As the kids and I unloaded the car the snow started falling fast and furious....and piling up. All told we ended up with about three inches and the kids had a blast playing and playing and playing.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Snow at Home
The kids and I drove home yesterday and just as we arrived within an exit of ours, the snow flurries started to fly. Surely it wouldn't amount to anything - after all, rain was the prediction for the day.
As the kids and I unloaded the car the snow started falling fast and furious....and piling up. All told we ended up with about three inches and the kids had a blast playing and playing and playing.
As the kids and I unloaded the car the snow started falling fast and furious....and piling up. All told we ended up with about three inches and the kids had a blast playing and playing and playing.
A Day on Mount Baker
Sunday morning we loaded up all the snow gear and drove to Mt. Baker for a day in the snow. The kids had a blast!
And after a day in the cold, we headed back to Uncle James' house so the kids could have some hot tub fun. Needless to say, they slept *very* well that night!
Monday, December 28, 2009
Christmas Continues
The kids found a small ice patch in my brother's driveway yesterdat morning and they spent about an hour sliding down it and laughing themselves silly.
And then later in the day we all went to my sister's house to enjoy a Christmas celebration with my family. 
Friday, December 25, 2009
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Circle of Friends and Gingerbread House
Friday night the UPS truck arrived and delivered a box addressed to me. I opened it up and discovered a Circle of Friends Candle Holder. The card said:
Thinking of you and sending you this visual reminder of everyone holding you and surrounding you with love and support. Love, All of Your Friends"
So...if you are the friend(s) who sent this to me, thank you. It means a lot to me.
And since it's been a while since I posted photos of the kids, I thought I would share a couple from Sunday when they decorated their gingerbread house. I wasn't there. Dakota helped them and took the pictures.
Thinking of you and sending you this visual reminder of everyone holding you and surrounding you with love and support. Love, All of Your Friends"
So...if you are the friend(s) who sent this to me, thank you. It means a lot to me.
And since it's been a while since I posted photos of the kids, I thought I would share a couple from Sunday when they decorated their gingerbread house. I wasn't there. Dakota helped them and took the pictures.
Blah
I usually love December mail. All the cards that roll in wishing us a Merry Christmas. Pictures of friends who live near and far. The card envelopes outnumber the ads for changing credit card companies, obtaining a life insurance quote or other various mail that goes directly into the recycling.
I usually rip into the envelopes, pull out the cards, marvel over them and then put them up on the wall in the living room.
Not this year. This year the cards are arriving but instead of making me happy, they make me sad. I open them, read them and then quietly add them to a stack behind a picture frame on the buffet.
It's not that I don't appreciate them - I do. It's just that Christmas is incredibly painful this year and I have to save all my fake "excited energy" for the kids so I can respond positively when they talk about how excited they are for Christmas. I'm glad they are excited. I am anything but.
I usually rip into the envelopes, pull out the cards, marvel over them and then put them up on the wall in the living room.
Not this year. This year the cards are arriving but instead of making me happy, they make me sad. I open them, read them and then quietly add them to a stack behind a picture frame on the buffet.
It's not that I don't appreciate them - I do. It's just that Christmas is incredibly painful this year and I have to save all my fake "excited energy" for the kids so I can respond positively when they talk about how excited they are for Christmas. I'm glad they are excited. I am anything but.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Monday
I have a lot of things swirling around in my head but there is nothing much that I feel I can, or should, share right now and yet, talking about the kids making a gingerbread house or about things like a tv stand just seem to do the "real" stuff injustice. I know you are all checking in for news. It's just so hard to share this stuff.
I can tell you this: a friend of mine, who hasn't seen the kids in a couple months, watched them for an hour today for me and when I returned to pick them up she took me aside and said "Casey - the kids have really changed since I saw them last. Especially Kaylen. She isn't the little girl I have known all these years." All I could do was sadly shake my head and say "I know."
It's so sad to see the changes myself but it makes it even worse when other people see the changes in them. There is no denying it - they are changed children.
All I can do is love them and try to protect them the best I can. Which is hard considering the space I am in myself. They comes first though. They always have and that is the way it should be. They didn't ask for this mess.
I can tell you this: a friend of mine, who hasn't seen the kids in a couple months, watched them for an hour today for me and when I returned to pick them up she took me aside and said "Casey - the kids have really changed since I saw them last. Especially Kaylen. She isn't the little girl I have known all these years." All I could do was sadly shake my head and say "I know."
It's so sad to see the changes myself but it makes it even worse when other people see the changes in them. There is no denying it - they are changed children.
