Coming to an end....
...at least, that's what I'm seeing. My mom definitely changed from yesterday to today. As soon as I walked into the room this morning I could see it. Much more non-responsive, staring at things and rarely making eye contact, severe trouble swallowing (yesterday she was still drinking fairly well - this change was quite shocking as it feels like it happened in the blink of an eye), not wanting things to drink (yesterday she would take whatever was offered. Today she refused ice chips to help wash down the liquid morphine.). Her color was different - much more pale.
I can't see her going on like this for much longer and honestly, I don't want her to have to go on much longer like this. It can't be easy for her and I wonder how she is feeling about it all...or even if she is aware (which I think she is but what do I know?) It breaks my heart to know she has pain and is scared and confused. In a way I'm a bit taken back by this - though honestly it could all be my own projections - she is a very religious person and has been always. For some reason, I have been under the misguided assumption that having such faith would make it much easier to make the transition from this life to the next. I'm not seeing that in her but then, maybe I am. Maybe that is what she wants but it just isn't time yet. I don't know - like I said, I'm sure it's mostly my own projections. All I know is I don't want her to have to go through much more of this. For her sake...and for all of ours. We are where we are - she can't come back from this so the only place there is to go is forward. Forward...into new territory for all of us.
Brave New World. Or something like that.
5 comments:
Oh I'm so sad you're going through this. But it's wonderful that you're documenting your feelings and the day's events. Because all of this will probably be foggy when you try to remember things later. I know that with the traumatic times in our life, like when Addie was in the hospital, it was so surreal - I wished I had kept a diary, so I didn't feel like I'd lost that time. I'm thinking of you daily and sending you love through these keys! xoxo
You definitely seem to be describing the progression towards the next step for your mom. It is tremendously hard and scary for those of us left, and obviously I can't speak for what it's like for the one on the journey. I am absolutely positive, however, that you being there has been and continues to be a great comfort for her. I would consider myself to be quite religious, and I know I am still nervous/scared about that journey. Even though I feel confident about where I will be going, I would hate to leave my family and loved ones here. It's scary. Try to just be there for her and for yourself (and kids) as much as you can, and know you are doing all you can to ease her transition. She knows you're there. She knows you love her. Be easy with yourself, and know you can call on us to support you through it all. Lots of hugs and love to you, and good wishes and prayers.
Casey you seem to be handling this remarkably well. Your Mom is so lucky she has a loving supportive family there for her. My worse fear is to die alone and unloved.
This must be so hard. I'm glad you're writing down all the feelings, I'm sure it helps a little. I'm thinking of you all.
Casey, I am so sorry you are going through this. So sorry.
We're thinking of you and sending you some warms hugs.
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