Who Am I?
Sounds profound, doesn't it? It's not. It's so much more simple than that. Up here, with my family and everyone connected to them, I am Tricia. It is the name I was given at birth.
About 13 (plus) years ago, I legally changed my name to Casey (and then changed my last name to Dakota's last name and changed my middle name to my birth last name. Confusing, no?). Just to further complicate things, Dakota, at the same time (both name changes where in stages before we met) was changing her name from Cynthia (Cindy) to Dakota.
So - here, in Seattle, people call me Tricia and back home, Dakota's family calls her Cindy (though they do try to use Dakota most of the time). The kids, well, Kelton at least, know this little thing and is used to us having two names - depending on where we are.
But it's confusing for me. Whenever I introduce myself to someone hospice nurse, pastor, etc) I feel my head spin a little as I quickly sort through "who am I to this person"? It's a weird feeling. The kids still call me Casey when they refer to me which I know confuses people but I just don't feel like explaining.
Way back when, when I told my mom about changing my name, she said "I'm not surprised. You have always said you hated your name and wished it was something else." At that time I'm sure I was wanting it to be Jennifer or Julie (they were my two favorite names when I was a child). :)
I'm feeling very identity-confused. Who am I? *sigh* I know I'm Tricia to my family and that's ok. It's just so weird to say "And I'm Tricia, the other daughter." when that's not who I really am. Or am I?
On another note, yesterday evening I noticed that Kaylen was starting to develop a runny nose. By 10pm it was a full-fledged stuffy-runny nose. Yep - another cold. Great. Didn't she just get over one as we arrived up here? Yeah - I thought so.
My mom isn't doing well at all. She is in bed full time now, sleeping a lot, confused because of the morphine and anti-anxiety drugs. It's hard to see her like this - I don't want this part for her at all. The hospice nurse says it could be in the next hour or it could be a couple weeks yet. Her main caregiver says she anticipates seeing something radically change by weeks end. Only time will tell.
The kids are all over the place with their behavior and emotions. That's hard for me, too. I don't like seeing them this way and knowing it's because they are feeling so displaced and adrift. I try to maintain a sense of schedule but really - it's just a joke. There is no schedule and I know that my two thrive in the confines of a schedule and routine and they don't have that right now which equates to rough moments/days.
Dakota's first final is today. Please take a moment and telepathically wish her great success on this one and the next two.
I have no word on her dad since this weekend. He is undergoing radiation to reduce the pain level. It will take 3 weeks (I believe) to complete. After that, I'm not sure of the game plan.
She is busy putting feelers out all over the place for employment opportunities. I'm actually quite impressed with the sheer number of people she is contacting and the positive responses she is receiving. Something good is bound to come from all that hard work and dedication.
So that's it's from here. Hope everyone is having a good week.
8 comments:
What an interesting post. I love that you decided to change your name and followed through with it. When I was growing up I hated my first name. Infact, for about a year I went by "Carolyn" because I didn't know anyone that was named Caroline, but I knew a few Carolyn's. Now that I am older, I love my name. So, I think it's cool that both you and Dakota decided to change your names to something you liked.
I am sorry about your Mom and will continue to pray for peace for her, you and your entire family. I can't imagine how hard all of this is on you.
And I wish Dakota lots of good luck on her finals, although I don't think she will need it.
Thanks for the update. I have been wondering how you are doing.
I think it's very cool that you both have changed your names!
BTW - sending BIG BIG BIG good luck smoke signals to Dakota. As a law school survivor, I do not envy her right now. She'll do great!
I also am sending well wishes and strength to you and your entire family in regards to your mom. So sorry.
Casey (i'm a Patricia myself) these feelings of displacement, well you are going through so much turmoil who can blame you? I am sending peaceful, calming vibes to your Mom and good luck vibes to Dakota. Hugs Honey. You're in my thoughts.
Casey, I was born Cindy too, and my family still calls me that, but most people I know as friends call me jojo, all very confusing because I too sometimes have to ask, who am I to this person?
My prayers for you and your family....jojo
This post reminds me of me! My parents changed my name when I was a child. I used to be Marin and now am Heidi. I have a brother and sister with names beginning with 'M'. My parents kept getting us confussed so they decided to change my name. There are times I think to myself, "Hey wait a min. I am Marin, not Heidi". I wonder about who I am. There is something about a name. It is, in a way, who you are. Anyhow, interesting post. Thinking about you during this time.
Heidi a.k.a. Marin!
I changed my last name in 1993, when I moved from this state where I'm living again. I had always told my mother I hated my last name and for a for while, my first name, as well. My names of choice: Kathy, Jennifer and Stephanie (all when I was about 4 years old.) My last name I hated so much I remain embarrassed to tell anyone what it was.
I played with new last names for several years before I settled on the one I finally chose. My 2 rules were that I wanted only 1 syllable, as my original last name was only 1 syllable, and I wanted it to start with K, as my middle name starts with K and I had planned to tell people I just changed my last name to my middle name. Though I used the one that felt like me in every facet of my life, I didn't legally change it until 2001 in FL, where it was much faster and cheaper.
At some point in my CA years, my co-workers significantly shortened my first name as well, and it stuck. So here I am back in my hometown, where everyone knew me as one name. I'm actually slowly transitioning back to my un-shortened first name, because the shortened version is starting to bug me, but I'll never go back to the old last name. Ick.
I always wonder what M is going to think of this some day, that his name is uniquely his, but that it's not his by the traditional sort of heritage. But then, he wasn't conceived the traditional way either and there's another biological factor out there whose name he won't know for at least 14 more years.
Continued wishes for some peace in your lives. Thanks for updating.
mel
I have always loved my name. I have a friend from high school whose parent named her Que (Quay) she always hated it. HATED IT. It used to be hilarious when we were hanging out and guys would approach us. What's your name?
Mieke and Que.
Listen if you don't want to hang out that's cool but don't give us such ridiculous sounding names. we're not idiots.
Ummmmmmm.
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