All I can do is love them and try to protect them the best I can. Which is hard considering the space I am in myself. They comes first though. They always have and that is the way it should be. They didn't ask for this mess.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Lost Contacts
I have managed to loose more than half of my cell phone contact list (for some reason they didn't auto save to my SIM card so when I changed to a new carrier and phone, they were lost). If I had your phone number in the past, assume I no longer do. I would love it if you would email me with it. Thanks!
casey784@comcast.net
casey784@comcast.net
Friday, December 18, 2009
Still Here
I'm still here - it's just been a busy week. The PTO ran a Christmas store at Kelton's school and I worked it from 8AM-3PM.
We closed up the store yesterday afternoon so today will be filled with running around, wrapping things up and taking care of things that were neglected during the week.
It's also the last day of school before winter break.
I'm trying really hard to get through this holiday season in one piece. I find that I am reliving things from years gone by and seeing things in ways I never saw them before. Both in good and bad ways. My brain feels overloaded. Like it could use an upgrade to its entire system memory. So many things are swirling around in me and it's a challenge some moments to even function.
I have this huge weight that pushes on me and seriously? It's all I can do to pull myself out of bed in the mornings. Not that I have a choice.
It's an absolutely shitty time of year to be hashing out visitation schedules and trying to untangle 15 years and 8 months worth of a life. Not that I think there is a good time of year but this? This is just cruel.
We closed up the store yesterday afternoon so today will be filled with running around, wrapping things up and taking care of things that were neglected during the week.
It's also the last day of school before winter break.
I'm trying really hard to get through this holiday season in one piece. I find that I am reliving things from years gone by and seeing things in ways I never saw them before. Both in good and bad ways. My brain feels overloaded. Like it could use an upgrade to its entire system memory. So many things are swirling around in me and it's a challenge some moments to even function.
I have this huge weight that pushes on me and seriously? It's all I can do to pull myself out of bed in the mornings. Not that I have a choice.
It's an absolutely shitty time of year to be hashing out visitation schedules and trying to untangle 15 years and 8 months worth of a life. Not that I think there is a good time of year but this? This is just cruel.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Monday, December 14, 2009
The Simplest of Things....
....seem to cause the most pain.
I paid bills and balanced the checkbook yesterday. The bill paying went fine but when I was going through the register and checking off the cleared items the sadness washed over me. The day we took the kids to Build-a-Bear, the Yankee Candle store, Claim Jumpers, Standfords where Kelton discovered he loves "grown up Mac-n-Cheese, Toys R Us when I bought Christmas gifts for the kids, etc. All those entries staring back at me creating pain that washed over me in waves so giant they threatened to pull me under. Places we went as a family that we will never go to as a family again. If I had known they would be the last time would I have treasured them more? Would it be riddled with even more sadness now?
All the days in the register of "regular life" when I had no idea what was hurtling at me. The weeks when I was blissfully unaware at what was taking place. The days and weeks when I still believed this was a forever deal. No matter the hard times I believed we would get through them. I believed. I had faith because I had no reason to doubt it.
And now? Now I doubt everything.
I paid bills and balanced the checkbook yesterday. The bill paying went fine but when I was going through the register and checking off the cleared items the sadness washed over me. The day we took the kids to Build-a-Bear, the Yankee Candle store, Claim Jumpers, Standfords where Kelton discovered he loves "grown up Mac-n-Cheese, Toys R Us when I bought Christmas gifts for the kids, etc. All those entries staring back at me creating pain that washed over me in waves so giant they threatened to pull me under. Places we went as a family that we will never go to as a family again. If I had known they would be the last time would I have treasured them more? Would it be riddled with even more sadness now?
All the days in the register of "regular life" when I had no idea what was hurtling at me. The weeks when I was blissfully unaware at what was taking place. The days and weeks when I still believed this was a forever deal. No matter the hard times I believed we would get through them. I believed. I had faith because I had no reason to doubt it.
And now? Now I doubt everything.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Still Cold
It's supposed to snow tonight. Not a lot - maybe an inch or two. Then the freezing rain is expected and then by afternoon it should turn to rain. I'm actually looking forward to it - I need the world to look different for a while.
The bad part is Kelton's final karate graduation is supposed to be tomorrow night. He will graduate to his purple belt and then, thankfully, we are taking a break from karate. It's been seven long months of twice weekly karate lessons. He and I are both ready to be done but it's strange to think that the place and the people that have become a part of our lives won't be any longer. Seems to be a theme these days. Just more loss, I suppose.
