Getting Used To Missing Her

It's been a sucky 24 hours. I miss my cat so damn much it isn't funny. I honestly had no idea how integral she was in my life - how much a part of everything she was. My eyes keep playing tricks and I will see her here and there - but then my eyes will focus and it will either be nothing or one of the three remaining cats. Three. A year ago at this time we had five which yes, I know seems like a lot but it really wasn't. Even at night when all five cats were in the same room it didn't seem like a lot. It was just our life. Last night it was just three (plus the dogs) and it felt so wrong. So many pieces missing.

Everything I did this morning as I went about my routine made it painfully obvious that Taz is gone. No Tazzy waiting on the bed for me when I went to take my shower. No Taz greeting me as I came out of the bathroom. No Taz following me from room to room as I went about getting things done. No Taz sleeping on the back of the couch or coming in last night to walk across me as I tried to sleep. No meows heard when the house became too quiet for her (she loved the noise and chaos and if the kids were too quiet for too long she would start calling out and would only settle back down when the noise was back to a level that she liked).

Now don't get me wrong - she had her more than obnoxious qualities: the first of which was she needed noise and activity constantly (after the kids would go to bed she would cry and cry and cry and would take a long time to settle down). She would paw at doors and cabinets to make them bang - usually just because she was bored and usually in the evening or in the night. For years she was a force to be reckoned with at the door - she would always be looking for a way to escape into the big world and sometimes she did. We would have to chase her all over the place to get her safely back inside.

She was so tiny. Compared to other cats she looked like she was about a year old - very small and petite. It was hard to keep weight on her in the winter so she was given lots of treats and extra food. She never weighed more than 8lbs in her entire life and generally hung out around 6 or 7lbs. Her nose was so tiny. But her personality was huge. You knew she was in the house.

She was the only cat who would ever come out if we had company. Most people never believe that we had other cats because they are never anywhere to be seen but Taz was always in the mix. At the very least she would watch the happenings from the safety of the dining room table. Always watching her beloved chaos.

I miss her so much I can barely breathe today which I know might seem weird to some. But let's be honest, pets give us something that you rarely, if ever, get from another human - unconditional love. They just want to be loved and they want to love you back. It's a pure relationship and it hurts like hell to lose it.

Dakota and I are struggling. Kaylen, well - she's 2. She is ok with it but then again, how many times in the past year has she heard about heaven and people/animals going there. It's just reality for her. She did ask several times yesterday when Taz would be coming home. Kelton, on the other hand, we are worried about. He swings back and forth. He was really close to Charlie and after he died, Taz became his buddy. Never before had Taz allowed him to get as close to her and this summer she began letting him carrying her around (not always happy about it but she would let him). She slept in his room (which she always did for at least part of the night) and seemed to watch over him. The two of them became good buddies. Now she is gone. We're worried that he will just begin to feel like it isn't worth getting close to anyone or anything because they will just leave. But then, maybe all the talks about heaven and not having pain, etc. makes him feel safe with their leaving for this mysterious place. I know he talks about everyone being together and how Charlie must be so happy to have Taz with him again. I don't know - all we can do it watch, wait and see.

Grieving sucks and honestly, we've all had enough for right now. We need a break from bad news. We just need some time to be happy and feel safe. Is that really all that much to ask for?

Blah, part 2

Man I'm in a funk today. It's all I can do to keep moving forward....I feel like I'm walking through molasses or something. Maybe I'm coming down with something...maybe I'm just sad. I don't know.

Everything seems to reduce me to tears....tantrum from a 2 year old, reading the news story of the bridge collapse, reading about the mom who left her kids inthe car and they died in the heat, reading about home invasions, etc. I'm just..................sad and I feel so unsafe in the world.

I hate feeling sad. I hate feeling unsafe.

Blick.

Blah

Grief is a weird thing. It washes over me in the most unlikely times.

This afternoon I went to the mailbox to collect the mail and in among all the junk and a power bill was Kelton's Highlight magazine. It has been a yearly gift from my mom for three years (which is about 2 years before he was ready for it but my mom wanted him to have it). It expires in December.

As I handed it to Kelton I mentioned that he will only be getting 4 more issues of it because it was a gift from Grandma and now that Grandma is in heaven she won't be able to have it sent to him anymore. He looked at me sadly and said "Oh. Ok." and then hugged it to his chest.

I left the living room, rounded the hall corner and burst into tears.

All because the Highlights magazine arrived.

*sigh*