of them before the year is out. And I am so incredibly bummed that May 15th is the last ever new episode. It's true - word came down today that the show is ending. It's just not right, I tell you. If 7th Heaven can still be on the air (and it should have been done years ago!) then this just makes no sense what-so-ever. Grrrrrrrrrrrr.
3) I work really hard to be sure the house is cleaned up before the kids and I leave it - even if we're only running the grocery store. One of my biggest fears is leaving a messy house, getting hurt (or worse) while away from the house and having other people walk into the house to find it a mess. I just don't want people thinking "Dang - she was a slob! Couldn't even be bothered to do the breakfast dishes or make the bed? Lazy ass." Yes, I know. I need therapy. :)
4) If I were to win the lottery (which I'm told is impossible if you never play. Go figure.) I don't think I would go nutty and buy tons of stuff. I don't have a need for 5 fancy cars and a gigantic house. I think my biggest splurge would be a beach house for weekend/summer getaways. Nothing tremendously fancy - but it would have to have an up close and personal view of the beach. :)
5) I have precious few real life friends. Most of the people who I call friends are internet-based. I gotta tell you though - it's hard to have a summer bbq with friends who span the country.
6) I love to shop. But not for myself. I love to shop for the kids. I rarely ever buy things which are not on clearance or at a consignment shop/garage sale. I can' stand paying full price when I know I can get things for less....even if they are "pre-owned". Except shoes for the kids. I am all about new shoes for them though I still won't spend a ton.
7) I've been living in a hotel for 21 days (and counting). It's not as much fun as it looks in the movies. :)
So - who is getting tagged? Let's see...........Brenda, Caroline, FroggyMama, Mieke, Tracey, Lynilu and Holly. Can't wait to read yours.
Coming to an end....
...at least, that's what I'm seeing. My mom definitely changed from yesterday to today. As soon as I walked into the room this morning I could see it. Much more non-responsive, staring at things and rarely making eye contact, severe trouble swallowing (yesterday she was still drinking fairly well - this change was quite shocking as it feels like it happened in the blink of an eye), not wanting things to drink (yesterday she would take whatever was offered. Today she refused ice chips to help wash down the liquid morphine.). Her color was different - much more pale.
I can't see her going on like this for much longer and honestly, I don't want her to have to go on much longer like this. It can't be easy for her and I wonder how she is feeling about it all...or even if she is aware (which I think she is but what do I know?) It breaks my heart to know she has pain and is scared and confused. In a way I'm a bit taken back by this - though honestly it could all be my own projections - she is a very religious person and has been always. For some reason, I have been under the misguided assumption that having such faith would make it much easier to make the transition from this life to the next. I'm not seeing that in her but then, maybe I am. Maybe that is what she wants but it just isn't time yet. I don't know - like I said, I'm sure it's mostly my own projections. All I know is I don't want her to have to go through much more of this. For her sake...and for all of ours. We are where we are - she can't come back from this so the only place there is to go is forward. Forward...into new territory for all of us.
Brave New World. Or something like that.
...at least, that's what I'm seeing. My mom definitely changed from yesterday to today. As soon as I walked into the room this morning I could see it. Much more non-responsive, staring at things and rarely making eye contact, severe trouble swallowing (yesterday she was still drinking fairly well - this change was quite shocking as it feels like it happened in the blink of an eye), not wanting things to drink (yesterday she would take whatever was offered. Today she refused ice chips to help wash down the liquid morphine.). Her color was different - much more pale.
I can't see her going on like this for much longer and honestly, I don't want her to have to go on much longer like this. It can't be easy for her and I wonder how she is feeling about it all...or even if she is aware (which I think she is but what do I know?) It breaks my heart to know she has pain and is scared and confused. In a way I'm a bit taken back by this - though honestly it could all be my own projections - she is a very religious person and has been always. For some reason, I have been under the misguided assumption that having such faith would make it much easier to make the transition from this life to the next. I'm not seeing that in her but then, maybe I am. Maybe that is what she wants but it just isn't time yet. I don't know - like I said, I'm sure it's mostly my own projections. All I know is I don't want her to have to go through much more of this. For her sake...and for all of ours. We are where we are - she can't come back from this so the only place there is to go is forward. Forward...into new territory for all of us.