I'm happy to report than Kelton has not injured himself with his karate moves. Or, I guess I should say, injured anyone else. No need to put the low cost health insurance to the test. But then again, maybe we will by the time the ice storm rolls through.
Which takes me right back to the possibility of snow. We might be low on groceries and things like cat food but since it isn't predicted to be a long lasting storm, I say bring it on.
And after the storm? After the storm we should be able to leave the sub-freezing temps behind for a while which is good. Eleven degrees is just too darn cold for an extended amount of time. To say nothing of the fact that the Christmas Store at school next week is being held in a portable which, unfortunately, does not have working heat at this time. So really? Warmer temps would be great because setting up the store in a room with an inside temp of 32 degrees today really wasn't my idea of a good time.
Wow. Can you say random post? :)
The bad part is Kelton's final karate graduation is supposed to be tomorrow night. He will graduate to his purple belt and then, thankfully, we are taking a break from karate. It's been seven long months of twice weekly karate lessons. He and I are both ready to be done but it's strange to think that the place and the people that have become a part of our lives won't be any longer. Seems to be a theme these days. Just more loss, I suppose.
I'm happy to report than Kelton has not injured himself with his karate moves. Or, I guess I should say, injured anyone else. No need to put the low cost health insurance to the test. But then again, maybe we will by the time the ice storm rolls through.
Which takes me right back to the possibility of snow. We might be low on groceries and things like cat food but since it isn't predicted to be a long lasting storm, I say bring it on.
And after the storm? After the storm we should be able to leave the sub-freezing temps behind for a while which is good. Eleven degrees is just too darn cold for an extended amount of time. To say nothing of the fact that the Christmas Store at school next week is being held in a portable which, unfortunately, does not have working heat at this time. So really? Warmer temps would be great because setting up the store in a room with an inside temp of 32 degrees today really wasn't my idea of a good time.
Wow. Can you say random post? :)
Simply Sleep
Ok all you people who encouraged me to take something to sleep; how long is it safe to take stuff?
It's nothing too much - a half dose of Simply Sleep (which basically is just benedryl). Instead of the recommended two caplets, I'm taking just one but since, as a rule, I never take medication I'm just wondering how long I can take it without ending up needing something like drug rehab. Ok - yeah, that's extreme but really...is there a timeline?
Without it I don't seem to sleep. Weird enough, I fight falling asleep on the couch watching TV at 8:30 but when I put myself in bed? All bets are off. I'm awake.
Nights are long when you don't sleep.
It's nothing too much - a half dose of Simply Sleep (which basically is just benedryl). Instead of the recommended two caplets, I'm taking just one but since, as a rule, I never take medication I'm just wondering how long I can take it without ending up needing something like drug rehab. Ok - yeah, that's extreme but really...is there a timeline?
Without it I don't seem to sleep. Weird enough, I fight falling asleep on the couch watching TV at 8:30 but when I put myself in bed? All bets are off. I'm awake.
Nights are long when you don't sleep.
Friday
I don't really know how to process all that is happening in my life so I'm just going to post random stuff.
I have so much bouncing around in my head - emotional, logistical, practical. So much to figure out and handle. It runs the gamut from high priority to things as mundane as getting auto insurance quotes. It seems inconsequential in the loss category but among it all I'll loose the multi-car discount for car insurance.
The losses keep adding up.
I have so much bouncing around in my head - emotional, logistical, practical. So much to figure out and handle. It runs the gamut from high priority to things as mundane as getting auto insurance quotes. It seems inconsequential in the loss category but among it all I'll loose the multi-car discount for car insurance.
The losses keep adding up.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Kaylen and Preschool
This morning I had an appointment with my counselor so I dropped a very happy and excited Kaylen off with a friend of mine. She loves going there because not only does she have fun but I pay her $1.00 to "help babysit" my friends 20 month old. She loves it and always has a great time.
I arrived to pick her up 20 minutes before the start of preschool. She has happy and told my friend all about her not so great day on Tuesday but they had talked and she was ready and excited about going today.
She chattered all the way over there and she bounced her way down the walkway to the classroom. I signed her in, got her settled. She kissed and hugged me and we waved good-bye.
PHEW! I happily walked out the door and drove home.
Forty five minutes after dropping Kaylen off the phone rang. It was the preschool calling to let me know that Kaylen had been crying since I walked out the door.
My heart dropped. This is not my happy little girl. This is not the child who is independent and loves new adventures.
