Rambling on no sleep

It's 2:36am and I have been not sleeping for hours. I just can't seem to sleep. My mind races and my heart is broken. I just can't believe this is my life...never in a million years. It's got to be some sort of joke, right? I mean really....really?!?!

Yesterday I spent almost the entire day in tears. How can this be happening? I don't want this to be happening.

My babies deserve better than a broken home and going back and forth every other weekend. They deserve to have their other mom reading them their bedtime stories, helping with bath time, listening to their days events and tucking them in. They deserve that...and so much more.

Ripping a family apart. I don't understand. Forever changing two little lives.

And me. There is me. I don't want this to happen to me. I love her with all I am and I have missed her so much over the years of schooling and kept my sights on the horizon of the summer of 2009 when school would be done and we could get to know each other again because the at home time wouldn't be a few precious hours during the week which were devoted to the kids. They missed her desperately all those days, evenings and nights when she was away and it felt like the right thing to do to give them all her time. I let it happen for their sake and for hers. I knew she missed them too. And somehow along the way we lost touch with each other. I just never thought it would be something we couldn't get back. We had a strong past to rely on and help us through. Or at least I thought and believed and trusted.

What I didn't count on though, is what happened.

I'm rambling, I know. I think that tends to happen when you log about 6 hours of sleep in three days time.

I watched her with the kids last night and it struck me hard how in a few days she won't be here to tuck them in and kiss them goodnight and it hit me even harder that these are the last days I will *ever* get to be a part of that bedtime routine.

So many things are hitting me hard. There are so many "last times" or times that have already passed that I didn't realize were "last times".

I don't want to do this alone. I want to share it with my best friend, my love and my partner. I love her so much...

Please let this be a nightmare. Let me wake up next to her for always. I want so much to continue to share my life with her and raise our children together....under the same roof. I want her to want that too.

I know some people think it's wrong to post things like this but this is my therapy because if I kept it all inside I would explode. There is no need to say hurtful and hateful anonymous comments so please, if you have nothing supportive to say, don't say anything at all or better yet, stop coming by here. If you are the person who posted that I somehow deserve this let me tell you that you are incredibly wrong. No one deserves this kind of pain and if that is really how you feel, stop coming here. I will continue to post because I need to.

But make no mistake about it; I will not put up with people being mean to Dakota or to me. I love Dakota. I really love her. And I would do anything to stop this from happening.