Waiting for my mom to die is torture. On the biggest hand, I don't want her to die (duh) but on the other hand, the kids and I have been here almost two weeks and the stress and strain is showing on all three of us. At this point, there is no telling how much longer we will be here.
She's getting worse. She started liquid morphine every 4 hours at 1cc Tuesday and by yesterday morning, she was up to 4cc's every hour. She probably should have started out at a higher dose Tuesday but whatever...she's been fighting taking pain meds but yesterday gave in willingly. I feel awful for her.
I'm so damn sad and frustrated and angry and heartbroken. Yesterday was a crap-ass day and I took out so much on the kids. Poor babies. Not that they were angels but the didn't really deserve me screaming at them either. I know they are stressed and I know they hear everything that is going on and yet....I just kept exploding. Today is better - though not by much. I did end up exploding all over Dakota via the phone though. *sigh*
I can't leave the kids with anyone for a break. I *could*, of course, but I can't do it to Kaylen. She can't stand if I'm out of her line of vision for more than a minute and given how stressed out the kids are, I just can't in good consciousness do that to her. Dakota arrives tomorrow afternoon so at least I can leave them with her while I go spend time with my mom. It's just getting so hard to have them there and get a nice visit in. I feel like I am riding them constantly to be quiet and good. This all sucks more than I can explain.
I'm tired. I'm overwhelmed. I want to go home. And I feel crappy for wanting that because of what it will take for me to be there. I don't want my mom to die.
20 comments:
Oh sweetie, I wish I could help you. I feel so bad for you and what you're going through. Being there with your mom is hard, but doing it as a mom with both kids there with you and having their own "away from home" stuff, it's heart breaking. Please please, if there is anything I can do for you, please let me know.
Until then, you and your family are in my heart and prayers.
Casey I was so nervous when you didn't post.... I am so sorry you are going through this honey. Just take it one step at a time. You, Dakota and the kids will all get through it together.
Tracey: I just need help. In any way, shape and form. I just need help and support. I need someone to take care of me for a minute. Or five. I'm just......overwhelmed and alone and even when D get's here I'm still alone in all this because she has her dad to think about. I'm just feeling lost and completely alone.
Patti: Thanks. From where I am sitting, it sure doesn't feel like I can make it through this. It's just too big. Too much. I'm exhausted and cranky and......the list is endless. Thanks for sending your thoughts though. I appreciate it.
I wish we were closer to be there for you.
I wish you had a means to take care of yourself. Even in the best of situations, it is hard to take care of yourself... let alone these situations.
Please do hang in there. Know that you are doing what you need to do. Know that you are a great mom and while it seems/feels like you are exploding all over the kids, you probably aren't as bad as you feel you are. Hugs and loves go a long way.
OH Casey, I am so sorry you are going through all of this. I can't imagine how emotionally draining it is for you. I wish I lived closer so that I could help out with the kids. Hang in there and let me know if there is anything I can do for you.
Casey,
You and your family and Dakota's family continue to be in our thoughts and prayers. I wish that we were closer. I am so very sorry that you are all in this incredibly difficult situation. Can the hospice people suggest a grief counselor that you and/or Dakota might speak with? A friend who is a therapist used to work with a hospice, it seems like it might be helpful to have someone to talk to whose feelings/needs you don't have to worry about. Sending you all lots of wishes for strengh and peace,
Jennifer
Hi there... I came across your blog though someone elses (who's I really am not sure anymore...)
I just wanted to let you know that I will be thinking good thoughts for your family!
I certinaly wish there was something I could do to help. You DO need someone to take care of you.
I hope Dakoda will be there long enough to offer some relief.
My hugs and prayers.
jojo
big hugs, casey. I'm sorry.
Casey-
(((hugs))), I been there and I know it's just awful. Keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers
I am so sorry you are having to go through this Casey. I have thought of you and your family often with everything you are going through. (((((Big Hugs)))))
Casey - my thoughts are with you and Dakota. I'm so sorry that you're dealing with so much, so fast. One day at a time, just one day at a time. Give each other a *hug* for me.
I'm sorry, Casey. There just isn't much else to say, but know you're on my mind, in my heart.
(((Holding you in my thoughts and heart)))
I wish I could do it in person. I'm here for you.
Casey,
I've been so out of it lately, I hadn't even been reading blogs - I had no idea you were dealing with this. I'm so sorry. I can only imagine how a family sorrow such as this can weigh you down emotionally, and it's so hard to put on a happy face for children when all you want is time to be sad. I'll be thinking of you always.
***HUGS***
Casey - if it makes you feel any better, I too was having an awful day (not as bad as your's I am sure) and I was yelling at Katie and told her I felt like smacking her. I didn't and wouldn't, but when we are under such stress, well, we just aren't at our best. Cut yourself some slack.
Oh, Casey, I'm so sorry you have to go through this and I wish there were some way to help... We're thinking of you.
Take care of yourself. Even if it's something as simple as a bath after the kids go to bed, or having a glass of wine. And chocolate is the miracle cure for sorrow. Or all three. xoxo
Oh honey, I'm so sorry. I wish there was something I could do for you to make things a little easier for you.
Post a Comment