I hate what this is doing to the kids. Kelton isn't escaping any of this either. He is riddled with fears which sometimes come out in the form of what he is really worried and scared about but mostly seem to come out in ways that he can understand and process instead of abstract things he can't. He is suddenly very worried about fires and getting out of the house...and bad guys breaking in.
It's so hard to watch them knowing I can't change any of this for them. It's hard to know that all I can try to do is ease their fears and tell them things will be ok. That they are loved and will always be loved.
I say all the right things - happily and upbeat. It's all I can do.
I arrived to pick her up 20 minutes before the start of preschool. She has happy and told my friend all about her not so great day on Tuesday but they had talked and she was ready and excited about going today.
She chattered all the way over there and she bounced her way down the walkway to the classroom. I signed her in, got her settled. She kissed and hugged me and we waved good-bye.
PHEW! I happily walked out the door and drove home.
Forty five minutes after dropping Kaylen off the phone rang. It was the preschool calling to let me know that Kaylen had been crying since I walked out the door.
My heart dropped. This is not my happy little girl. This is not the child who is independent and loves new adventures.
I hate what this is doing to the kids. Kelton isn't escaping any of this either. He is riddled with fears which sometimes come out in the form of what he is really worried and scared about but mostly seem to come out in ways that he can understand and process instead of abstract things he can't. He is suddenly very worried about fires and getting out of the house...and bad guys breaking in.
It's so hard to watch them knowing I can't change any of this for them. It's hard to know that all I can try to do is ease their fears and tell them things will be ok. That they are loved and will always be loved.
I say all the right things - happily and upbeat. It's all I can do.
The Stress Diet
I have to tell you, I always thought stress made me eat. Apparently I didn't really have a clear idea of what stress was before because the stress I have right now? It is a clear appetite suppressant.
I think about eating but I can't seem to follow through. I open up cabinets and the fridge but nothing looks or sounds good so I close things up and pour another cup of coffee.
I eat a bit of dinner at night but not because I'm hungry but because I know I need to eat something so I don't get sick.
I started this posting a bit ago but then I had to go pick up Kaylen from preschool. They called and said she hadn't stopped crying since I left her there 45 minutes earlier. My poor baby.
I hate this so much. Stress. Yeah - I know what it is.
I think about eating but I can't seem to follow through. I open up cabinets and the fridge but nothing looks or sounds good so I close things up and pour another cup of coffee.
I eat a bit of dinner at night but not because I'm hungry but because I know I need to eat something so I don't get sick.
I started this posting a bit ago but then I had to go pick up Kaylen from preschool. They called and said she hadn't stopped crying since I left her there 45 minutes earlier. My poor baby.
I hate this so much. Stress. Yeah - I know what it is.
Brrrrrr!
It's cold outside. As in really, really cold. The furnace is running much more this week than in weeks gone by and this time, I'm ok with jumping it up a couple degrees to take the chill out of the air. Last year I took a hard stance on it and kept it low and rarely ever raised it but this year? What the heck - might as well be warm.
With it running so much though I know I'm going to need to buy a few more air filters to have on hand. With the dogs and the dust around here (they go hand in hand) the filter needs regular changing. It's all good though. I found these really good smelling fresheners that you can attach to the filter and it sends good smelling scents through the house every time the furnace runs.
Rumor has it we might be seeing freezing rain in the next day or two. Brrrrrr.
With it running so much though I know I'm going to need to buy a few more air filters to have on hand. With the dogs and the dust around here (they go hand in hand) the filter needs regular changing. It's all good though. I found these really good smelling fresheners that you can attach to the filter and it sends good smelling scents through the house every time the furnace runs.
Rumor has it we might be seeing freezing rain in the next day or two. Brrrrrr.
Tuesday, December 08, 2009
My Fearless Daughter....
...is anything but right now. It's really hard to watch her go from self-assured to a lump of a little girl who doesn't want me out of her sight. She woke this morning and was immediately in tears and the unhappiness continued for the better part of an hour. I finally convinced her to take a hot shower with me and that seemed to calm her down...well..that and the promise that I would stay with her at preschool until she felt ok enough for me to leave. This is my self assured daughter we are talking about. I just knew all would be well once she was at school.
After Kelton went to school, Kaylen and I headed out to MOMS Club. On the way there she insisted I stay in the same room with her. I agreed. We got there and were the first ones there for about 30 minutes which gave her time to get her bearings and play a while alone before other kids started arriving. Most of the kids are kids she has known most of her life so finally she and a couple others were happily engaged and she was ok that I went into the other room.