Brave New World. Or something like that.
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
My Poor Babies
My kids were both conked out by 6:15 tonight. They are beyond exhausted so we stayed in this afternoon and just hung out watching tv, playing and getting laundry done. After an early dinner and early bath I read them their stories and turned out the lights. Kaylen was asleep before I finished the first of two chapters in "Tales of a 4th Grade Nothing". Kelton was out just moments after closing the book.
But it has been anything but quiet. They are both jabbering away in their sleep (this has actually been going on for the past few nights). Kelton is just saying non-sensical things but Kaylen is clearly having nightmares of some sort. Yelling out for me, screaming "NO! GO AWAY! MOMMY!!!" and "Rainy day, watch Barney. No sunny day, rainy day." It's the squirming and yelling out for me that get me though. Poor little girl. She really is at her wits end with being able to deal with things.
Hopefully she will get a good amount of decent sleep (and me, too). Goodness knows all three of us need some good quality rest.
Here's hoping.
My kids were both conked out by 6:15 tonight. They are beyond exhausted so we stayed in this afternoon and just hung out watching tv, playing and getting laundry done. After an early dinner and early bath I read them their stories and turned out the lights. Kaylen was asleep before I finished the first of two chapters in "Tales of a 4th Grade Nothing". Kelton was out just moments after closing the book.
But it has been anything but quiet. They are both jabbering away in their sleep (this has actually been going on for the past few nights). Kelton is just saying non-sensical things but Kaylen is clearly having nightmares of some sort. Yelling out for me, screaming "NO! GO AWAY! MOMMY!!!" and "Rainy day, watch Barney. No sunny day, rainy day." It's the squirming and yelling out for me that get me though. Poor little girl. She really is at her wits end with being able to deal with things.
Hopefully she will get a good amount of decent sleep (and me, too). Goodness knows all three of us need some good quality rest.
Here's hoping.
Who Am I?
Sounds profound, doesn't it? It's not. It's so much more simple than that. Up here, with my family and everyone connected to them, I am Tricia. It is the name I was given at birth.
About 13 (plus) years ago, I legally changed my name to Casey (and then changed my last name to Dakota's last name and changed my middle name to my birth last name. Confusing, no?). Just to further complicate things, Dakota, at the same time (both name changes where in stages before we met) was changing her name from Cynthia (Cindy) to Dakota.
So - here, in Seattle, people call me Tricia and back home, Dakota's family calls her Cindy (though they do try to use Dakota most of the time). The kids, well, Kelton at least, know this little thing and is used to us having two names - depending on where we are.
But it's confusing for me. Whenever I introduce myself to someone hospice nurse, pastor, etc) I feel my head spin a little as I quickly sort through "who am I to this person"? It's a weird feeling. The kids still call me Casey when they refer to me which I know confuses people but I just don't feel like explaining.
Way back when, when I told my mom about changing my name, she said "I'm not surprised. You have always said you hated your name and wished it was something else." At that time I'm sure I was wanting it to be Jennifer or Julie (they were my two favorite names when I was a child). :)
I'm feeling very identity-confused. Who am I? *sigh* I know I'm Tricia to my family and that's ok. It's just so weird to say "And I'm Tricia, the other daughter." when that's not who I really am. Or am I?
On another note, yesterday evening I noticed that Kaylen was starting to develop a runny nose. By 10pm it was a full-fledged stuffy-runny nose. Yep - another cold. Great. Didn't she just get over one as we arrived up here? Yeah - I thought so.