I took that as a sign that she was settling down and preschool would be a non-event.
I couldn't have been more wrong.
Crying on the way there. Holding my hand so tight on the walk to the room and refusing to leave my side no matter what they tried. I sighed and settled in for the duration. I promised I would stay and sit against a wall and watch her. She went off but checked every minute or so to make sure I was there. Blowing sad little kisses at me. A look in her eyes I can't describe.
I sat on the cold floor and watched. For a long, long time.
I followed the class to the room where they had PE. I followed back. About 90 minutes after arriving (and an hour before the end of the class) she came over and said "I want to go home. Will you please take me?"
*sigh*
I signed her out and we left; me and my very sad and confused little girl.
After Kelton went to school, Kaylen and I headed out to MOMS Club. On the way there she insisted I stay in the same room with her. I agreed. We got there and were the first ones there for about 30 minutes which gave her time to get her bearings and play a while alone before other kids started arriving. Most of the kids are kids she has known most of her life so finally she and a couple others were happily engaged and she was ok that I went into the other room.
I took that as a sign that she was settling down and preschool would be a non-event.
I couldn't have been more wrong.
Crying on the way there. Holding my hand so tight on the walk to the room and refusing to leave my side no matter what they tried. I sighed and settled in for the duration. I promised I would stay and sit against a wall and watch her. She went off but checked every minute or so to make sure I was there. Blowing sad little kisses at me. A look in her eyes I can't describe.
I sat on the cold floor and watched. For a long, long time.
I followed the class to the room where they had PE. I followed back. About 90 minutes after arriving (and an hour before the end of the class) she came over and said "I want to go home. Will you please take me?"
*sigh*
I signed her out and we left; me and my very sad and confused little girl.
Monday, December 07, 2009
Monday
I've lost weight. A fair amount of weight. Stress does that. I never really notice it until someone I haven't seen in a while says something. Today I saw two friends who I haven't seen in a couple of months so I was reminded again of how different I am looking.
So nope, I have any diet pill reviews to pass along and my method is definitely not one I would recommend. And I am totally mixed on hearing people say "Wow! You look great." I feel anything but.
So nope, I have any diet pill reviews to pass along and my method is definitely not one I would recommend. And I am totally mixed on hearing people say "Wow! You look great." I feel anything but.
Saturday, December 05, 2009
Saturday
I know you are all out there checking regularly. My blog stats are through the roof. I just have nothing to say right now - nothing I want to say. My head is a jumble of all things and I'm not even sure which direction is up.
I do know I would rather be thinking of a zillion other things; like manufactured homes, vacations, what Christmas shopping I still need to get done...anything. Anything other than what I am thinking about because what I am thinking about sucks.
I do know I would rather be thinking of a zillion other things; like manufactured homes, vacations, what Christmas shopping I still need to get done...anything. Anything other than what I am thinking about because what I am thinking about sucks.
Thursday, December 03, 2009
Seriously?
Due to the continued onslaught of negative comments by anonymous posters on Dakota's blog and here we will both be turning on moderated comments.
On The Record
I want to go on the record, loud and clear, that I could not ever have asked for a better person with whom to share all these years. I could never have dreamed of a better person with whom to create children and raise them. (And we will continue to raise them together - no matter how hard the beginning may be.)
She is a great parent and her love for the children is strong and true.
It takes two. We both made mistakes along the way (and we did amazingly well at at other times).
So be kind. To both of us. She is hurting like I am and I'm positive she isn't just skipping through this - she is acutely aware. We see the whole thing very differently but what in life isn't like that? If the anonymous poster who posted a mean comment to her came from here, stop. Neither one of us will tolerate bad-mouthing the other.
We have children together. We will always be family. And I am so grateful for that.
She is a great parent and her love for the children is strong and true.
It takes two. We both made mistakes along the way (and we did amazingly well at at other times).
So be kind. To both of us. She is hurting like I am and I'm positive she isn't just skipping through this - she is acutely aware. We see the whole thing very differently but what in life isn't like that? If the anonymous poster who posted a mean comment to her came from here, stop. Neither one of us will tolerate bad-mouthing the other.
We have children together. We will always be family. And I am so grateful for that.
Rambling on no sleep
It's 2:36am and I have been not sleeping for hours. I just can't seem to sleep. My mind races and my heart is broken. I just can't believe this is my life...never in a million years. It's got to be some sort of joke, right? I mean really....really?!?!
Yesterday I spent almost the entire day in tears. How can this be happening? I don't want this to be happening.