My mom isn't doing well at all. She is in bed full time now, sleeping a lot, confused because of the morphine and anti-anxiety drugs. It's hard to see her like this - I don't want this part for her at all. The hospice nurse says it could be in the next hour or it could be a couple weeks yet. Her main caregiver says she anticipates seeing something radically change by weeks end. Only time will tell.
The kids are all over the place with their behavior and emotions. That's hard for me, too. I don't like seeing them this way and knowing it's because they are feeling so displaced and adrift. I try to maintain a sense of schedule but really - it's just a joke. There is no schedule and I know that my two thrive in the confines of a schedule and routine and they don't have that right now which equates to rough moments/days.
Dakota's first final is today. Please take a moment and telepathically wish her great success on this one and the next two.
I have no word on her dad since this weekend. He is undergoing radiation to reduce the pain level. It will take 3 weeks (I believe) to complete. After that, I'm not sure of the game plan.
She is busy putting feelers out all over the place for employment opportunities. I'm actually quite impressed with the sheer number of people she is contacting and the positive responses she is receiving. Something good is bound to come from all that hard work and dedication.
So that's it's from here. Hope everyone is having a good week.
Sounds profound, doesn't it? It's not. It's so much more simple than that. Up here, with my family and everyone connected to them, I am Tricia. It is the name I was given at birth.
About 13 (plus) years ago, I legally changed my name to Casey (and then changed my last name to Dakota's last name and changed my middle name to my birth last name. Confusing, no?). Just to further complicate things, Dakota, at the same time (both name changes where in stages before we met) was changing her name from Cynthia (Cindy) to Dakota.
So - here, in Seattle, people call me Tricia and back home, Dakota's family calls her Cindy (though they do try to use Dakota most of the time). The kids, well, Kelton at least, know this little thing and is used to us having two names - depending on where we are.
But it's confusing for me. Whenever I introduce myself to someone hospice nurse, pastor, etc) I feel my head spin a little as I quickly sort through "who am I to this person"? It's a weird feeling. The kids still call me Casey when they refer to me which I know confuses people but I just don't feel like explaining.
Way back when, when I told my mom about changing my name, she said "I'm not surprised. You have always said you hated your name and wished it was something else." At that time I'm sure I was wanting it to be Jennifer or Julie (they were my two favorite names when I was a child). :)
I'm feeling very identity-confused. Who am I? *sigh* I know I'm Tricia to my family and that's ok. It's just so weird to say "And I'm Tricia, the other daughter." when that's not who I really am. Or am I?
On another note, yesterday evening I noticed that Kaylen was starting to develop a runny nose. By 10pm it was a full-fledged stuffy-runny nose. Yep - another cold. Great. Didn't she just get over one as we arrived up here? Yeah - I thought so.
My mom isn't doing well at all. She is in bed full time now, sleeping a lot, confused because of the morphine and anti-anxiety drugs. It's hard to see her like this - I don't want this part for her at all. The hospice nurse says it could be in the next hour or it could be a couple weeks yet. Her main caregiver says she anticipates seeing something radically change by weeks end. Only time will tell.
The kids are all over the place with their behavior and emotions. That's hard for me, too. I don't like seeing them this way and knowing it's because they are feeling so displaced and adrift. I try to maintain a sense of schedule but really - it's just a joke. There is no schedule and I know that my two thrive in the confines of a schedule and routine and they don't have that right now which equates to rough moments/days.
Dakota's first final is today. Please take a moment and telepathically wish her great success on this one and the next two.
I have no word on her dad since this weekend. He is undergoing radiation to reduce the pain level. It will take 3 weeks (I believe) to complete. After that, I'm not sure of the game plan.
She is busy putting feelers out all over the place for employment opportunities. I'm actually quite impressed with the sheer number of people she is contacting and the positive responses she is receiving. Something good is bound to come from all that hard work and dedication.
So that's it's from here. Hope everyone is having a good week.
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