My babies deserve better than a broken home and going back and forth every other weekend. They deserve to have their other mom reading them their bedtime stories, helping with bath time, listening to their days events and tucking them in. They deserve that...and so much more.
Ripping a family apart. I don't understand. Forever changing two little lives.
And me. There is me. I don't want this to happen to me. I love her with all I am and I have missed her so much over the years of schooling and kept my sights on the horizon of the summer of 2009 when school would be done and we could get to know each other again because the at home time wouldn't be a few precious hours during the week which were devoted to the kids. They missed her desperately all those days, evenings and nights when she was away and it felt like the right thing to do to give them all her time. I let it happen for their sake and for hers. I knew she missed them too. And somehow along the way we lost touch with each other. I just never thought it would be something we couldn't get back. We had a strong past to rely on and help us through. Or at least I thought and believed and trusted.
What I didn't count on though, is what happened.
I'm rambling, I know. I think that tends to happen when you log about 6 hours of sleep in three days time.
I watched her with the kids last night and it struck me hard how in a few days she won't be here to tuck them in and kiss them goodnight and it hit me even harder that these are the last days I will *ever* get to be a part of that bedtime routine.
So many things are hitting me hard. There are so many "last times" or times that have already passed that I didn't realize were "last times".
I don't want to do this alone. I want to share it with my best friend, my love and my partner. I love her so much...
Please let this be a nightmare. Let me wake up next to her for always. I want so much to continue to share my life with her and raise our children together....under the same roof. I want her to want that too.
I know some people think it's wrong to post things like this but this is my therapy because if I kept it all inside I would explode. There is no need to say hurtful and hateful anonymous comments so please, if you have nothing supportive to say, don't say anything at all or better yet, stop coming by here. If you are the person who posted that I somehow deserve this let me tell you that you are incredibly wrong. No one deserves this kind of pain and if that is really how you feel, stop coming here. I will continue to post because I need to.
But make no mistake about it; I will not put up with people being mean to Dakota or to me. I love Dakota. I really love her. And I would do anything to stop this from happening.
Yesterday I spent almost the entire day in tears. How can this be happening? I don't want this to be happening.
My babies deserve better than a broken home and going back and forth every other weekend. They deserve to have their other mom reading them their bedtime stories, helping with bath time, listening to their days events and tucking them in. They deserve that...and so much more.
Ripping a family apart. I don't understand. Forever changing two little lives.
And me. There is me. I don't want this to happen to me. I love her with all I am and I have missed her so much over the years of schooling and kept my sights on the horizon of the summer of 2009 when school would be done and we could get to know each other again because the at home time wouldn't be a few precious hours during the week which were devoted to the kids. They missed her desperately all those days, evenings and nights when she was away and it felt like the right thing to do to give them all her time. I let it happen for their sake and for hers. I knew she missed them too. And somehow along the way we lost touch with each other. I just never thought it would be something we couldn't get back. We had a strong past to rely on and help us through. Or at least I thought and believed and trusted.
What I didn't count on though, is what happened.
I'm rambling, I know. I think that tends to happen when you log about 6 hours of sleep in three days time.
I watched her with the kids last night and it struck me hard how in a few days she won't be here to tuck them in and kiss them goodnight and it hit me even harder that these are the last days I will *ever* get to be a part of that bedtime routine.
So many things are hitting me hard. There are so many "last times" or times that have already passed that I didn't realize were "last times".
I don't want to do this alone. I want to share it with my best friend, my love and my partner. I love her so much...
Please let this be a nightmare. Let me wake up next to her for always. I want so much to continue to share my life with her and raise our children together....under the same roof. I want her to want that too.
I know some people think it's wrong to post things like this but this is my therapy because if I kept it all inside I would explode. There is no need to say hurtful and hateful anonymous comments so please, if you have nothing supportive to say, don't say anything at all or better yet, stop coming by here. If you are the person who posted that I somehow deserve this let me tell you that you are incredibly wrong. No one deserves this kind of pain and if that is really how you feel, stop coming here. I will continue to post because I need to.
But make no mistake about it; I will not put up with people being mean to Dakota or to me. I love Dakota. I really love her. And I would do anything to stop this from happening.
Tuesday, December 01, 2009
I don't want to write this post. With all my heart and everything I am I do not want to be writing this post. But - reality will not change just because I don't tell people. Dakota has called an end to our 15 year relationship. With two little words, it all came crashing down: "It's over."
And so it is.
And so it is.
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